You, my special boy, have always been enough for me.
You are the one I can write the most about and yet you are also the one who leaves me with my pen hanging mid air over my paper, unable to find the exact words that fit. The first time you left me speechless like this you were just ten days old; you reached up for my face with your newborn’s hand when you heard my voice. You left me astounded then, and you still do now.
When you were almost two years old, you laid a picture a picture of a tiger you had drawn across my lap. The white paper was complete with an orange creature who had black stripes, bright green eyes, and a swishy tail with the hair tufted at the end. I didn’t even know you could hold a crayon yet.
You’d think I’d have grown unimpressed by your drawings thirteen years later, but your art work still leaves me shaking my head in disbelief of its exquisiteness.
When you were almost two years old, you spelled your seven lettered name out with wooden alphabet train letters. The first and second letters were transposed, but not a single letter was missing. I have a picture. I knew no one would believe me. People still don’t.
When you were almost two years old, you worried my oldest sister when you named all the planets in the solar system while you climbed on the swings at the park. She asked me later that afternoon, “Aren’t you scared he can do all that?” It really wasn’t a question, it was a concern. It meant, “Aren’t you scared that he’s different?” She still doesn’t get you, and I catch her watching you with curiosity.
You’ve never scared me.
You’ve always amazed me.
You are the least like the me I am now, and the most like the me I would have been, if people had let me.
Your needs are clear, direct, and never require guessing.
Your feelings are public, where mine have been tamed into socially acceptable quiet.
You know what you need. The way you have been able to organize all your passions, keet in order in your room, your need to rush upstairs for quiet after you return from a fully scheduled day, your dislike of being hurried. I see you, and I remember all these same feelings about me. And I remember people telling me that I was different, and that I needed to be more like others. What I heard was, “Who you are just isn’t enough.”
I understand you. I did when you were small, and I still do now.
Which is why this picture, this picture, is one I can’t tear my gaze away from.
What is it you’re thinking? Does something make you wonder? Do you ask yourself if you are enough? Do you question if you need to change?
For your birthday last year, I made you your list. A list, complete with all the things that are wonderful about you. I detailed it in the way you detailed that first tiger you brought me when you were two: carefully, and deliberately.
I want you to carry this list with you, fold it up and keep it in your wallet. Always. I want you to open it, smooth the creases out, and read just how more than enough you are, when the times come — as they will — when you question being enough. You are enough, because you are who you were meant to be, and the world demanded your presence in it.
About Elena
My favorite line: ” You are the least like the me I am now, and the most like the me I would have been, if people had let me.”
Thank you for sharing your heart and your son, Alexandra. xo
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I Am
Me, too!! I love that part so much.
angela recently posted..Unsupervised, A Short Play
Thank you, Alison. We’ve talked on my son before, and I know you appreciate what I’m saying here.
Thank you so much.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
Oh, lovely happy beautiful tears.
You & your son are exquisite.
Thank you for sharing this with us.
Roxanne recently posted..Adventures in Online Dating: Part the Second
Roxanne: I can’t tell you how wonderful it is to have you back in the blogging world.
I have missed you. You always seemed to ‘get ‘ me.
xo
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
That was just beautiful. The love you have for your son really shines through. You are both so lucky to have each other.
Kimberly recently posted..Where I’m From
Kimberly, I am so lucky to have him. I see so much of myself in him, and remember how my own family would tell me how I needed to be like others.
I still remember that lonely feeling of not measuring up. I don’t want that for him, ever.
Thank you for stopping here today.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
I am with Alison on my favorite part. You are gifts to each other, truly. I am sure that, in the way mothers do, you feel so blessed and lucky to have him as your son. Yet, he is also so very blessed and lucky to have you as a mother, someone to cheer on and cherish his strengths and to let his “differences” (what a loaded word, aren’t we all so different?) be appreciated as the gifts they are and not diminished or reshaped to fit into what people might “expect”.
angela recently posted..Unsupervised, A Short Play
Differences. Why does the world have a problem with differences? I will never understand the herd mentality of needing everyone to be alike, at the same time, for the same reasons.
