I’m in an ongoing battle with my husband right now. Except he doesn’t know it. I’m keeping score in my head, you see.
I cooked and did the dishes, plus I did the laundry so he should put it away.
I got up with the kids this morning so it’s his turn to entertain the bored four-year-old.
I did the meal planning and bought groceries and emptied the dishwasher. Then I spent three hours with a fussy baby this afternoon. He’s cooking tonight. And doing the dishes.
Does anyone else do this? It’s all in my head and totally counterproductive and I know it. I used to end up consumed by bitterness, so at least now I’m aware of it and how useless an exercise it is. But I still do it.
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It’s like I have a mental scoreboard with two columns — Things He Did and Things I Did — and I’m constantly aware of which side has more points. Except here’s the thing: In my own head, it’s always mine that does. It’s like my brain is stuck thinking I do more on a day-to-day basis in the home-and family-department even though that’s not really the case. Sure, I feel like I’m carrying a heavy load (don’t we all?) and it’s very easy to become woe-is-me about it, especially with a new baby who’s still up two or three times a night to be fed. When the tiredness catches up with me and all I can think of is that I’ve been up several times a night for the last almost 120 nights and will be up in the night for who knows how many more, my brain defaults to I don’t get enough sleep so he has to do EVERYTHING ELSE. And not only is that not terribly productive, it’s not even practical.
I’m blessed to be married to a guy who totally pulls his own weight. More, sometimes. He’s totally hands-on with the kids and is generally the default parent for the aforementioned four-year-old. (This is partly because I’m the default parent for the new baby and partly because he’s WAY better with the four-year-old than I am. You know that saying about not being there the day they handed out patience? That’s me.) My husband is a better cook than I am and he can tidy a house like he has a mess-averse mother-in-law with her finger on the doorbell. (He doesn’t.) Plus, he’s totally handy and he does ALL the boy jobs.
So now what I do is catch myself tallying the score and make myself stop. I think about all the things he HAS done and check in with my tired-o-meter to see if maybe I need to start forcing myself to go to bed a little earlier. Because what’s the point of keeping score? Rationally, I know those columns are actually pretty equal. Sure, a lot of my responsibility happens to fall at 3 a.m., but that’s just for now. He’s the one who unclogs the drains.
In the end I actually don’t think this is a battle with my husband. I think it’s a battle with myself. And no matter what the scoreboard says, as long as I’m playing I’m definitely not winning.
xo
Robin
I do this. Not all the time, but many times. It generally happens when I’m too stressed and too tired, and he’s generally in the same boat. You’re right that it’s counterproductive, but it’s tough to stop sometimes.
angela recently posted..The Master Class #3 – Weightless
Yep, tired is definitely what triggers this for me. Luckily I’ve learned to keep my mouth shut (for the most part).
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
I am guilty of doing this exact thing. I love your last comments; it’s a battle with ourselves.
Leighann recently posted..Losing Empathy
It totally is, isn’t it? And it helps me to think of it that way and not blow things out of proportion.
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
I do this every day, and I’m writing about it now, too, because in my case as in most women’s cases, I do carry the heavier load.
One Funny Motha recently posted..Wine Commune
I sort of wonder if I do too, but I’m scared to actually figure it out in case it gives me a real reason to be bitter.
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
Oh yes. It’s natural. My husband is very hands on with the kids, putting those hands in as soon as he walks in the door and helping me out. But it doesn’t keep me from being grumpy in the mornings when we’ve both had a bad night’s sleep, but I’m the one who has to get up.
Leigh Ann recently posted..That time everything in my house broke at once
Yeah, it’s totally the getting up in the mornings that makes me cranky about this.
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
My husband showed me a magazine article (remember those?) early in our marriage about a survey of couples. In every case, both people thought they were the one doing the larger share of the domestic chores. Way to go shedding light on this!
That doesn’t surprise me at all. I actually (coincidentally) read an article by Gretchen Rubin (The Happiness Project) about this where she talked about “unconscious overclaiming” (i.e. where we overestimate our contributions relative to others). So interesting.
http://www.happiness-project.com/happiness_project/2012/11/feeling-resentful-6-hard-facts-about-shared-work/
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
Oh yes I do this – but I actually say it all to him. And he still just nods and continues to do less than I would like. Gah!
tracy@sellabitmum recently posted..This is Childhood – Three
I think it’s their MO. Acknowledge, sort of, but don’t change it.
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
I try not to, but yes, I do this. But in all honesty, I’ve caught myself doing this in all my relationships. Sure, at home it’s more often because well, I live with him, but: at work. I will keep a mental note of how many times I’ve been the one to do All Of The Things on a project. On holidays or random Sunday dinners, I keep a tally of all that I’ve cooked and all that my sisters have not. With my husband, it’s easier to stew in my irritation over his doing less even though were I to actually tally the score it wouldn’t be as dramatic a win on my side as I think on a day-to-day basis. It’s just easier to assume so (and easier for me to roll my eyes at him or sigh heavily as I cook waiting for him to catch on and ask if he can help with anything. But, then I tend to snap “No, I can handle it.” Because what’s worse than doing everything? Well, it’s having someone think you can’t do everything.)
Arnebya recently posted..Sometimes
Ha! So true. We just can’t win, can we?
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
I totally do this. Except I do it out loud! Of course, it doesn’t make me feel better or him appreciate me more. It’s never going to be 50-50. You’d think after 9 years of marriage I’d learn.
I do remember it being especially tough with a newborn, though. So much of it naturally falls on the mom. And sleep deprivation’s a b*tch!
Abby recently posted..Bubble Magic
Yeah, the newborn thing is totally rough. And it’s definitely the sleep thing. It feels so unbalanced, and of course I’m tired and that always makes things worse.
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
I’ve been married a LONG time, and this advice is spot on.
Plus, I keep score right out in open.
Seriously though, we take turns so that keeping score isn’t really necessary.
Jennifer recently posted..Gossip, continued {Creative Writing}
I think that’s the trick. We need to be more conscious of taking turns on some of this stuff and then it won’t feel like I’m waiting for him to do something.
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
My husband does a lot, just different thing. He takes care of the big boy’s bed time, he takes him out to tire him out/ entertain him, he’s the one who’s doing the new food introducing thing, and he’s the one who supports us financially. So all the stuff that I do (which is also a lot!), we’re balancing each other out.
Not to say I don’t keep score – I do, in terms of how often he gets to go out and have time to himself (although it’s for work most of the time, hah!), versus me, with barely any.
Alison recently posted..7 Deadly Sins Of Blogging
Oh, that’s a big one too. And right now his tally is WAY higher than mine on that one (and not for work, either).
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
Oh I do get this, Robin.
I’m so glad you’re putting this out there – natural and normal and at least somewhat universal, but once I mentally raised my hand as “guilty” I wanted to stop immediately!
{Really good topic and discussion!}
Galit Breen recently posted..This is Childhood: THREE
That’s partly why I wanted to write about it. Because even though it’s embarrassing and sounds petty, I think it is pretty universal. And talking about it openly makes me aware that I do it, which makes me stop. At least a little.
Robin recently posted..Explore 2013: The First Month
I do this too. Since I stay home, I get the bulk of the household jobs and sometimes feel overwhelmed. But, then I remember that if it weren’t for how hard my husband works outside our home, I couldn’t do what I do.
I find that when I show appreciation toward him for all he does, I get some of that back for what I do. That’s really all I want, to know that what I do matters.
Tara R. recently posted..I’ve got a new gig
I used to keep score all the time but found it exhausting. The only thing I keep score on now, really, is who fills up the gas tank more.
Corinne recently posted..The Redwoods