We’re continuing with intro week here on Just.Be.Enough. Yesterday, Robin shared her story about what Just.Be.Enough. means to her.

Today is Jen’s turn.

Where do I begin to tell you my story?

Do I tell you about how I once told a classmate that I’d lost 20 lbs over the weekend and then sucked in my belly to make it look as though I did? And how she expressed approval and told me how much better I looked? We were in the first grade, by the way.

Do I tell you about the fact that every.single.one of my girlfriends had boys chasing after them when we were kids, and how I was looked at with that weird mixture of pity/resentment reserved for the friend the boys merely put up with?

How about the fact that I spent the evening of my Junior Prom going to dinner and a movie with my mom?

Or the fact that my freshman year English teacher, who I idolized, convinced me that my dreams were ridiculous?

Clearly I could go on and on but suffice it to say I’ve spent most of my life feeling inferior.  As though I had to apologize for my very existence.  Like my dreams weren’t good enough.  And somehow? I started to believe all of it.  I guess it’s inevitable after enough time passes.

By the time I turned 26 I had myself convinced that love and dreams weren’t for me.  Some people just don’t get what they want, I told myself, and I’d better get used to it if I wanted to avoid pain.  I didn’t think of myself as a woman – so few men ever had.  All it brought me was pain.  I was too down on myself to even consider following my dreams.  I wasn’t even sure what my dreams were, honestly.

Then one day, and I have no idea what spurred this, everything changed.  I suddenly stopped caring about all the other stuff – all the negativity and the hurt and the exclusion I’d ever felt.  It didn’t matter anymore.  I was too tired of it all.

I also didn’t care anymore about trying to fit myself into a mold in order to find a guy – feeling like I had to apologize for being plus-sized, feeling sad and “less than” when they didn’t reply after receiving a second photo of me from a dating site.  Knowing exactly why their interest faded.

So I put up a classified ad and let it all out – my size, my sarcasm, my abilities and my new-found “I don’t care if you don’t like me, don’t waste my time” attitude.

Later that very day I was emailed by my husband-to-be.

What’s the point of me telling you all this? Well, I see it this way: If that one decision to pack away all the pain and hurt and self-loathing that I’d been carrying with me most of my life led me to meeting my husband THAT SAME DAY, what else am I capable of?

What else are we all capable of?

Sure, over the past 5+ years I’ve often found myself back in that dark place.  It didn’t go away.  I doubt, I condemn myself, I put myself down for daring to dream.  I curse my body and my penchant for loving food too much.  I tell myself “it’s not possible” more times in the course of a single day than I can count.

But.

If I can just make one positive change every day.  One moment of clarity, one moment of truly being with myself and being present in my thoughts.  If I can listen to myself and hear the things I say and immediately refute them, rather than just letting them pop-up at random and stick in my subconscious – then who knows what I can accomplish?

Because I am enough.  I am good enough.  I am smart and funny and wise and warm and talented.  Even though I’m clumsy, even though I’m overweight.  Even though I say awkward things and I’m afraid to drive and I “only” have a few hundred followers on my blog and I have big feet.

I am still loved.  I am me for a reason.

I am enough, and I am worthy of  my own kindness.  And so are you.

xo

Jen

 

 

 

Remember that our Be Enough Me link up starts on Monday, August 15th! Link up with a post about how you have lived the Be Enough Me feeling this week.

Elena

About Elena


Living, doing, and growing, Elena is a freelance writer and chaser of dreams trying to make every moment matter. Follow her adventures at LiveDoGrow. You can also find her on @ElenaSonnino on Twitter.

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