It’s wonderful to know someone a bit off the beaten path, isn’t it? They may take a little more work, but we can learn so much from them.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
I love the love that you have for your little boy, and your writing style. “You are the one I can write the most about and yet you are also the one who leaves me with my pen hanging mid air over my paper, unable to find the exact words that fit” – that says exactly how I feel about my daughter, now 15, but I know the words would never come out that way.
Thank you, Brandy. You can write about your daughter, I know you can. Just close your eyes and don’t stop and censor yourself. Just write.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
Thank you all so much for your comments.
I deeply enjoy being a contributor to Just Be Enough.
I’m hoping to theme my contributions here, and I see myself going in the direction of child related.
As a child, I was told verbally and nonverbally how I always fell below the cut.
The feelings generated by that judgment cling to me still.
We’ll see, but yes, I do enjoy visiting here, reading the posts here, and contributing here.
There is no site like it.
Thank you, Elena, and all who visit here.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
I love how you’ve turned something said about – that clearly wasn’t true – into an approach to parenting that is filled with love and acceptance and encouragement. Your boys are so lucky to have you.
Robin | Farewell, Stranger recently posted..Where I’m From
Hey, Robin: thank you so much.
I am the lucky one. Every morning, I feel like I won the lottery when I see my three boys. I pray that I NEVER take being a mother for granted.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
I love the idea of a list. I may steal it. Kids need to know their worth because the world does not just give it to them. They earn it every single day but more often than not there is no one there to tell them they have it and what it is.
Great post.
He loves his list.
He has it tacked up to his closet door, where I see him look at it in private.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
What a beautiful boy – inside and out. He got lucky, having you as a mom – because other parents may have made the mistake of trying to fit him into who/what they wanted him to be. You’ve taken what happened to you, what you allude to when you say you weren’t allowed to be the real you, and instead of being bitter or blindly perpetuating that cycle, you’ve used it as a reminder to allow him to be himself, in all his glory.
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Wellness Wednesday: My Biggest Dream
Thank you, JenB:
He is going to be something, and when I am gone, I want him to hear my words in his ears, when life puts doubt on him.
He is amazing.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
oh, tears!!! Such a beautiful thought. Isn’t it awful how much we see today over how “closed minded” people were (and many still are) over being just a bit different than everyone else? How beautiful is it that you go out of your way to remind him that he is truly enough?! I wish more people were like this.
The Drama Mama recently posted..Spatzle, Bocephus, and the Civil War
Oh, Steph:
We’ve talked, of all the wrong messages we received growing up. How if only we had been different, we’d be more loved, or certain things wouldn’t have happened to us.
I promised myself when I was a little girl, that if I ever had kids, I’d tell them they were perfect the way they are. I remember making that promise.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
you are such a cool mom alexandra…if only there were more like you…
smiles.
brian miller recently posted..The sound of silence
Brian, it’s YOU who are the cool dad, excellent father, awesome husband, and tremendous cyberspace friend.
Thank you.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
Everytime I read you, I feel more connected to you, feeling all those things you feel.
your son is amazing and enough and brilliant. There is no doubt or shame or questioning in that. We are all quirky is on our own wonderful ways and that is what makes the world go round. Plus when I read about him, I see Jacob in him and I know that all his ‘difference” ..his “introspectiveness” is a gift not a crutch or something that will hold him back, but rather propel him ahead and into his own life.
Knowing you know, having you introduced to MY life at this time is a gift, because you are never below the cut for me..you excel in every possible way. The one I love the most: you being My friend. xo
Kir recently posted..Proud Mommy Moments: Kimberly from All Work & No Play Make Mommy Go Something Something
Kir, we can talk forever.
Just email me.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
What a special gift! I need to start taking notes on things JDaniel is doing that I can put on a list. I love the idea that your son can carry this with him.
