It is Monday which means that it is time to kick things off with our Be Enough Me link up!
In case you are new, or have forgotten… We are fighting cancer with the help of two incredible partners: Bellflower Books and Crickett’s Answer for Cancer. For every 20 link ups received this month, Bellflower Books will donate a $75 certificate toward a 20-page memory book to a family identified by Crickett’s Answer who are fighting the good fight against breast cancer. Our goal is to be able to provide ten women the opportunity to receive a special book created by family and friends that will be treasured not only by the brave women fighting, but by their families as well.
This week, my Be Enough Me story has everything to do with being vulnerable.
I have always known that I have an issue. I have always known that I have a problem. This week, my issue, my problem, showed its ugly face and I was a terror. I was brutal to my daughter. I was brutal to my mom. I was brutal to my husband. And most of all, I was brutal to myself.
I cannot ask for help.
I should be more specific… I am plenty good at asking for help when it comes to doing the dishes or making dinner or going to the grocery store. But when it comes to something that directly impacts me? When it is something that signifies being vulnerable or not having full control of myself? I cannot do it. I have even been given homework by prior therapists to practice asking…in small baby steps. Sometimes I start to ask, I get close to muttering the words that I know I need use. It is as if the words “can you please help me?” cause my knees to buckle.
And allowing others to take care of me? I struggled when I was going through my fight with Hogdkins. I struggled when I was trying to find my way as a newly separated single mom.
Asking for help and accepting help can bring me to tears. And this week, it did. Bucket loads of tears. Hurricane-strength tears.
You would think that making it through chemotherapy, a bone marrow transplant, divorce, and almost seven years as a mom would have taught me a thing or two. But no. This week, after my MINOR elbow surgery, I fell into a hole. A deep and vicious hole that left me angry, stir crazy, and helpless.
I KNOW in my head that not being able to put my own bra on is temporary. I KNOW that needing help to take a shower is temporary. I KNOW that not being able to work out is temporary. But still, I could feel the anxiety surfacing, flooding my body and eventually erupting in tears, being mean to those who just wanted to help, leaving me shriveled up in the shower, sobbing.
The irony is that Hurricane Irene spent the weekend barreling down on the east coast. And there are countless people fighting for their lives against diseases like cancer. Much bigger fights. Real fights against REAL forces of nature. Fights against things over which they have NO control. And yet here I am, feeling out of control, refusing to ask for or accept help, and feeling like I should hide in the corner.
So I take a deep breath.
I remember the words of Brené Brown when she said, “When we cut ourselves off from vulnerability, we cut ourselves off from love. From joy.”
I think about how I have encouraged students over the years to be their OWN advocates and ask when they need help. I think about how I want my daughter to be independent but still know she can turn to me for anything. I think about the fact that I am married to a man that wants desperately to help me, to feel like we are in this thing called life together.
And I know what I have to do.
I will ask for help. I will ask my husband to help me wash my hair as I get ready for my first day back at work. I will be patient and thankful when he helps me wrap my arm in a new dressing. I will ask him for help with fastening the straps of my bra. I will say thank you instead of wanting to run away and cry. I will allow myself to feel vulnerable and loved.
And I will be Enough.
Every MONDAY join us…
Write, Post, Link-Up, share your story and your voice.
Be part of carrying the weight of confidence, empowerment and share our mission to empower, inspire,
and remind women, parents and children
that the time has come to celebrate ourselves!
How have you have lived the Be Enough Me feeling this week?