A few weeks ago an old article made the rounds again. It’s called Caring for Your Introvert and it begins with this paragraph:
Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?
The title of the post made my inner introvert immediately click through to see how I was supposed to be cared for, but it was that paragraph that really hooked me.
I need alone time like no one else I know.
I love quiet conversations, am pretty comfortable presenting to large groups, but am not so keen on small-talk situations. They don’t make me want to crawl into a hole, but it’s not how I’d choose to spend my time, either.
I like to think parties or social occasions will be good for me, and sometimes they are. But sometimes I want to leave three minutes after I walk in the door.
And I will admit that pleasantries, especially at work, make me wish my iPhone had fewer rounded corners and more sharp edges so I could use it to stab myself in the eye.
But it’s having quiet time to myself that really puts me near the far end of the introvert scale.
Image credit: Moyan_Brenn on Flickr
As the article says, introverts are not shy. We’re generally not anxious or unsettled in social situations. We just find other people tiring.
I’m finding this particularly true lately. I’m in a new job in a more open-space office, and it’s overwhelming. The team that sits behind us is, um, rowdy, and it makes me want to shut myself in the bathroom. (Sometimes I do.) By the time I get home at the end of the day I don’t want anyone to talk to me, which doesn’t work at all well with a preschooler who wants me to play as soon as I walk in the door.
And then there’s my husband. He spends most of his day with a very small, though very verbal, person, and I don’t blame him for wanting to tell me about their day. And I want to hear about it. I really do. But sometimes I hear it better after I’ve locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes when I get home.
Caring for Your Introvert is actually less about caring for introverts and more about who we are. I don’t identify with all of it. I don’t think I’m quite as extreme as the author portrays himself to be.
But most of the time I really would appreciate it if people would just shush.
xo
Robin
I can absolutely relate to this, because my personality type is an INFJ. There’s an awesome article about what it feels like to be an INFJ over here: http://www.elizabethpottsweinstein.com/infj/ But in a nutshell, I’m an introvert that can appear like I’m an extrovert, and I need tons of alone time. When I don’t get it, I feel awful – run down, stressed, unable to think or communicate.
I try telling people that I need a lot of quiet, alone time. Even knowing that, not everyone understands or respects, even family and long-time friends. I hope your husband understands how precious that first few minutes home can be!
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I really identify with you asking for shush at work. Office small talk is the worst. I think people have often found me unfriendly and stand-offish. But really, it’s just that I go to work -to do my work-. I have plenty of friends. I don’t need more (especially when most of their small talk is complaining. If you don’t like your job, do something about it! Don’t just whinge all day whilst doing nothing to change your situation!).
Phew, thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
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This is interesting to me. My husband is shy but also an introvert, and those things aren’t always expressed in the same way, though so many people think they are. Understanding his need for a few quiet moments or how the chaos of our kids can get to him more than it does me is an important part of keeping things happy in our house
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I am an introvert and SHY.
How’s that for a fun time?
xo
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Yep, you hit the nail on the head. Sometimes I feel so judged by others who don’t get it. Great post!
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I also read the article you mention, and as a fellow introvert, I know, I know, I know. I spent 8 years in a career that required me to present to small and large audiences up to 6 hours of the day. Watching me, no one labelled me as an introvert. But they never saw me go home and “hide” from people for the rest of the day just to refuel for the next. I loved what I did, but I had to very carefully take care of myself to keep going.
Yes, yes, yes! I’m such an introvert. I was out of the house from 8:30 to 1 today with people and am now sitting here EXHAUSTED by it all. I need my alone time to recharge – pretty much daily. And when I don’t get it, I collapse into bed. But I’m not shy either. That’s what’s funny about the introvert/extrovert thing – it’s not shy/popular. It’s where you get your energy! Lovely post – hit home.
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I know if you read my Facebook, twitter or blog, I don’t seem like an introvert, but I am. But for me some of it is anxiety.
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I so get this!!!
I used to be an extrovert. I used to love crowds and parties and loud groups.
But now I’m happy alone.
I like my own space and my phone. Blogs and books to read. A pen and paper. My own creativity.
Other people are annoying sometimes.
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That’s me! But I would add shyness to it too, or maybe it’s just a crushing dose of lack of sel-confidence. Thanks for sharing, I look forward to reading through the article. Recognising who you are and what works for you gives you so much more strength and courage as well as helping you capitalise on your strengths.
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I’ve always been an introvert, and still battle shyness in certain situations. My husband is not exactly an extrovert either, and you can guess how our kids are. It’s not all bad though. I think introverts tend to be deep thinkers, the ones who dream and come up with ideas. We’re trying to teach our kids at young ages how to handle the social situations, and we make sure to schedule plenty of down time for them.
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[...] that had already brought lots of new people into my day-to-day. Maybe it’s because at heart I’m an introvert and it’s not in my nature to seek out people to surround myself with. Or maybe I was missing [...]