I am a believer in things happening for a reason. For timing and life to come together in ways unbeknownst to us, ways that are just right. This August, while attending BlogHer in San Diego, I truly believe things came together for me in a magical way because, after hurriedly launching Just.Be.Enough., I met a woman who spoke the words that were buried down deep in my heart. A woman whose persona, whose entire being, exuded Just.Be.Enough. I met Dr. Brené Brown.
For those who have not had the pleasure or honor of hearing Brené speak, I highly recommend sitting down with a beverage, a box of tissues, and watching her TED talk.
Some might say I became obsessed, but I prefer to think of my obsession as a deeply seeded respect. Okay fine, maybe I am a groupie… But when Brené responded to my email and said she was willing to be interviewed because she loved what we were doing, well, I was in heaven. And as I sit here looking at her very own words on THIS site. I smile. I am thankful.
Here’s what she said in response to the Just.Be.Enough. team’s questions:
JBE: You’ve said living with our whole hearts requires practicing the courage it takes to own our stories and tell the truth about who we are. What small steps can people take to start doing that if they’re afraid to tell their stories?
BB: We’re often afraid to share our truths because we don’t want to be crushed under the weight of a single story. We don’t want to be defined by or reduced to our struggle. We are more complex than that. Our stories are a part of who we are, but they don’t define us. We want our stories to open up our connections, not shut us off. I think it’s important to share our stories with people who have earned the right to hear them. People who embrace our complexity and recognize that we are all made of strength and struggle. I am mindful when I choose my storycatchers.
JBE: After BlogHer there was a lot of talk about mean girls. Would be curious about your thoughts about why this “mean girls” thing happens in groups, especially when there are so many women. And would you be an advocate of calling people out on that behavior or just focusing on the Golden Rule?
BB: I write about this in I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME. I think we often use gossip and badmouthing as a way to connect. There’s a juicy “you and me” connection that happens when we have a common enemy, a shared criticism, or a mutual annoyance. I often recommend that people try to redirect the conversation or try to find equally juicy topics to serve as a platform of connection. For example, if someone says, “Susie is so arrogant. I can’t stand her,” I think it’s more effective to respond with “I don’t really know her that well” or “That’s not my experience of her.” If you come back with a lecture on gossiping or negativity, it can put people on the defensive and that’s never helpful. I find that not participating in the mean girl stuff is the best way to advocate for kindness. It’s just not easy because we’re all hungry for connection and gossip cruelty is a quick, counterfeit fix.
JBE: How did you feel when you got up on stage to do your TED Talk?
BB: It was equal parts exciting and terrifying, which is the way I often feel when I speak. I really did think of it as a hometown crowd of friends. It NEVER occurred to me that 2 million people would eventually watch me talk about my breakdown/spiritual awakening. Had I known then…
JBE: What has been your biggest surprise as far as how people have reacted to your work?
BB: It’s always humbling when people connect with your work in a way that’s meaningful for them – I stay very, very grateful for that.
The biggest surprise has probably been my own reaction. I’m a very private person and truly an introvert, so there have been some growing pains.
I think the global response to the TEDx Houston talk made me aware of the tension of working hard to start a national conversation about vulnerability, shame, and worthiness, and at the same time working to stay right under the radar. Ironically, it’s been a very vulnerable experience.
JBE: How have you dealt with critics or skeptics of the idea of wholehearted living?
BB: I actually enjoy constructive debate and discussion. I don’t mind people questioning my work or my research, it’s the cruelty and mean-spiritedness that’s tough.
Most of the time I’m pretty good at ignoring the personal attacks – I have a lot of support. There are days, however, when I cry and I want to quit, OR I want to engage and kick someone’s ass (verbally, which I’m also pretty good at doing). I focus on the people who love me and the people who tell me the truth. And, I have Scott Stratten’s quote on my desk: “Don’t try to win over the haters. You’re not the jackass whisperer.” That really helps.
JBE: Do you have a preference between speaking engagements and writing?
BB: I feel so lucky to be able to do both. I love writing because I get to be at home – my sacred space. I love speaking because I like “talking my work” better than writing it. I’m still looking for the right combination – it’s been a process.