Oh JDan:
He treasures this list. I see it where he has it tacked up to the inside of his closet door. He reads it.
I see him doing, when he thinks I’m not around.
I have 100 points on it.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
I fall in love with each of your children whenever you write about them. Beautifully written.
Cheryl recently posted..Sometimes a baby cardinal is really a terminally ill friend
Cheryl:
I don’t remember how I met you when I first began blogging, but I am so grateful I did. Thank you
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
Just as important as the list will be to him, I hope he will always appreciate that he has a mother who understands him and appreciates him enough to make the list. Mine sure didn’t. It took many years and lots of hard sole searching to realize I’m worth something. And I still have a hard time holding on that realization. I wonder what I would be like if someone in the family realized…well, they didn’t. So I love you for loving your boys like you do.
Coffeypot recently posted..Idle Thoughts Of A Retiree’s Wandering Mind:
You’re so right.
Hopefully, that old school style of parenting has gone far, far away.
I was raised the same way.
So awful to think children are spoken to like that. Little, little children. By the people he is most to depend on.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
Love this spin on the Be.Enough posts! So many posts -mine included – were reminders to ourselfs to be enough. It is nice to see a post telling some one else they are perfect the way they are and that is enough!
Thank you, and so nice to meet you. Isn’t Just Be Enough the most amazing site and collection of posts?
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
What a lucky boy.
My third son taught me what I call The Greatest Truth: that we are all EXACTLY what God wants us to be. I don’t usually put a link in a comment, but I couldn’t resist showing off my Little Man, who has taught his mama well.
http://theluckymom.com/2011/08/11/happy-birthday-little-man/
Lisha recently posted..Nerd + Nerd = More Nerds
They are so smart, and we can learn SO much from them. Thanks for the link.
Alexandra recently posted..You Are Enough, Child Friendly
Hey there…last night was comforting a sobbing, exhausted, hungry teenage girl who was feeling all sorts of bad about herself…and I ended up doing this in verbal form, just listing off all the millions of things that I admire about her and what nice things other people have said about her. It’s so hard to hold that close when your hormones are a raging hurricane inside…I’m going to write it all down and put it in her hand. Thanks for the inspiration.
Nancy Davis Kho recently posted..My Office Is Not Your Belfry
Nancy:
believe me, she will treasure that list.
I think how I would’ve loved to have had a list like that at age 14, when all I heard was “be more like this.”
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
You’re an amazing mom and what a wonderful gift you are to your son and him to you. This list will carry him far and will get him through the tough times; I’m sure.
Kiddothings recently posted..No.2 Turns Two
I know I would love a list like this now! My whole day has been one HUGE error after another.
Thank you for your kind words here today.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
Your son is a very lucky and blessed child to have a mother like you. I really, really want to be this kind of mom for my daughter.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..So How’d You Meet? Story & Her Guy
Oh, Donut! I am so happy to see you.
You will be wonderful with your daughter, you are a person that feels deeply.
Which can be good a lot of the times,,,and not so good the other times.
You’ll do beautifully.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
Wow – that was so powerful and lovely. There is nothing like a mothers love for her children and while you say you struggle for the words – you wrote this beautifully. Thank you…
Ann recently posted..Tomato Pizza – Light on the Cheese, Heavy on the Flavor!
Oh,. thank you, Ann.
He does love his letter. He keeps it up in his room.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
It has been said many times already…WOW WOW WOW! What a lucky son you have. Lucky because he has you. You are able to put aside societal expectations, embrace who he is and allow him to find his way and how he can manage it. How lucky he is that you give him his space, recognize what he needs and are there to love him for who he is. How lucky he is that his gifts do not scare you, they excite you, you welcome them and they inspire you.How lucky he is that he will have any opportunity he wants because all he ever has to worry about is being him! Just beautiful Alexandra!!! Thank you so very much for sharing it with us!!! -Laverne
Laverne, thank you so much for the time it took to leave such a thoughtful comment.
