This is me with Connor just moments after he was born. What you probably can’t tell from this photo is that I had a c-section, and I was really, really unhappy about it.
My c-section was scheduled because he was quite stubbornly breech, so I never had a single taste of labor. Silly thing to complain about, I know, but I felt like I had missed a rite of passage that was a key part of becoming a mother.
Last week my sister-in-law gave birth to twins – one head down, one breech. And she did not have a c-section.
For a brief moment I let that overwhelm me. How could she have given birth naturally to twins when I couldn’t with my one?!
It’s not logical — I had no control over or choice in the matter — and yet women feel this way every day. I’ve spent four years trying to get over it, yet a few tears still sneak out when confronted with it again like I was last week.
There’s nothing better or worse about any particular birth experience. It’s just personal preference and what we hope for ourselves.
So I’m not going to say I’m enough of a mom even if I had a c-section. Would that be the logical conclusion? Yes, but that’s not how I feel.
Instead I will give myself permission to feel this way. It is what it is, but I grieve it all the same.