We’re continuing with intro week here on Just.Be.Enough. Yesterday, Elena shared her story about what Just.Be.Enough. means to her.
Today is Robin’s turn.
Perfect is a very hard thing to strive for.
I actually didn’t know I was a perfectionist until I became a mom, but it’s been in me all along. I think it’s an innate thing rather than something that was cultivated in me. I went to private school all my life, but my parents never pushed me to attain the unattainable or to be the best at anything. I never got, “Where’s the other 3%?!” My mom encouraged me to do what I wanted to do and to be who I wanted to be. Every day when he dropped me off at school my dad said, “Have fun. Learn lots!” No, the pursuit of perfection didn’t come from them.
I wonder where it came from?
I still don’t know. I only noticed it was there when it became the standard by which my experience as a new mom was measured. I thought having a baby would be manageable, if not easy. I assumed everyone who told me my motherly instincts would kick in were right. I wasn’t sure I’d enjoy all of it, but I certainly didn’t think I’d hate it. But I did. And it made me hate myself.
The questions we direct at ourselves in these situations are relentless: Why can’t I do it? Why am I so angry? Why can’t I cope?
The criticisms cut to our very cores: Everyone else seems to be managing just fine. I’m never going to be able to. I’m a horrible person and the worst mom ever.
We let it define us, we become overwhelmed by it, and we let it obscure the good so all we can see is the bad: Having a baby was a mistake.
It’s awful, and totally unwarranted. I see that now. I see other mothers struggling with similar issues and want so badly for them to know they’re not bad mothers. I see women beating themselves up over their own not-good-enough and I want to cry because I know they are so very enough. That’s why when Elena contacted me about being a contributor for Just.Be.Enough. I immediately said yes.
I have high standards, I know I do. I don’t do things by halves. If I get a chance to do something I go for it and throw my whole heart and soul into it. I think this is generally a good thing, but I now know I need to allow myself a little breathing room.
Striving for perfection as a mother not only caused me to like myself a whole lot less, it nearly killed me. I spent three years battling postpartum depression, and most of my focus was on trying to annihilate the PPD rather than attempting to understand how I ended up in the thick of it and accepting some things about myself that might allow me to move past it. It took me crashing, hard, and months of clawing my way back up to see what I needed to see.
I’m not weak because I struggled.
I’m not a bad mom because I find spending time with my son difficult at times.
I’m not any less of a woman because I work while my husband stays at home with our son and, frankly, is better at it than I could ever be.
I’m just me, and my high standards are fine. I don’t need to abandon them entirely. I just need to allow myself a bit more wiggle room so that if I fall, it’s not quite so far.
I want all of you to allow that for yourself too, even if you start small. Each one of us is unique and each of us has strengths. Even if you want to work on things, you are so very enough.
And that’s why Just.Be.Enough. is important to me.
Robin
xo
Remember that our Be Enough Me link up starts on Monday, August 15th! Link up with a post about how you have lived the Be Enough Me feeling this week.
About Robin Farr
We hold ourselves to impossibly high standards as moms, don’t we? I’m glad you have come to terms with yours and your wiggle room
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..It Matters
We do. It’s part of my mission to allow us not to
Robin recently posted..On High Standards and Hating Myself
There are times when being a mom is crazy hard and there are other times when WE make being a mom crazy hard. Thank you for sharing your story. I am not certain you can ever know how much you have helped me not feel so alone.
Jenn@Fox in the City recently posted..Hello I am Jenn and I love Kickboxing
You are so right! That’s a total a-ha moment. It is crazy hard but we do that to ourselves some of the time. Wow.
I’m so glad I’ve helped you. Being part of this community has helped me immensely too.
Robin recently posted..On High Standards and Hating Myself
Robin, this is such a powerful post. There’s nothing wrong with high standards – how would we achieve anything great without them? I think you’ve come to terms with the crux of the matter, though, that we can’t let our high standards blind us to the journey of our lives and realize that there is beauty to be found in each step along the path to our goals, even the parts that seem like failures teach us something – even if it’s how NOT to do something
angela recently posted..Birthday Wishes
That’s so true, Angela. And it’s the most important thing I’ve learned – that the hard parts have a purpose and there’s beauty in that if we can let ourselves see it. I’m glad to be past the worst of it (at least I hope it is!) but I still cherish those lessons.
Robin recently posted..On High Standards and Hating Myself
Robin, this is a truly powerful post. High standards are what makes you amazing….it is just a matter of as you said, wiggle room– and being kind to yourself because even with the highest standards, we need to let things go once in a while (ahem….speaking from experience). So much love to you!
Elena recently posted..BlogHer Reflections
Why didn’t I know you 3 years ago?!
You are so right of course. Much love coming right back atcha!
Robin recently posted..On High Standards and Hating Myself
Robin, this is such an important heartfelt piece. I want to print it out for myself, yes. But also for my girls. That wiggle room? Is to be strived for. Beautiful words, friend- as always.
Galit Breen recently posted..About #BlogHer11
That’s a great way to put it – to be strived for. There are times when it’s just so hard to “allow” it. We have to work at it and be conscious of what happens if we don’t. Thank you, my friend, for your wonderful comment.
