A few months ago, on the spur of the moment, I bought tickets to a small concert for my husband and I to attend one cold Saturday night. He had no idea who the band was and I had only heard a few songs. But the tickets were cheap and the vibe seemed reminiscent of our early days together when we were young and childless and time seemed unlimited. We went to see bar bands frequently and each trip was better than the last. In a split second, I tried to buy our way into the past, at least for one Saturday night.
It worked. We had an incredible time and the night was exactly how I envisioned it would be. We laughed. We danced. We acted like we were the only two people in the room in on our own joke for four hours. It was such good, relaxing fun, that, even now, when I’m stressed or burnt out, I can still call up the memory for a bit of levity.
Here is the problem: If someone had asked me then what I was looking for to relax or have fun, I couldn’t have said. It seems the older I get and the more my life is filled, the less idea I have for keeping my heart and soul filled.
Don’t get me wrong. I am a lucky woman. I have a wonderful mate. We have beautiful, healthy children who don’t cause us any more trouble than their birthrights allow and on paper my life is grand. I am fully aware of my blessings and grateful every day. If someone asked if I was happy, I would say yes without hesitation.
And yet, there is something very present in my everyday that tells me I am not complete. I have an ache for something and while I can identify the need I have no idea what it is.
“What do you want?” is a common refrain from the lips of my supportive husband (who I recognize is more supportive than he should be anymore). He doesn’t ask it in reference to dinner or drinks. Instead, it comes up when we are talking about the life I should be starting to have outside my children.
You see, they are older now and have begun to forge lives of their own. When school is in session, they are away from my care for more hours than they are under it. It is time for me to figure out what is next. I have taken steps. I’ve even started jobs. But it seems for each step forward I take two back, or at least sideways because I am scared I’m on the wrong trail.
The problem is simple; I have no idea what I want.
I’m clear on what I don’t want – to go back into a classroom, under frustratingly stifled standards, and teach. I am sure of that. But I do miss the act of teaching – introducing knowledge, creating breakthroughs, witnessing growth, nurturing souls. I think I do want that again.
I know I don’t want a corporate existence where I work, work, work at someone else’s whim for someone else’s ultimate success. I have watched people I love do that and it nearly kills them. But I do love business and the mind that I must use to be in business. I love the thrill of victory after a sale even if I still hate the initial sleaze that the beginning of a sale feels like.
Maybe it doesn’t matter what I want. Maybe I should just find a job that pays some bills and leave it at that. Work to live instead of work for life. Perhaps not everyone is meant to be fulfilled professionally. Maybe I don’t even want to be. Although, I’m pretty sure that isn’t true.
I realize these aren’t really problems that I have. No, our current layoff situation and impending financial state are far worse. But when you think you’re on the precipice of something new and different, you begin to question everything in your path and every possible path presented.
That’s where I am. I’m standing at not just a crossroads, but seemingly the on ramp of a multiple lane superhighway, and I’m not sure which direction I want this car to go. The result is I’m stalled and I’m anxious to move. I just wish I could figure out which lane I want. Then maybe it would be a smoother ride.
xo
Cristie
I still have a few years before all of mine are in school, but I am uncertain of what I will do at that time and I can totally understand where you are. I think it has to be ok to try a few different things and if you head down the wrong way, get off the highway and try again. In some ways I am glad I have a few years because maybe by the time the kids are all in school, I will know what I want to do when I grow up.
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I hope you know too! I thought I would. Heck, I thought I did know, but I was wrong.;) I guess I’ve just spent so many years focusing on kids that it’s uncomfortable focusing on myself now-which is why I’m impatient with this decision. I’m wishing you smoother decisions.
My kids are still little, and I already know what you mean (to the point of also having been a teacher and knowing I won’t see a classroom again). Good luck picking a lane. One thing to remember is that the highways go both ways; if the first direction doesn’t work, you can always reevaluate.
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I feel like I’ve done a lot of getting on and off the ramps. I’m just hoping my next choice is the right direction!
I don’t have any advice, I just wanted to tell you that I can relate. But I DO think everyone is meant to be fulfilled professionally. Some people just try harder than others to achieve that, and some people find it in volunteering and things they do outside their 9-5. As for me, it’s come about through a process of elimination, and a blend of freelance writing, teaching online classes, and blogging. It’s not easy, but it’s fulfilling. Good luck finding your niche!
In my HR experience a lot more people work to live than live to work. There is nothing wrong with trying to follow your passion but the problem is most people who do, don’t have an easy time paying the bills. There are exceptions, but more than not people work it live. But that doesn’t mean you can’t fulfill your passions too. After a somewhat deary work week I had a blast knocking out a novelette this weekend.
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Wow-just the thought of “knocking out a novelette” is scary to me! You’re right though, there is plenty of time to work and pursue passions. I guess I was just hoping to do both at once.
My last one is in preschool this year and I cherish those hours with no demands. I use them to write, picked up a satisfying part time job that gets me out of the house and joined a lifegroup. It lets me be me, and still be mom. I hope you find your “thing”
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Thanks. You sound like you have it all figured out! Thanks for the inspiration.
I can relate to this so closely. My kids are older, moving out and moving on, and I haven’t worked outside the home since being laid off 3 years ago. I’m feeling lost and disjointed. I need to figure out what I want too.
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It’s daunting, but also can be sort of exciting too. I just keep telling myself that anyway. Good luck!
I’ve been wrestling with the “what do I want” question for quite some time too. My youngest will enter high school next year, my eldest will graduate. I have wrapped up so much of my life in their lives that I am already feeling a bit adrift in my future.
I need to do some deep soul searching to figure it out.
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