This school year was supposed to be my year to turn to me.
It was supposed to be the year where I finally, blessedly, finished a massive, years-long volunteer commitment. And finishing was supposed to free me up for what I truly love. Writing, connecting, maybe even discovering if I can excavate that book from my mind.
But instead I picked up more volunteer positions, giving me five or so commitments AGAIN this year.
More time being taken from my writing.
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I stop saying no to volunteer positions? What need am I filling when I get the call and say yes?
Last year, I hired a personal coach and one of her biggest pieces of advice to me?
STOP SAYING YES.
Learning to say this isn’t easy.
And since then, I have! I’ve said no to quite a few additional requests that have come my way.
I did a darned good job saying no to practically everything asked of me this summer. As a matter of fact, I didn’t raise a finger to help out on my child’s swim team, citing 1) being new and 2) having a four-year-old to keep an eye on during meets.
And you want to know something funny? Some of the moms talked about “people like me who didn’t do their part!”
Isn’t that hysterical? That I spend 20-30 hours a week volunteering during the school year, but when I take one summer off, I allow myself to get guilted into feeling inadequate from other parents?
(Hint: This may be one of the reasons I say yes so much.)
Here’s one thing I know: All of these commitments will be manageable. And I will even feel great fulfillment from them.
Especially if I continue to ignore my personal hopes and dreams for writing.
My volunteering has begun to make me feel like I’m not enough when it comes to my personal goals.
But to the people I volunteer for, I am enough. More than enough.
And that used to be enough for ME.
Problem is, it’s not anymore.
And I need to figure out how to change that. I need a better balance.
What do you think I should do?
xo
Missy
I feel like it is all in the communication. How can I say no respectfully? How can I say it in a way that is fair to them and to me?
This is where I have a hard time – knowing, was it respectful enough?
Good point – we shouldn’t say NO! like I have in that picture up there, right?
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
First of all, I totally understand where you’re coming from. And I now understand how easy it is to be roped into these things. I took on a volunteer gig at my son’s school because a friend of mine asked me to my face and I couldn’t say no. At least, not as easily as I could have in an email!
Second, having been a writer for years and years now, I have noticed a difference in how some writers and wanna-be writers perceive themselves. I get paid for most of my writing, yes, but even when it comes to my own writing, I take it seriously. I say, “Sorry, I have to work.” I don’t have to explain or legitimize what TYPE of work I’m doing, or whether it’s paid or not. But if you treat your writing like a hobby, or something you do when you have free time, then other people will too. If it’s important to you, it’s important enough to make time for. Good luck!
Abby recently posted..Preschool Panic
I love how you say that “sorry I have to work.” Because you are right, I look at writing as my hobby and I shouldn’t. THAT, more than anything is what I need to adjust. How I look at myself.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
Seriously, we are kindred spirits. I just had this conversation with my husband over the weekend. He told me that I have to put the “Me” in front of everything for a while and say yes less and no more.
I am trying to scale down and figure out what I want in life without it all being about taking care of everyone else. If I don’t care of myself, I won’t be able to take care of anyone else either.
Kristen recently posted..Body Care Introduction and Giveaway
Right! I don’t mind taking care of others, but it can’t be all of the time. There needs to be a better balance.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
This is an issue that I’ve had to deal with a lot recently. As a substitute teacher looking for full-time work, I often end up volunteering at schools that I’d be interested in working at. The main reason I do this is because I love teaching, and the secondary reason is that I hope to get a paying job out of it at some point. However, even in this scenario, it’s really tough because people don’t place the same value on volunteers.
My stance now is that if you volunteer, you’re saying that your time isn’t worth anything, and you have to expect other people to see it the same way. Subsequently, I volunteer a lot less now.
Jan recently posted..Why do people hate car dealerships?
I didn’t even think of it that way. Thanks for giving me a new perspective!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
I think one of the things you have to come to grips with is that the further you stretch, the less quality you deliver. It’s not intentional. There’s just only so many hours in the day and so much energy in your body. When you start using your reserves, something will give.
Someone like you isn’t going to let people down. It’s not in you. So you will give up the one thing that won’t let anyone down directly – you’ll give up what is just for you. Like your writing.
