photo courtesy of flickr, via katybates creative commons
My mother converted to Catholicism after marrying my father, but her good-girl label had nothing to do with the church she attended.
Her pragmatism and relatively chaste beliefs collided as we ventured into talks about sex and marriage and virginity.
She never hesitated to share the physical aspects of what sex entailed, but the emotional parts of the conversation were more abstract.
“You shouldn’t have sex until you’re married.”
“You should definitely be in love with the person you lose your virginity to.”
“But no matter what, please, please practice safe sex if you decide to have sex before you’re married.”
Young and unsure of my emotions, I was a bit frightened by something so monumental. I outwardly scoffed at her advice but carried her words tucked into my purse next to sneaked cigarettes, silver tubes of Clinique lipstick, and vague notions about going to college in New York City.
I listened to her words and made my choices as carefully as possible, and I believe I lived up to the most important parts of her advice.
And with a daughter of my own, I am beginning to see that dichotomy between protection and knowledge, between idealism and practicality. One day we will have a conversation about The First Time, and I will be bolstered by the advice my own mother gave me and the ways I wove her words into what I believed was right.
But things grow murkier after The First Time, after The First Person.
I was so concerned with and worried about and overprepared for the question of losing my virginity that I didn’t consider what would happen next.
Wrapping marriage and sex together in a box and tightly sliding a ribbon around it is both convenient and complicated, because the questions about what to do when that ideal isn’t realized become something to be hidden and whispered about with friends.
My mother’s words kept me from making some rash decisions, but when the ribbon was slid off that shiny package, her words stopped. Her silence about sexuality after virginity led me to internalize the idea that The First Time was the only time that mattered.
And some of the decisions I made later weren’t very wise or very pragmatic or very empowering, no matter what I told myself at the time.
I kept that First Time on a pedastal but didn’t understand until much, much later that the precious parts of my sexuality weren’t solely tied to virginity.
I believed once that newness was gone, the decisions I made about my body–the who, the when, the how–were purely physical. I didn’t understand until much, much later that I was wrong.
A woman’s sexuality is a powerful thing, and I want my daughter to know that even when it isn’t shiny and new, it should still be treated with care.
xo
Angela
Have you heard? Next Monday, April 23rd, Be Enough Me is taking on the topic of labels with a special prompt inspired by Ashely Judd, called Change the Conversation.
It is time to look past the obvious for ourselves and our families.
We’re inviting posts from voices everywhere to share your labels and who you are beyond that. The focus is whatever you need it to be– from our lives as moms, dads, parents, spouses, professionals, survivors, athletes and more. We invite you to join us, to celebrate our strengths, to celebrate our diversity, to celebrate our voices and change the conversation.
Come back next Monday for the very special link-up. We cannot wait to take the conversation by storm with our voices.
Excellent post, Angela. And a concern/issue/worry that all mothers of girls have. Thanks for starting the conversation here and making me think about the importance of talking about more than the first time.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Spring Party Season – The Good, The Bad, The Ugly
Thanks Missy. I think there’s a lot to be said for starting an open dialogue, though I don’t know at what age that really starts. I want my kids (my son, too!) to understand that they need to be reponsible in all of their relationship decisions, in both physical and emotional senses.
angela recently posted..What I Learned in Astonomy Class
Great post!
I often wonder as a mother how I will treat sexuality with my children. I know that I do NOT want it to be associated with any kind of shame, as it often is in our society, but I also want it to be something that IS meaningful, something to be respected, and something that you do to connect with someone that you love. First Time and beyond…
I know it is more complicated than that, but I hope when the time comes I am able to figure out how to be open with my children, but also explain healthy boundaries.
Thanks for the post!
Love In My Own Skin recently posted..Accepting Vulnerability
I hope I can do it, too. I know what I would like the result to be, now I just have to figure out how to get there
angela recently posted..What I Learned in Astonomy Class
oh Ang. Wow. This is a piece that I will never forget, you writing this touched something in me so visceral that I found myself taking a deep breath when I got to the end.
Everything you said, I felt it in my skin. I know that you and I have very similar backgrounds and this just made me want to hug you…and say “I know!…me too!”
as the mom of boys I find myself thinking of sex a lot about them and for them, I use the appropriate words and I don’t shy away from talking to them in a language that will not bite me later on. I know that my discussion would be different if they were girls, but the message would be the same. “Your body is special, you are special and who you share it with should be deserving of it”. I want them to know that the first time and all the ones after it are part of their journey.
I really loved this piece and hope you know how special, worthy and beautiful you were then…and NOW. xoxo
Kir recently posted..Just Be Enough: At the Back of the Boasting Bus
I know you get it
I want them to understand that each of the decisions they make about sex, not just the first ones,. will be a part of their future selves. I don’t want them to think I am stifling them or telling them not to go down certain roads; I just want them to understand there is an emotional component to each of the decisions. I tried to separate the two for a long time, and I thought I was being contemporary and enlightened about things when I was actually just hiding emotionally.
angela recently posted..What I Learned in Astonomy Class
I love this post. One of my favourites ever. This is something we don’t talk about enough – sexuality, for one thing, but the ongoing aspect of it. I love that you’ve addressed it, and so eloquently.
Robin Farr recently posted..Helping yourself feel better
Thanks Robin. It’s something I struggled with for a long time, and I hope my “mistakes” can help me develop a conversation with my own kids that will help them avoid some of the missteps I made. As kids dive into physical relationships at a younger age, I think we need to address both physical and emotional responsibility in those situations.
angela recently posted..What I Learned in Astonomy Class