JBE: Where do you see yourself in 20 years?
BB: Hopefully right here, where I am now, with my awesome husband and with my kids living a few blocks away. And grandkids (if that’s meant to be). They’re all I really need.
——-
Can I just tell you all how much I love that very last answer? Because to me loving where you are, in the moment, living life and knowing you have what you need? That is a gift.
And in case this interview was not enough of a gift, Brene’ has graciously provided TWO sets of goodies for TWO lucky readers.
TWO winners will each get THE GIFTS OF IMPERFECTION, I THOUGHT IT WAS JUST ME, AND the HUSTLE FOR WORTHINESS DVD.
How to enter:
Leave a comment that shares a story about living authentically or about the gift of your imperfections.
Extra entries can be earned by:
- Spreading the #BeEnough message by tweeting, “I believe in ME! @JustBeEnough & @BreneBrown are teaming up to remind me to choose AUTHENTICITY http://bit.ly/nwDTH5″. (one tweet/per day, maximum of four) (please leave a comment for each tweet)
.
All entries must be received by Wednesday, September 21, 2011. A winner will be selected using random.org. The winner will be contacted by email on the evening of September 21st. If I have not heard back from the winner by the morning of September 22nd, a new winner will be chosen.
xo
Elena
Living authentically is something I am trying to learn to do so I guess I’d have to say it’s a work in progress.
I am a teacher and am now a stay at home mum. One of my key needs in a classroom is respect and kindness…
When I was teaching I used to have a “worry book” that was there for all the children to write/draw in. It was my way of acknowledging that they had concerns that they needed to share but didn’t necessarily want to tell anyone face to face. I told them that I would be reading it just to be sure there wasn’t anything that needed addressing, like bullying.
They embraced the book. The one entry that I wish I had copied was from a 7 year old girl who wrote “Mummy and Daddy are always fighting. I am worried that they are going to get divorced.” Her best friend drew a picture in response with a speech bubble saying “No matter what Mrs M and us will always be your family”
That book in its many forms has taken pride of place in each of my classrooms since then.
How lovely to meet you Brene and thank you for sharing your wisdom and words. To live authentically, such a simple yet profound philosophy. Thank you for being here on JBE!
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I’m Sorry
Love this ladies! Not being the jackass whisperer is one fabulous quote!
Galit Breen recently posted..A Modern Love Story
Thank you so much for sharing your perspective here. I love the part where you talk about carefully choosing your storycatchers. I find it very simple to share certain stories and more difficult to share others, and I like the idea of really making sure that I am comfortable sharing those parts of my past.
It’s such a simple concept in theory, living authentically, but it can be more difficult in practice.
angela recently posted..My Preschooler
LOVE this quote, “We’re often afraid to share our truths because we don’t want to be crushed under the weight of a single story. We don’t want to be defined by or reduced to our struggle.”
So true. I’ve had the hardest year of my life. Lost my mom to cancer and found out unthinkable things regarding my family. I need to choose my “storycatchers” well, and I know I will not be defined by this struggle. I can still live authentically in the midst of these circumstances.
We all have beautiful stories to tell. We are each a hero in a different way. When we look at ourselves through the perception of shame we don’t see ourselves as the true heros we really are. The reality is by sharing our stories we lift each other up and encourage each other to see the hero and the light in each other. We never know the impact we may have on another by sharing our story or we never know the impact we may have by asking another their story. Every one is a book we just need to take the time to read the story and then in turn share the stories with each other. This is how we break the cycle of shame. It is a hero’s journey!
The Gift of My Imperfections Story
I’m learning to appreciate the people who challenge me and make me grow. My imperfections lately include my temper and quickness to blame even though I thought of myself as responsible.
Julie
Julie recently posted..Blogging ☆ Painting ☆ Comments ☆ Thoughts
What thoughtful questions and answers. I am also a big fan of Brene’s work.
In trying to live an authentic life, I have finally figured out that the things I wished I could change about myself are really necessary for my life and where my greatest contributions can be found. I am an introvert who needs a lot of solitude and is not great at small talk. Through my contemplation flows the photography and writing that I share with the world. It is my way of connecting and it works for me.