My thoughts on this are simple – give up a little of the stuff you do on the outside so you can flourish on the inside. Don’t quit everything – helping makes you happy. But give up one or two things so that you can make that time for yourself.
As for those that complain that you’re not doing enough – they don’t get it. Let ‘em go. The folks you do help know the truth.
Leo Soderman recently posted..Day 11 – I’m Gonna Miss That Tablet…
Leo – so good to see you here! And your words – very, very astute. Thank you. Hope all is well.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
This is ingrained in me in maybe a different way. I thought, “Wow, I don’t volunteer at all.” Except I do, with the library, with my MOMS Club board (which I finally stepped away from this year only to be sucked back onto a committee), with A’s school. It’s hard for me to say it, too.
angela recently posted..To Be Sung Underwater Review
Isn’t is fascinating how we read about someone else volunteering and say “they’re doing more than me?” Which is what happened to me this summer with the swim team thing. But then I kept reminding myself, “this is your summer OFF, so take it and enjoy.”
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
I wish I had an answer for you. For years, I’ve donated money instead of time to our favorite charities. This year, with little one attending our local Catholic school, I find myself unable to say no. I get at least one phone call a day, asking me to help in the office, the classroom, the lunchroom, and last Saturday, I helped serve burgers at the Knights of Columbus. I will be interested to watch your progress at finding balance, goodness, I could use some advice!
A phone call a day is A LOT! But, then again, I probably get an email a day or at least a few a week. I hope that I actually progress in finding balance!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
Hehehe. You and me – seriously – your story could be my story (even up to through the summer swimteam). Just SAY NO totally takes on a new meaning as an adult doesn’t it???
Kate F. recently posted..Then and Now – A Tale of Two Moms
This comment made me laugh for a few reasons, Kate!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
I know all about volunteering, being busy, and not being able to live up to who we are supposed to be and who we want to be. I am trying to learn the word “no”… But its easier done than said. Good luck.
Tere recently posted..living up to commitments
It’s so much easier to talk about saying “no” than to actually do it!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
I too have a hard time saying no and am very familiar with the whole guilt thing but mainly with regard to work and family/friends. But I’ve been working really hard to try to figure out who I am and what I want and enjoy as me – outside of being mommy and wife and daughter and sister. It’s hard but I think that it’s so important for us to remember to nurture our own souls. I don’t have the answer for you but am in your corner.
Christine @ Love, Life, Surf recently posted..Memories Captured: Kindergarten
Thanks, Christine. I love how you say that – “remember to nurture our own souls.” Yes, exactly.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
Look what I just found!
Not even looking and this came across my computer…
http://www.psychologytoday.com/collections/201208/together-forever/seven-ways-say-no-and-keep-good-relations
Wow – what a coincidence! Thanks for sharing it! And I love that it comes from Psychology Today!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..When You’re at a Crossroad
This really spoke to me. I don’t do as much volunteer work as other moms – but when I was in the full time work world, I would never say no to anything, even if the request was totally ridiculous. Because I was so afraid of not being liked or god forbid fired for “not doing my part” there – even though I was working 60+ hours a week – and guess what? I burnt out.
I have a really hard time with those moms who complain about other moms not doing their part. We all do what we can – and that means something different for each of us. Good luck finding your balance – and finding that space to write. You will do great!
Ilene recently posted..Boys
Ilene – I have a hard time with that too. Everyone gives at the level they are able to. I’ve tried hard (and sometimes not succeeded) to respect everyone’s choices with volunteering. Because it is a personal choice and shouldn’t be compared to other’s levels. Thanks for the great comment.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
I think every one in life has a calling…something or things you were meant to do…we all contribute to the greater good in different ways…some through art (including writing) and some through direct service and some through stewardship and some through running a or working in business. My hope for the world is that every single person can find what they were meant to do and then go do it, regardless of what that is (and as long as it does not harm someone else obviously). We get so wrapped up in the masks we were and the people we pretend to be instead of just following our hearts. As someone who loves to volunteer and cannot picture a day without it, that is my calling, but I don’t expect it to be yours. This may sound cliche, but follow your heart and you will never be wrong. You do a disservice to the world, even if you are volunteering, if that is not your true voice. We need your true voice. Your daughters need to hear and see your true voice, for that will have a far greater impact on turning them into the women you want them to be than all the volunteering in the world.
