Summer is bathing suit season. It is a time that brings on insecurities in many women. For me, wearing a swimsuit this summer was not just difficult. I was dreading it. My body is not where I wanted it to be. Yes, there are reasons beyond my control for not having been able to work out and achieve my fitness goals in the beginning of this year. But as I wiped the tears from my eyes as I came home early the other day from the beach in Lido (Venice) Italy, the only thing I thought about was how far from enough I felt.
You see, Italy brings out every possible insecurity in my being.
I could feel myself being overtaken by this sensation of insecurity as we dropped off our rental car and waited for the motoscafo (taxi boat) to take us to Lido. All of a sudden every extra curve and roll that has taken up residence on my body felt…like a prison. I wanted so much to enjoy our time in Venice. I wanted to be able to watch my daughter play on the beaches of my childhood, but all I could think about was how just plain crappy I felt about myself.
It started with the struggle to pick out which clothes I would wear each morning. Wearing spanx in the 90 degree weather was ridiculous, but I did it anyway because it gave me at least one little weapon against some of my rolls. But at the beach — a beach I could not avoid because of my daughter, my family, and my friends — there are no spanx.
My black Athleta bra-cup-sized tankini stuck out like a scarlett letter against the bikinis of women young and old. After a morning in what felt like a prison of discomfort, I came up with a reason to come home early. To shower. To write. To something or other. By the time I got home I could hardly contain my tears. Like a volcanic eruption my tears could not be stopped. Even in the shower I could see the reflection of my body in the mirror and in the empty apartment I cried out, almost desperately in frustration.
I told myself that I would not go back to the beach. I could not. There was no way I could survive the emotion of feeling like that again. Except that I have my daughter, who adores being at the beach. We have our friends, who see spending time at the beach together as the perfect way to catch up. And also? I have almost two more weeks of being here, in an apartment, just steps from the beach, in a city that is too hot to be anywhere else.
I know it is ridiculous. That my size, bathing suit, or fitness level does not matter to my family or friends. But it does to me. More than I even realized.
Except that I have 10 days left and I know I cannot avoid the beach, as much as I would like to. As a mom I owe it to my daughter to put on a happy face and give her the vacation and experience she deserves. As a woman I owe it to myself to be kind to myself. To believe in the idea of being enough. To believe in my power to do something about this. Not because I want to wear a particular size, but because this feeling of cowering in the corner wanting to shut myself off from everyone and everything…is not ok.
Somehow, some way I knew I had to find a way to not cringe every morning as we get ready to head out for a day of sand castles and jumping over waves. So today I went. I put on my tankini. I played in the waves with my daughter. We laughed and laughed. I made it the entire day without leaving early. No excuses. No hiding. Just me. In my tankini.
Did I feel good? No.
But did I stay anyway? Yes. Because cry as I might at the vision of myself in the mirror, I know that I cannot let my poor body image ruin the remaining days of my Italian vacation.
xo
Elena
Oh my friend. I am sorry you are feeling this way; the feeling that your body is a prison holding you back from what you want to do just makes me want to hug you. Yet I understand how difficult it was, and I am so, so proud of you for choosing your family, especially your lovely girl, and your friends over that demon of insecurity. xo
angela recently posted..For Always
We’ve all had those moments, where we don’t feel like “enough” – props to you for conquering your fears and taking a step in the right direction!
Leah @ Chocolate and Wild AIr recently posted..Greek bulgur salad
I am so glad you went back! I have been in that mind-prison before and it really doesn’t matter what I actually look like. If I go there I am trapped. You are awesome for breaking out of it and I know the rest of your trip will be amazing!
Andrea (Lil-Kid-Things) recently posted..Chronicling A Day In the Life of a Diaper Rash {giveaway}
I know how hard it can be when these feelings of insecurity pop up in our lives. It’s hard to dismiss that. But you’re doing what’s right, you’re embracing the moment of being in Italy. You’re tough. You’re strong. You’re beautiful.
Katie @wishandwhimsy recently posted..Gym Minutes Analyzed.
I’m so sorry you’ve been hurting while you’re on vacation. I can identify with feeling “not enough” in a swimsuit, and I’m grateful that you found the courage to write about how you feel. Sending more courage, more love, and more peace to your heart as you vacation, hoping that you are more and more able to put aside the perspective you struggle with and enjoy being there. *HUG*
Frelle recently posted..First Kiss
Body image is such a strange thing. It was only a little more than a month ago that I looked in the mirror and saw someone I did not like. At all. I felt not necessarily overweight, but just doughy and unfit. I’d become apathetic toward exercise and resolved right then and there to get back into it. And I did. And it felt really good – to the point that I’ve continued doing it, not so much for the way it makes me look, but the way it makes me feel. In reality, I know my body hasn’t changed THAT much over the last few weeks, but it’s amazing how much stronger, more confident, and more toned I feel now now (even if the latter is more illusion than anything at this point). All that in a little over a month.
And I know all too well what it’s like to put on a happy face for the benefit of your child, when all you really want to do is gripe and obsess over every little dimple and crevice on your body. The way we have to think about and approach our own body image changes drastically when kids are involved – one of the many lessons I’ve learned about motherhood.
Hang in there, hon. And don’t let those skinny bitches ruin your Italian vacation!
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..Closer to God
Oh babe… Believe me, I know. Our mind, and what IT tell us is other people’s perception of us, is one of the greatest controllers we’ll ever know. Just remember that your daughter is not judging you for how you look. She loves you as you are. And I guarantee that while you feel as if everyone is staring at you, they aren’t.
If you can, go pick up that bikini and enjoy your body. You’ve been through too much to hide.
Lisa Frame recently posted..Travel Tuesday: Design-your-own Sundae Bar at Omni Hotels
I love this! I have to remind myself that even if I’m not feeling particularly good looking in my swimsuit, taking my boys swimming and seeing the joy on their faces far outweighs my level of comfort or insecurities.
Jessica recently posted..Maternity Fashion: Stripes
powerful post. I so TOTALLY hear you and get you on this. I loved Becca’s comment
Dresden recently posted..Where have all the best friends gone?
Aw that sucks, I hope the rest of your holiday goes well though!
idiosyncraticeye recently posted..Addiction
I completely relate and know that feeling of misery in my own skin, bathing suit or not. I love that you went back to the beach and didn’t let your unkind thoughts dictate your actions. What a win! I hope writing about this and getting support will help you enjoy the rest of your vacation. Enjoy!
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