Kim recently posted..Keep Telling Stories – Empathy and 9/11
Brene’s message is so beautiful and powerful. Upon your suggestion a couple of weeks ago, I watched her talk and it blew me away. Sometimes the simplest truths are so profound, they can rock your world. When she spoke about shame being a result of a fear of disconnection from others, and that shame being what prevents us from sharing our true selves? I was floored. Because at the heart of everything, that’s where it comes from.
Living authentically can be so difficult at times because when you’re small and you act in your most authentic manner, you’re told to shush, or to be “good”. So of course we want to show our best selves to the world at all times. And even when my instincts tell me to be more open, more transparent, there’s still that voice in my head that reminds me that people might not like what they see. It’s scary. But then I remind myself that I don’t want to waste anyone’s time, either, including my own – why fool people into thinking I’m perfect anyway? It’s too much effort. And now I’m rambling. I just have so many thoughts surrounding this concept!
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Wellness Wednesday: Healthy, Sexy, Happy
I grew up in an unstable home and being the “good” child, the perfect one, is how I held onto my place in the world. When I first heard Brene` on TED talks, I was taken aback. What do you mean it’s okay to be imperfect? Recently, in an attempt to take care of me for a change, I have embraced that notion and am making it known to those who expect perfection from me that I am not perfect. Yes, I am strong, but I am vulnerable and I’m okay with that.
In trying to help my son, we have both discovered that we are “Attention Challenged” and what goes on in our brains is not “normal”. I find it oddly comforting and I am thankful for the door to imperfection being opened. Thank you, Brene`!
How fitting for me to find this site and read this post this morning as I wait to leave for a doctor appointment. About 9 1/2 years ago, I worked as the lead staff at a group home for high functioning young adults. LOVED my job…so much so that I didn’t see it as “work”. I was the happiest I had ever been in my life after an intentional journey to become authentic in my life.
One night at work I was brutallly attacked by one of my clients. It has left me with a permanant skull and neck injury and PTSD and endless doctor appointments and living with pain 24/7. It also means that my ability to work and what I can do has totally changed. At present I have been reduced to 2 seven hour work days a week. And presently I’ve had to take a break from working because of daycare issues. Five years ago, shortly after marrying my husband we started raising my step daughters children, whom are now 5 and 6 and my husbands job change meant he could not care for them while I worked.
For the past 9 years I have struggled to remain authentic and to find my place. I have my moments when I feel a peace that I am exactly where I am suppose to be. There are moments when the pain or ptsd don’t control my life. But then there are the moments that all of this seems pointless and I feel like I am losing my fight. It feels like I am failing miserably to keep up with everything and sometimes I just don’t want to.
Thank you for these words today. They were food for my soul. I most recently found Brene Brown and her words touch me deeply. So thankful to find your place this morning. Just what I needed to go to another doctor appointment.
I saw Brene’s Ted talk and was struck by how, in talking about vulnerability, she was also showing it. I became inspired to try it.
I’m 54 years old, divorced, and have always felt like I was on the outside of situations, looking in. Never really fitting in and feeling a part of things – including my relationships. Needless to say I’ve spent a lot of time alone wondering “what is wrong with me. why can’t I connect? why don’t people like me?” Her talk gave me the insight I was looking for. I decided to try “wholeheartedness” and “authentic living”.
For the first time, this summer I joined a community pool. I was always very self concious about my appearance and how people perceived me. I decided to throw all of it out the window. I went, I engaged, I didn’t hide, I talked with people I didn’t know, I smiled – alot. I talked about myself, my family, my life – some of it painful – to people who were interested. I was not only accepted, but embraced and made new friends in the process.
I didn’t edit and I didn’t expect them to either. It was so refreshing. I cried at how long it has taken me to get here. But my gratitude has consumed my heart and soul and I thank God every day for bringing teachers like Brene’ into my life. Every night I ask for the strength and courage to keep my heart open, allowing people and love into my life. And it works. I feel lighter, happier than I’ve ever been and many of my friends have noticed the change.
So thank you for this, and heartfelt thanks to Brene’. You changed my life. God bless.
