Our bodies.
As women they are so entwined with our self esteem and feelings of worth that many times it’s simply impossible to separate the two. Now imagine that your feelings of being “womanly” are the ones you can only see with your eyes. For instance when you gaze into the mirror you see yourself, your breasts, your lovely, curving hips and they all tell you that you are a woman, that your body is a vessel and that you are built to make and carry life.
Now imagine that that body—the one you have dressed and cared for all your life, the one you can see is capable of its role—betrayed you.
It happened to me the day I was diagnosed with infertility and it was devastating to my image of myself as a woman.
I could see all the characteristics that told the world I was female but the one thing that would give credence to it was always out of my reach. Month after month and year after year it eluded me.
I had always thought of my body as powerful. From the time that my breaths arrived, going from a B to a C cup within moments it seemed, to the wide swing of my hips as I wandered through puberty, I found that the way I looked held clout and purpose. Like a superhero, I could use my looks for good or evil but the choice was always mine.
My body, my choices.
But when I was faced with the fact that I could not control my cycles or demand my ovaries and uterus work, I was spun into a vortex of self loathing and disappointment. I remember the first time I looked at my body after the tests came back, the “unexplained infertility” diagnosis banging around in my head, and I hated what I saw. Even the parts that I couldn’t see had become enemies and they had robbed me of a happy, fulfilled sex life, a feeling of self worth and a love for the gift that my own body truly was.
Instead of wanting to saunter down the stairs in a pair of size 6 jeans or rock a two-piece bikini, I wanted more than anything for my body to change and swell. I wanted to turn sideways in the mirror and see my tummy expand with the promise and hope of a family.
I wanted my body to fulfill its promises to me.
It’s been five years since my body, with the help of advanced medical procedures and a good dose of miracles, finally complied, allowing me to carry and cradle my sons in my own womb. It’s been five years since I’ve truly hated my reflection in the mirror and cursed the attributes that told the world I was a woman.
The forgiveness has been slow but steady and while I am not a size 6 or a rocking a two-piece bikini yet I am holding the children I dreamt of in my arms now, and I try to thank my beautiful body every day for that.
xo
Kir
Though I didn’t struggle with this personally, I watched several of my friends deal with infertility (both primary and secondary), and I always thought that would be one of the most difficult parts–your body not doing what you’d always assumed it could naturally do if you decided on motherhood.
Even trying to birth babies and not being able to without a c-section messed with my head a bit, so I can’t imagine this and just want to hug you for having to deal with it xoxo
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thank you for reading this and for always giving me the love and support, even if it’s not something you know firsthand.
you know by the time I had the boys, the Csection, the non breastfeeding were NON issues to me, because I had become a mom and that to me was enough, but it’s always interesting to me what makes us as moms feel NOT enough. Thank you for starting that discussion in my own head today.
xoxoox
Kir recently posted..Just Write: Touching your Toes
thank you for coming to talk about the way you viewed your body a a result of infertility, Ive never read anyone’s take on that before and it was an educational read. Im thankful for my body every day too, but fight to overcome my own issues daily just like a lot of other women. Grateful for you starting this conversation!
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Very powerful, Kir. Thank you so much for sharing these beautiful words. And C? That’s it? I thought we were both rockin’ the D cup, baby!
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oh no, I’m a D now LOL..but back then I was a C…(I miss those boobies)
thank you for this, I’ve been thinking so much about this and am glad I got to write about it and it “Spoke” to people today. thank you for letting me know that. xoxo
Kir recently posted..Just Write: Touching your Toes
Kir, this is just stunning. Thank you for such a moving, eloquent post. I loved this line: “Now imagine that that body—the one you have dressed and cared for all your life, the one you can see is capable of its role—betrayed you.”
It’s so true how infertility feels like a body-betrayal, a betrayal of the promise you thought you’d made to yourself buy biology had other plans. For as emotionally well-adjusted as I’ve been, there are still days where this leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. Thank you for such a wonderful post.
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I love that you write about your struggle and connect with other women who have been through or are expieriencing this
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Thanks for this, Kirsten. I’ve been struggling with a few pieces that I want to write, and I think you’ve given me a new spark. It’s complicated, isn’t it? Hard enough to be female in this culture, and then to be infertile … we need to make peace with our bodies, but it is SO hard. I wonder, how can we help other women do this before they feel betrayed, too?
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I think a woman’s relationship with her body is complicated anyway, even when infertility is not involved. Finding forgiveness and loving my body after such betrayals has been a long road. But, like yours, one with a happy ending.
Lovely post, Kir. Makes me think.
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It’s true, a woman’s relationship with her body is so, so complicated, especially in this day and age when she’s getting different messages everywhere she looks. Still, one of the only common messages is that a woman’s body is made for procreation and that women should be allowed to chose when and how it fulfills that purpose (at least that seemed to be the message until recently). So when a woman can’t do that it brings up so many questions about self-identity, which are hard to grapple with when a woman is already struggling with so much. Thanks for writing this. It’s an ever-important issue.
Great post. You put into words so beautifully how infertility messes with body image.
Thank you
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When I initially commented I clicked the “Notify me when new comments are added” checkbox and now each time a comment is added I get four emails with
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Appreciate it!
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