The introductions of more of our amazing contributing writers continue. Today is Stephanie’s turn.
All my life I have been stuck between too much and not good enough.
In school I was too loud, too funny, too crazy, just plain too much. In life I wasn’t enough. Not thin enough, not smart enough, not enough.
I struggled through an eating disorder and postpartum anxiety and have come out the other side thinking you know what?
I am enough. I might talk too loud, you might think I am an extrovert wanting to manipulate the conversation but I can tell you I am nervous as all hell you won’t talk to me at all! I want everyone to have the spotlight, there is enough for everyone. I might crack jokes, I am indeed funny. I might be 110 pounds or I might be 150, but it’s fine either way. I am more than my weight, my self-worth is not a number anymore. I am enough. I am fashion conscious, but sometimes, yoga pants and a tank top are enough. I am insecure about my looks and especially about getting older. Age is no longer creeping up – it is suddenly launching a speed-of-light-attack and that’s okay too. I am enough, complete with smile lines and sun spots…they just tell the story of my train wreck youth and my triumph of survival.
I may have given up my dream job for the betterment of my family. It might not have gone the way we wanted. But I am home with my two beautiful children. Sometimes I play all day, dancing in rain puddles with my three year old, singing and cuddling my boys. Sometimes I spend too much time working on the computer. My boy snuggled up next to me on his play computer to “do a wittle bit of work”, me sipping my coffee and he sipping his juice, the baby sleeping in his swing. I fight to push aside the guilt of these days and just be enough. It is enough on those days to take breaks and play for 20 minutes before getting back to work.
I’ve no more time to beat myself up for being either too much or not enough. It’s not easy to just be. It’s a struggle for me every day. But it’s time to just be me. And me is enough.