This is me with Connor just moments after he was born. What you probably can’t tell from this photo is that I had a c-section, and I was really, really unhappy about it.
My c-section was scheduled because he was quite stubbornly breech, so I never had a single taste of labor. Silly thing to complain about, I know, but I felt like I had missed a rite of passage that was a key part of becoming a mother.
Last week my sister-in-law gave birth to twins – one head down, one breech. And she did not have a c-section.
For a brief moment I let that overwhelm me. How could she have given birth naturally to twins when I couldn’t with my one?!
It’s not logical — I had no control over or choice in the matter — and yet women feel this way every day. I’ve spent four years trying to get over it, yet a few tears still sneak out when confronted with it again like I was last week.
There’s nothing better or worse about any particular birth experience. It’s just personal preference and what we hope for ourselves.
So I’m not going to say I’m enough of a mom even if I had a c-section. Would that be the logical conclusion? Yes, but that’s not how I feel.
Instead I will give myself permission to feel this way. It is what it is, but I grieve it all the same.
xo
Robin
I’m so sorry you’re struggling with this. My c-section experiences were different, but I still have pangs of regret at unexpected moments. What if I didn’t try hard enough? What could I have done differently? Etc. Though I know the important thing is that my surgeries resulted in my babies, it’s hard not to compare the birth experiences we had with those we WANTED to have. xo
angela recently posted..Climbing Out of Reactive Parenting
I can relate so much to this. My son was born from an emergency c-section at 35 weeks. So yes, I sometimes feels like I missed out on what it feels like to have the contractions…etc. Sounds bad but just a couple of days ago, I jokingly told my best friend that the closest I’ve ever get to natural child birth would be while doing my leg press work out. All that pushing and grunting and pain…lol. Great post, btw. Thank you for sharing this!
Robin, as an adoptive mom, I too can relate to what you’re saying here. As much as I know in my heart that my son is “mine,” that we chose each other and chose to come together in the way we did, there are moments when I would give anything to have had the experience of being pregnant and giving birth to him. Like any grief process, I’ve learned to accept that I may never truly “get over” it. In those unexpected moments of sadness (they do tend to sneak up, don’t they??) I do my best to allow the feelings, and recognize them for what they are: a sign of the depth of my love for him.
Thanks for a great post!
Alizabeth Rasmussen recently posted..What’s in a Name?
It’s when the decisions are taken away from us that we feel that loss, the loss of control, of choice, of responsibility, of knowing our own mind.
idiosyncraticeye recently posted..Addiction
Hi Robin… I can totally relate to your post. I was also very upset about having a c-section. Neither my Mom nor sister had any trouble delivering a total of seven babies and I always thought God gave me these hips for a reason!! Yet, it wasn’t meant to be. My section was unplanned — T was stuck — and it was almost unbelievable to me (even though we all heard the stats at the prenatal classes). The disappointment has faded somewhat, likely due to the fact that it was easier with M (VBAC with forceps). Sometimes I think I would get it just right the 3rd time!! But that’s not meant to be either
I so enjoy your posts and thank you for sharing your heart. Your writing is beautiful. Take care…. L.
Thanks for sharing. I completely understand. I was set on having a natural childbirth, but my 1st was in distress and they were concerned for his safety and I had an emergency C. Then, when I was pregnant with baby #2, I ran into insurance/doctor issues and found there was no hospital, with my insurance, that would do a VBAC. It breaks my heart that I missed out on the experience of a natural birth with both of my boys. I have to remind myself that it does not make me less of a mother.
Yep – I can relate too! My mom gave birth to 7 children in 8 years, including a set of twins, while I had 3 c-sections. The worst part was the clinical term – Failure to Progress. Failure?!? WHA?! No wonder I felt so ashamed. What if I gave birth in a different time period? Would I or my child have died? So yes, I grieved. The same way I grieved when I didn’t have enough milk for my hungry newborn. Because birth is a miracle and I wanted to succeed. Eventually, though, enough was enough. Someday, not today, it will be enough for you too. Don’t worry – there’s no hurry – take your time – only you will know when enough is enough – but in the meantime, know there is an entire population of women cheering you on.
Oh my goodness, yes I can relate to this so very much. My son will be three in September and I still have not found the words or emotional courage to write down my birth story. After a very difficult pregnancy, 12 hours of labor with no progression, and a lot of emotional and physical trauma, I had a c-section. I was devastated. It took me 6 months to recover physically and I am still recovering emotionally. I hope one day I will share my entire story, but until then, please know you are not alone in this feeling. It is traumatizing to have your birth experience taken away from you.
Julia recently posted..The Lullaby
I think it’s so hard to get over when something goes differently in your birth plan than you think it should. Because there comes a point where there’s no time to think about it – whatever the change is, it has to happen quickly and you’re left to later think about it. And sometimes regret.
I’m sorry you feel this way, Robin.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Clean Up Your Act – Christmas Tortellini