Robin recently posted..On High Standards and Hating Myself
Thank you. You know my struggle and I’ve realized a lot of it comes from being so hard on myself and wanting to be THE best at everything I do. I see so many women who do it well–or what I perceive them doing well. I see a great writer–but maybe she’s not a great cook. I see a great teacher–but maybe she’s not a great housekeeper. It’s all about balance. No one is great at everything. But I have a few things I can do well and I do them. And some things I’m letting go right now. So the house isn’t always clean? Well, I usually have a baby in one arm. Oh well. She comes first. Dinner isn’t always ready on time and it isn’t a gourmet meal. That’s ok too. Someday I will make a great meal. But today, I don’t have to be a perfect chef. Thanks for the honesty. I love when other moms are honest.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..What I Love About Him, Sawdust & All
You know that seeing you acknowledge that is magic, right? It’s so true. Come and see my house right now – it’s a disaster
Robin, I constantly wonder why I can’t be a successful working mother. I have a mini-breakdown about every three months because I simply cannot work full-time and be the housewife and mother I should (want) to be. It’s so hard to let go of the unattainable utopia I thought motherhood would be. I envisioned myself staying home like my mom did. I knew it would be hard – I just thought I’d have more time to be with them to make up for it when I mess up. I see TONS of mothers who work and parent and don’t seem to be us miserable as I am at times. I think secretly DH wonders why I can’t get it together, too, though he would never say that. I’ve gotten better at letting some things go, but it’s a fight I face daily.
NotJustAnotherJennifer recently posted..Joplin
I know. I’m right there with you. I’m going back to work next week after 4 1/2 months of sick leave. Just tonight I finally allowed myself to start thinking about what it’s going to be like trying to maintain that balance again. It’s going to be tough, I have no doubt. But I’m going to ask for help when I need it, even if that’s from my husband, who stays at home with our son. He’s willing to shoulder a heavier toddler load in order for me to be okay, and I’ve finally – finally! – let go of (most of) my guilt around that.
As for having more time with them to make up for messing up, maybe it’s not more time. Maybe it’s just making the most of the time you have. You can have really, really great moments with them in short spurts
You know somewhat of my struggles with perfectionism and inadequacy issues. Thank you for sharing your story. Love you, lady. <3
Chibi Jeebs recently posted..I had to call the police last night
I do, and I also know a lot about how you tackle those issues head on. You are strong and beautiful. xo <3
Well said Robin.
Thinking I had to be perfect was the source of my guilt monster that made me feel bad about myself and doubt my abilities as a mother.
Down with the guilt monster!
Guilt monster – I love it! Yes, let’s annihilate the guilt monster. Please!
Thanks for this post. I feel like I’m in a constant spectator sport with other women but it’s unclear what the end goal is. It’s like this massive herd being led to believe “you should do…” or “why aren’t you…” Guilt is debilitating us from living up to our full potential as women, wife, mother, and sister. I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately – about finding myself and not explaining/apologizing for being different or staying off “the beaten path.”
Good! I’m so glad to hear that. I’ve struggled with that too outside of the whole motherhood thing. I’m not pretty enough or cool enough or fashionable enough. I think I have finally moved past that as well. Be who you are. It’s a powerful thing.
It’s such a fine line between having high standards for yourself and missing all the good you do because it’s not “perfect”. What’s “perfect”, anyway? My perfect isn’t your perfect. All we can do is accept ourselves and work with who we are instead of trying to fit our square selves into round holes. Life is so much better that way. Thank you for sharing your story!
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Chocolate Cheesecake
So true, Jen! And really, there is no perfect. And if there were it would probably be boring and would definitely be exhausting.
Beautiful Robin!
The link up sounds GREAT!!
Leighann recently posted..Summer has been F-U-N
I know you’re gonna have some stuff to say on this.
Bring it!
You are quite amazing and have been for at least 32 years (but most likely more, I just didn’t know you then). As someone who knew you when you were going through this but didn’t know you were going through this (for which I will always be sorry I didn’t know and wasn’t able to help), I never once thought you were incapable of being a mom. You are warm and nurturing and C loves you so much because you are his capable mama and that’s all he sees. I am sorry you had to feel that way and struggle for so long but look at where you are now and the impact you are having on so many who are following in those unfortunate shoes.
No one expects you to be perfect but you are as close to it as anyone I know (and I know a lot of people) even if your standards say differently. You are absolutely enough for me and I hope you recognize that my world would be so different and incomplete without you here. You’re enough and more than enough.
xo
Don’t be sorry. It was a lesson I had to learn myself.
A lot of my amazing has been inspired by you. If I die half as beautiful a person as you it will be enough. xo
I love this. I have spent far too much time throughout my life painting on the face of someone who “has it all under control” because that is what is expected… most recently after the birth of my son – first by fighting the knowledge that I had PPD at all, and then by insisting when he was 6 months old that I was fine and it was gone. Because that’s what everyone expected and had read in their 5 seconds of google research.
The strength is in owning who you are. Good for you.
Yes! Exactly. I do not have it all together and I’m sick of pretending I do.
You are not weak. And you are not a bad mom. You are human and perfect just the way you are.
Your family is lucky to have you.
Natalie @ Mama Track recently posted..BlogHer: The Dadlogs
Thank you, my friend. I know that now. I just wish it hadn’t taken so long.
I wish blogs were in existence when my kids were born/little…because I believe I would not have felt so alone after the birth of my daughter. I would have anxiety attacks if things were not “perfect”…like when my mother came to help with the baby, I ran around like a crazy person trying to make her feel entertained!! When I should have just relaxed and taken care of myself!!
Wow. You are an amazing woman!! I wish I knew you then….but I am glad I am getting to know you NOW!
Wiggle room….it is an awesome thing.
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