Photo by Capture DC
I remember sitting down on the stage wondering what had just happened. Had I delivered the reading the way I had practiced? They way our director had suggested? Had I used my earned pauses? Had I gone slow enough?
The hard thing about a reading that is not humorous, and that may actually be a bit sad for some, is that you cannot read your audience while you are reading. There are no giggles or bouts of laughter. You cannot see whether people are clutching for tissues. You cannot tell how you did…other than of course your husband and good friends saying “you did great” and a few emails you get afterwards. It is very hard to know how a reading truly went.
Except you know that, one day, you will see it for yourself because videos are being produced. Videos that you will want to share with all those who could not attend in person.
You wait, excitedly. Nervously, almost like when you took the stage that day, until your face appears and you can see yourself performing your reading.
Well…that day has happened. The Listen To Your Mother videos from the May performances were released recently and I watched. My mind started racing.
Why was I looking down so much? I love to speak publicly, and looking down – not ok.
Then came the “what in hell was going on with my hair?” question. Hadn’t I just gotten it done? The color looks good, but mussing it up like I did gave me bald spots.
Then came the realization that even with serious makeup on there are serious bags under my eyes. Like big puffy bags that resemble air bags in a car.
Then my almost-in-tears (and not because of the content of my reading) eyes noticed the dress that I have since returned (thank you Nordstroms for having such a great return policy) because it felt frumpy. Well yes, it was indeed frumpy.
I could keep going but I would imagine that you get my drift. As I watched myself read a piece that I was incredibly proud of, my enough-ness sank into a quicksand-like abyss, taking me with it.
I had to forcibly push myself away from the computer, before I let myself sink deeper and deeper, finding more and more faults.
The truth was that none of these things were important. What I looked like was not important. I was not there to be a super model. Nor was I there to win an award for best dressed reader. Whether I paused in the correct places or went slow enough…also not important. Sure, certain things may make a reading more engaging, but in the end a pause here or there is not going to be noticed by an audience that is enjoying the entire show as a whole.
What was important was that I was there. That WE were there. Telling our stories. Sharing our voices. Just like we share our voices in this space and around the internet. Connecting, relating, bonding over stories that made us laugh and cry and get goosebumps all at the same time.
In the end I did the only thing I knew would make me feel better. I went through the videos of the entire DC cast to relive the stories that were shared. I watched videos from the New York City cast and the Chicago cast and have since been working my way through each city.
Because at the end of the day, the reason that I auditioned — the reason that I wrote an original piece to read, just like the reason that Just.Be.Enough. was created — it all comes down to one single bottom line. Each of us has a voice worth celebrating. Each of us has a story to share. Each of us… is enough.
xo
Elena
I’m glad you spoke up and were so honest, E.
I’ve been hopping around to as many LTYM videos as I can, and every single once, the reader says, essentially, “forgive my appearance.”
The things is, where they mention “pointy noses, jowly cheeks, bad dye job, ill fitting dress” no one else sees that.
We ONLY HEAR the beauty of the glimpse of what’s in your heart and mind.
What a thrill for us to hear what you are like.
I love what I hear as I listen to the LTYM, but not once have I thought, “oh. my god, purple? Really?”
Not once.
Thank you for this.
You are so right Alexandra! When I watched the videos of others, not once did I do anything but get lost in their words.
I think this message is really going to resonate. First of all, I have heard so many people lamenting their LTYM videos and regretting all sorts of physical choices, yet I don’t see those things when I watch. I hear laughter and tears and empowerment and simply stories.
And I think the complaint goes deeper than the videos. Obviously I don’t have a LTYM video, but this post made me think of the way I duck out of photos sometimes or scour the ones I post or cringe when a friend posts something I haven’t seen/has an unflattering angle/etc.
It’s sad that I (and SO MANY women) are so self-conscious of our looks that we’re ready to shy away from visual representations of our accomplishments. Thank you for sharing this and reminding us all that we are more than our appearance. (Though you are gorgeous my friend.)
Absolutely— I do this with photos as well. Oddly enough I am always excited to see the pictures from an event or special occasion, and then, without fail, I am like a balloon that loses all its air as I see them myself. And thank you- xoxo
Swear to you, watching your video I was so struck by your beauty inside AND out. And the dress looked perfect from the podium. Yes it did.
Thank you cancer, thank you Elena, thank you reminder of being enough. I’m going to meditate on enough today.
Oh my goodness Ann, thank YOU for providing this medium for so many of us to share our voices. What an incredibly powerful experience.
Oh my dear friend, mentor, writer….your video brought me to my knees. I loved your words, loved the way you gave us your story, loved the way you shared. I never ONCE looked at you passed that beautiful face, slight smile, soul on the inside of you shining out.
I did the same thing you did, I thought “wow I read too fast” “why do I sound like Cindy Brady?” etc…but in the end, what I have for my sons and for MYSELF is a permanent reminder of using my own words to tell my story. That is , and always will be, enough.
Love you!!!!
Kir recently posted..Just Be Enough: Listening
for the record–your reading, seeing you bring your words to life, and hearing the audience laugh and giggle as you told the stories about the old women or people that would see you and the boys on the street–i could have hugged you!
I watched your video and YOU are my hero. I thought it was–YOU were wonderful. It made me cry.
Two marathons and a cancer survivor? And a mom who loves as much as you do? You inspire me.
I have a heart valve issue that needs a repair (surgery in my future) and I have four small children. I am thankful for my trial too, but sometimes I feel like I handle it less gracefully than you. I don’t worry, but sometimes I think I feel stressed a lot because I know the surgery is coming and that along with my daily activities as a mom can be overwhelming sometimes.
But that’s why you inspire me because your story (even though I just know a teeny bit of it now) just goes to show what is possible. And I thank you so much for sharing your story–and your talk was amazing.
Love, Caroline
Wow Caroline. Thank you, so very very very much. And I think it is all relative–we each handle our ups and downs so differently…not better or worse, but however we can in that moment.
I have watched a couple of these videos and I’m anxious to watch more. I’m struck by the strength and grace of these women. We never like the way we look or the sound of our voices on tape. But our words make us stunning!
Kathy at kissing the frog recently posted..We Will Never Forget
We are more than the way we look. Fortunately. Hopefully.
idiosyncratic eye recently posted..Real Friends …
Love this.
Sperk* recently posted..10 Songs That Rock
As someone who watched you read your piece live and then was fortunate enough to celebrate with you afterward, I can honestly say that I did not notice your hair or your dress or your complexion or your mannerisms while you were reading. I was just focused on your words. And also how amazing I thought you were for getting up there and sharing your story the way you did. I’m still waffling on whether to even audition for LTYM this year, terrified as I am of public speaking. So, I have a lot of admiration for you for being able to push aside your own insecurities and laying bare your soul.
I’m camera shy, I hate the sound of my own voice, and I pick apart every single photo in which I’ve ever appeared. So, I get it. And I’d probably be doing the same thing you did if it had been me up on that stage. But rest assured, you have nothing to feel self-conscious about, my friend.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..On Girlfriends and Play Dates
We are always our worst critics. I know I am, but its something I am learning to control.
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