I first say Brene on PBS speaking about “Gifts of Imperfections”. The part that stayed with me the most was that…when you are trying to get to say church on time and you are running behind…rather than worrying about who will be put out, and taking it out on your kids…stop and let yourself off the hook. The most important thing is that you are going. That really spoke to me, and it has changed my life. Thanks Brene…love your work.
I loved this interview and I loved Brene’s talk. As long as I can remember I have lived a life of hiding because I learned to believe that I was not good enough. My journey of the last two years has been to reach a place of self acceptance and to understand that just because I am not perfect, that does not mean that I am unacceptable. Brene has reinforced the truth of this. Thank you for this post xxx
Vulnerability and authenticity have kicked my butt in the last year. As a psychotherapist, I have had to look at the expectations that my profession holds for me and take an honest inventory of all of the shame triggers hidden within my work. For me–and for my clients. As a result, I’ve embraced Brene’s work and have launched a membership community for therapists where we can finally share the truth of our imperfections without judgement and shame. My art work, and the creative expression of the other therapists I’ve worked with, is the key to this kind of authentic unburdening. Brene’s unrelenting cadence, that imperfection is a gift, finally rings true. Yeah!
Lisa Mitchell recently posted..Thank you!
Oh wow, processing all the good stuff in her words just took my breath away. I am not familiar with her work, but I watched the video and just sobbed for the things it taught me about myself. Amazing.
There were so many parts of this I adored ..calling her readers “storycatchers” OF COURSE! And talking about we fear telling one particular story for fear that is how we’ll be seen. I have not hit publish on a lot of posts because I worry that if I tell “that story” people will leave, will judge, will only think of that one part of my history when they should be mindful of my present. I literally felt my head nodding in agreement.
At 41 I am trying so hard to live mindfully..to live in this moment and be expectant of wonderful things coming in the form of ordinary stuff.
I simply love this message given to us by Brene.
Kir recently posted..Sharing My Magic Moments: The Vacation Edition
Hello, my name is Lorie and I am a recovering perfectionist… I have struggled with this all my life, as I like to be liked and of course everyone likes someone who is perfect, right? (lol)
I have been reading Brene’s blog for a couple of years now- so inspirational. I have this same Authenticity poster on my desk at work. It really is a daily practice, it is choosing to be compassionate, choosing to be vulnerable, choosing to embrace imperfection each and every time. It is a choice. And it takes a lot of practice. It requires slowing down, breathing, acting instead of reacting. Not very common in our hyper speed world.
My practice starts with gratitude. At my school, right before our noon time meal, we have a Moment of Silence. I use this time to remember and honor at least 3 things I am thankful for and to really express gratitude for all the joy in my life. and sometimes for the hard things too, as it all proves that I AM alive and that I AM enough.
Thank you for this chance to speak out for Authenticity!!
Lorie recently posted..Summer’s Recap (Warning- It’s a long one!)
I love Brene, wish I got to spend more time with her here in Houston but she’s a popular lady these days! I love what she says about choosing her storycatchers wisely. I have stayed away from being vulnerable for years, especially on my blog, but I see now how important it is for connection, thanks to Brene. So I have been trying to speak more authentically to those close to me that are deserving of it and even to write a little more authentically on my blog.
MainlineMom aka Sarah recently posted..The Best Laid Plans
I first discovered Brene’s work a couple of years ago and love it. I love her message and her humour. So glad to have her here with us today!
I’m about to take a big step and walk away from something that’s not fulfilling me in order to live the life I think I’m meant to live.(Eep!)
Robin recently posted..First Day of Preschool
Holy cow!!
I canNOT believe Brene’s generosity, and her gift of words here.
Elena, I never would have approached her, I would’ve said, “why should she talk to me? I’m no one.”
Awful to say about myself , isn’t it?
That’s why you’re steering this craft.
High FIVE.
WOW..still speechless.
I am speechless. Go fight win, to all of us!
I’ve often said, “we are not reduced to a single experience, and our experience should connect us to others in a way we never would’ve been able to before.”
Eerie.