Subha – beautiful. But I’m not surprised. I think YOU spoke with your true voice here.
XO
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
Personally, I’d confront a couple of those jerks. If I were in a classy mood, I’d say I was really grateful for the work they did and then give them a minute blow by blow of my busy life.
If I wasn’t, I’d tell them I wouldn’t want to volunteer with self righteous asses like them anyway.
I think the reason you feel guilt is that you fear they are right, that you owe something to these organizations, especially the ones your kids are a part of. I won’t argue the point of whether you do or don’t. It’s a slippery slope either way. But I will say two things. You have already “done your part”. And those women? They aren’t writing. Period.
Jester Queen recently posted..A Modest Proposal (No Babies Will Be Eaten In This Blog Post)
Jessie – I was tempted! But the information came to me second-hand. I trusted the source, but didn’t want to confront someone based on second-hand info.
And yes, you are right – I do fear they are right. But working on my own balance AND boundaries is way more important than that fear right now.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
I think women who have volunteered get taken advantage of. They are always asked and just expected to say yes because they have in the past. I think it’s perfectly acceptable to say that you need to focus on your family or your work or yourself. Or to even say, “I am already volunteering for two (or however many number) things and that’s my limit right now. But thanks for asking.”
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted..We Will Never Forget
I am definitely getting better at saying no, going forward! It’s a work in progress though!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
I think I need to borrow your “no!” sign and tote it around with me. I’m so bad at getting sucked in and appreciate you reinforcing that it is healthy to do so…thanks.
Meredith recently posted..I’ve Got a Witness
The NO sign? Wrote it on my kid’s chalkboard and took a picture! I should print it out and put it above my computer!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
A timely, resonant post! Like you, I’m learning to say no. Actually saying the word has become much easier, yet I still struggle with the guilt and shame that follow. I compare myself mercilessly at times to all the moms at the kids’ school who work full time & volunteer full time. Pursuing my writing goals doesn’t seem as noble or difficult and god knows I love to be a martyr. Here’s my vision: I want to do my part, trust it is enough, and let go of what others think of me. I’m still a work in progress on this! I’d love to hear your updates on this topic!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..How to Give a Maid/Matron of Honor Toast
Your vision:
Here’s my vision: I want to do my part, trust it is enough, and let go of what others think of me.
LOVE it, Mary!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
Shame on those women for judging and trying to guilt you.
Hace you read Jeff Goins new book Wrecked? I think it might be helpful, especially Chapter 7: When You Have to Walk Away.
Praying for wisdom and peace in your decision.
Kim recently posted..Through grateful eyes: a fresh perspective
I’ve never heard of that book, but now I’m intrigued and want to order it! Thanks!
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
Well “no” isn’t a word I know. So I don’t know how to help you find balance. But I thought this might help. You’re writing not only is work and should be treated as such BUT it helps people. So it is work and volunteering at the same time. You are saying YES to you and YES to those you write for and NO to some others. Your writing makes me feel less alone, more normal which truly helps me feel better about myself, helps me get through the day, helps me feel happy. So thank you for volunteering your time to help me.
The Orange Rhino recently posted..A Mom’s Regret
I can’t even tell you how much your words here meant to me. Thank you for being so open and thoughtful with your response. XOXO
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
Missy, it took me a long time to learn that “No” can be a complete sentence. You know when it’s no longer right and you know, like we all do if we listen to ourselves, what it is we need to do. And we have to say no for some yes’s to evolve in our lives.
Barbara recently posted..the clothes on your back
I love that – “we have to say no for some yes’s to evolve.” SO true.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
Just wanted to add one more thing to my other comment and email. Do not underestimate your service to the mom community and readers via your blog and your words. Maybe physically volunteering can be postponed or pared down now and picked back up when you have a little more time.
It took me a long time to learn to say “no” (except to my kids – ha!) but when that answer is backed up with a firm committment to your family and to growing yourself, guilt should never play into it! Hugs to you!
Paula @ Simply Sandwich recently posted..My Story: How I Became a Sandwich
Paula – thank you so much for the emails and other comment. They’ve helped immensely. That’s so funny – I really don’t have trouble saying no to MY kids either – so why in this?
I appreciate your kind words.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Ohio’s New Texting Ban – How to Comply When You’re a Social Media Junkie
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