There’s a little voice, very quiet and way in the back of my head, that’s telling me I’m not as good as other moms with two children because I’m not doing it on my own.
My husband is a stay-at-home dad and, for a whole variety of reasons, he’s going to continue to be at home while I’m on maternity leave with this new baby for the next year. I know, I’m lucky. Not only will I have help, but we’ll be able to spend time together as a family and I wouldn’t trade that for all the income in the world. (Though I may change my tune if we end up broke.)
My three boys
One of the big reasons he’s staying at home is that, given my struggle with postpartum depression after our last child, it seems like a better idea to have two of us on deck. Which is another way of saying I’m not sure I can do it on my own.
I mean, I probably can. It’s just probably easier (better? safer?) if I don’t. But I could. Or could I?
I may not ever find out. At is stands my husband will be here so we can tag-team parenting responsibilities for a four-year-old and a newborn, and I won’t have to take that huge leap to mom-of-two on my own for eight hours a day.
Which is not to say that we won’t have challenges. It will be a transition all the same, and I’m sure there are times we’ll both be glad the other person is around. And I’m certainly not asking for more hard stuff, because I had quite enough of that the last time, thank you very much.
If this is a blissful or fulfilling or, heck, even just an easier experience, I will relish it and be grateful for it, and try very hard not to wonder if I’m somehow less of a mom than those who don’t have a partner at home full time.
Do you ever feel less-than because of your family dynamic?
xo
Robin
I think all of us question are enough-ness, because of or in spite of our family dynamic. You shouldn’t, though! I think you’re lucky to have the opportunity to figure out your four-ness together for a year. I also think it sets up for really equal parenting for their entire lives because you have that dynamic in place. It doesn’t lessen your impact as a mother, but it might have the opportunity to strengthen his impact as a father, if that makes sense.
I know there are moments, particularly when we’re stressed, that our dynamic (me at home, Ryan at work) works against us.
angela recently posted..The Length of a Year
[...] other news, I’ve got a post up at Just.Be.Enough today. It’s about feeling like I’m not as much of a mom as those who take care of two [...]
I know I question my enough-ness. Melissa is a good mother, but I have always wanted to be the one home with the kids. Sometimes I feel like a weekend dad and it doesn’t feel enough
Corey Feldman recently posted..Trade Paperback of Egret the Elephant is out!
Oh gosh yes! My husband and I are separated, the children are living with him at the moment for a host of reasons. It looks like we will settle on an arrangement where I work full time Monday to Friday and he works weekend shifts and I will have the children all weekend while he has them all week.
It works for us, so I should be able to leave it at that. Instead, I constantly worry if it makes me a less-than proper mother. It’s not ideal. But it does work for us at the moment and the children are happy…
Liz Crudgington (@freelanceliz) recently posted..Onwards and upwards
Yes, I do feel this! My husband works from home half the time, and although he’s not involved in the daily intricacies of looking after two children, I know I can call on him to keep an eye or hang with the kids for a little while so I can do stuff like, well, go to the bathroom, cook dinner etc. And my in laws are 5 minutes away.
So when I read about/ know of moms who do it on their own with two or more kids, I always wonder, I don’t know how you do it without collapsing in a heap at the end of the day, and how you can keep doing it day in day out. Because I know I certainly wouldn’t be able to without the family dynamic that we have.
Don’t question your enough-mom-ness just because you have help. This mothering thing is not supposed to be a one-woman show. It takes a village. Or two of you.
Alison recently posted..Intrinsic Goodness
Not less, just different. Stereotypes suck.
idiosyncratic eye recently posted..Bouncing Back
I have different family dynamic too, in that my husband doesn’t work full time due to health reasons. Our kids are out of the house more than we are. We are a family who has plenty of time all together. Sometimes I do feel really different, but I don’t care much. One thing that’s becoming increasingly obvious is that it’s pretty hard to define “normal” nowadays. I think it’s fantastic that you’re both going to be home! And congratulations!
just JENNIFER recently posted..A Latte Bloggy Love
I think that every time I have to call or think about calling my husband to see if he can come home early. It hasn’t happened in a long time, but when it does, I hem and haw over it, thinking of all the moms who have to power through. But I also realize that I’m lucky that he has a job in which he can help me out when I need it most.
Sounds like you are too. Wishing you the best.
Leigh Ann recently posted..One Tough Mudder, aka Nice Knowing You All
I, like you, am fortunate to have my husband home with me while I’m on maternity leave. Although he works from home, his hours & time are flexible, which gives me some freedom & a break when it’s needed. That said, on those nights when he has to work, or has a deadline looming so his office door is closed for long hours during the day, I can really struggle. A 9 week old who doesn’t want to be put down (ever!) & limits sleeping during the day to quick cat naps, but “only when I’m being held in exactly the right position!” along with the demands of a 3 year old who is adjusting to no longer being number 1. It’s a juggle/a struggle/pretty darn hard some days just to get out of my pjs! But at the same time, it’s worth it because the beautiful joy of being mom to my boys just can’t be beat!
Yes, I question, compare, wonder and then compare some more. Thank you for being explicit about what your little voice tells you. I support you in enjoying your husband’s help and continuing to let go of comparison or less-than thinking. Well done, mama!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..A Map of My Day
I question my enough-ness all the time. I wonder if I’m woman enough to raise two men without the guidance of their father. I have enlisted all kinds of help in the process — my dad, karate instructors, my brother-in-law, my male friends.
Still, just doesn’t seem like I’ll ever feel like it’s enough.
Congrats on baby Ethan. What a gorgeous family you have
Kimberly recently posted..Trifextra: The vigil