You remind me of blogging 3 yrs ago, before twitter became the place where ppl talk.
What a wonderful comment. Thank you.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
Oh Alexandra, this is so so beautiful! You are an inspirations to everyone – myself included. Your love oozes out of each words on this post. He will grow up to be a great young man. May I ‘borrow’ your list idea for the future? I heart you! XOXO
Maureen | Tatter Scoops recently posted..More Than Skin Colors
Mo, you will be EXACTLY the type of mother your little guy needs you to be. I can tell that about you.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
This is massively inappropriate, but I’m fairly certain I would have had an unreciprocated crush on your son if my time/space generator had worked back in the day. Funny gay boys and artistic, march to the beat of a different drummer boys, especially those with the soulful eyes. Sorry, about that, but he sounds like a spectacular kid. I want to see the tiger picture! And I bet he’ll keep your list forever…
K A B L O O E Y recently posted..I Hope This One Sticks Around a While
Carrie, not weird at all
I take that as the highest compliment.
He’s even more beautiful in person…his eyes are greenish grey and his eyelashes go on for days.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
Absolutely beautiful and moving. And your love shines so strongly in these words. He is one lucky boy – you are one lucky mom.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Songs That Suck – 1st Edition
Thank you so much, Missy, you are always so lovely to me.
I am the lucky one with this boy. He truly cares about that list.
I’m so happy I did it.
Alexandra recently posted..Without Saying Too Much About Myself, I’m Going To Say Too Much About Myself
Alexandra, every time I read your writing, I learn ever so much more about how to be the mother I want to be.
Your words ground me. They help keep me on track, to re-direct. And focus on the things that are important, rather than little annoyances.
So thank you for making a difference in me – and in our family. You are tremendous!
Mama, Hear Me Roar recently posted..Back on the road
What a good , good woman you are.
Can you send me an email, so we can really get to know each other??
Thank you!!!
Alexandra recently posted..The Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus
This line, “you reached up for my face with your newborn’s hand when you heard my voice.” was where my chills started and they didn’t stop.
This post is incredible.
You are incredible.
Leighann recently posted..Are You Reading?
Oh, honey!!
HE.DID.
My son turned around and gasped.
The same one who was afraid of all he knew when he was 2.
He is gifted: top 2% in the state when he took his ACT’s in the 6th grade.
I’m not afraid of him.
I love him.
Alexandra recently posted..The Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus
Sorry, I mean my SISTER turned around and gasped.
xo
Alexandra recently posted..The Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus
I am going to start writing for my kids on their birthdays. You are brilliant.
YAY, Gwinn!
This makes me SO happy.
My son loves this letter. He keeps it tacked up to the back of his closet door, and I see him reading it every morning while he gets dressed.
I love that.
Alexandra recently posted..The Sacred Bleeding Heart of Jesus
This is a beautiful letter, which will always be treasured, creased and uncreased and smoothed out for children and grandchildren to read and enjoy. As I’ve got older (hopefully wiser) and further along in this mothering journey, I’ve realised that the saddest thing is NOT telling people what they mean to us. And we all do it. We think “Wow, that colour looks good on you!” or “I really appreciate you” but don’t always say it. And writing it is even better. Because it gets to be said again and again… until all the words are remembered. I have a journal for each of my kids, as soon as they are reading and writing (2 have started, 3 still to get theirs), where I write small somethings to them whenever I can. And they reply with their own small somethings – which are usually quite big somethings to me and so often make me cry.
And it works the same way with friends, or even people you meet in an everyday moment. Lifting someone’s heart is what really matters. And so easily done.
Love this post xxx
FennyPenny recently posted..Christianity behind the bars
I am just catching up on my reading and I am in tears reading this! What beautiful post about your son. The world is so ready to make our children conform to its standards instead of appreciating the beauty and knowledge that the have within. Thank you for this post! My son had learning differences and I think I am going to make a list for him to keep in his wallet.