Alexandra recently posted..Unimaginable Realities – For Anna See
Living authentically gets easier with age. It’s at least potentially one of the gifts of getting older…you grow into yourself, accept yourself as you are and at least I think I’m presenting a truer self to the world. I definitely see myself as equal to all others, no longer inferior. My response to gossip is usually to say: that’s not how I experience the person or there must be a reason and begin to explore the psychological reasons a person might act in such a way (such as arrogant). I refuse to heap more negativity on a person who isn’t present. Great questions, great answers. Food for thought. Thank you.
Diane recently posted..Ghosts for Breakfast
[...] My aunt recommended this site and I found the message so welcoming and true to my pursuit. The site is: www.justbeenough.com. [...]
I just found Brene Brown’s work and I love how you characterize yourself as a little obsessed with her. I have to admit that I am too. I found your blog because I spent yesterday searching for more of her wisdom online (after listening to her two TED talks) and your blog came up with this interview. I am right now learning to live authentically. Sadly, it has taken the dissolution of my nine year marriage to get here but I am now coming out of the other side and happy for the first time in my life. I am accepting my imperfections and failures and I know that despite them, I am still enough.
Brene is an enormous hero in my life. I would looooove having her books and DVD – two of which I haven’t read yet – so I could also pass them onto other women.
To me, being authentic is so important. I used to think I wasn’t good enough or wasn’t worthy of “normalcy”. But now I celebrate that I’m not normal or living a normal life. Brene has CERTAINLY helped me celebrate that, and I really try through blogging and my online journal shop, http://www.gadanke.com, to help others celebrate their stories and themselves, too.
THANK YOU for this.
[...] as often happens when I hear Brené Brown speak, I realized something very important. Brené recently gave a TED 2012 talk about shame. [...]
My mother sent me an email with Brene’s TED talk embedded in it. I think it was her gut reaction after my most recent “performance” of authenticity. I will say that how this authentic moment came to be was less spiritual awakening, and more snot all over your face, pretend to be looking for something beneath the passenger seat because you have been crying in your car for 45 minutes and this guy is just walking his dog.
Recently I have experienced a series of fortunate events due to an enormous amount of struggle and sacrifice, followed by a series of unfortunate events and big decisions. I am fortunate to be choosing between two excellent medical schools and I know that I am a perfectionist who will work herself to the bone to avoid being less smart, less accomplished and less caring than her peers. The acceptance has felt a bit like staring down the barrel of a gun. I have read all of the healthy ways to cope with this sort of stress. Get outdoors. Exercise. etc. And I practiced all of these…right into a repetitive stress injury. Long story short: I get sent home from my waitressing job because I can barely walk, I can’t run or ride my bike to relieve the stress and I am afraid that if I go to medical school I will be driven to the point that I will lose my friends and my partner. (Spiral into wallowing, injured, panic attack in old white volvo outside my apartment). I am on the phone with my mom telling her all of these things and I finally say: That’s it there is no longer anything I can do to control this. I can make my choice to go and where I go or not to go at all, but anyway it happens I can’t make my foot better, I can’t work and I have to sit with this feeling because it’s not going anywhere.
I have thoroughly enjoyed listening to what Brene has to say because it gives me hope that I can choose to practice medicine without hating myself and destroying my relationships because it is me that has to change and no matter where I go, there I will be.
Thanks!
My sister is a huge Brene’ fan and encouraged me to read her book and sent me the TEDx wed site to watch the videos. Blown away by her personna, intriqued by her subject matter, and crushed to see me as I really am…….anything but authentic or courageous, and full of shame.
Now the tough “spiritual awakening” that must occur. I cannot stay where I have been mired unaware for years. Even as I type this the tears are coursing down my cheeks. I have spent the past year discovering some things about myself that have been difficult to swallow and this is no exception. But in the words of Walt Disney, “if there was no change, there would be no butterflies.” This catapillar wants out of this cocoon. It has been false safety and security. I may not have many years left but I want them to be the most beautiful and full of flight! That will be authentically ME!
So, for being the forecaster of a climate change………..I offer my profoundest thanks and my sister, well who knows if she will like the change? I hope so, because I love it in her!
[...] -Brene Brown, Ph.D (text via JustBeEnough) [...]
[...] to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Leadby Brené Brown. We have been long time fans (groupies even) of Brené Brown’s work. She is incredibly wise, and incredibly poignant in [...]