“When you become a parent you forfeit the right to self-destruct.”
~ Dr. Robin on Oprah
Confession: I don’t actually know who Dr. Robin is, other than one of those Oprah doctor people. (Cool name, though.) But I read a recent post of Heather’s on The Extraordinary Ordinary and those words stuck with me.
Heather’s post wasn’t really about that — self-destructing, that is — though I’ll bet she would have some really eloquent thoughts on the subject. I do have thoughts, though probably not eloquent, and I’m interested in hearing what you think, so that’s what this post is about.
One of the reasons I haven’t decided what I think about this is that I struggle with the definition of “self-destruct.” I almost did, I thought. Or did I?
Is struggling with something like postpartum depression to the point where you’re off work, medicated, and not really taking on any of the familial responsibilities self-destructing? It felt like that to me, although I suppose one could argue that PPD is an illness and not something I brought on myself.
But then what is self-destruction? Addiction? That can be considered an illness too. If you jump out of an airplane and your parachute fails, is that self-destruction? What about being a workaholic? A smoker? A self-centred narcissist, maybe?
Clearly I don’t know.
My first, from-the-gut instinct is that yes, you do give up the right to self-destruct when you become a parent. But we’re only human. Things happen, we make bad choices, we’re not always as healthy as we can be.
So what obligation do we have to our children?
I know that after my experience I pay attention to my own mental health more. I know I need time to myself and I need to better balance responsibilities with my husband, so I make sure to do that, with his support.
I pay attention to my reactions, and when I get too close to that line where patience is thin and my voice is sharp, I take a deep breath.
I ask for help more.
I try to get enough sleep, because I know that makes a difference for me.
I used to think being a mother meant giving up everything for my child. Putting his needs first, always, and not acknowledging my own. But now I know that’s not it, because in doing that I did almost self-destruct. And as much as I want to avoid ever feeling like that again, my main motivation now is my son. I need to be well, and I do feel that with him in my life I gave up the right to be anything but.
xo
Robin
I think you do forgo the right to self-destruction.
But speaking from experience, a minor self-destructive day or two should be scheduled in so that there isn’t the pressure build up which would lead to the “big one”.
Lattejunkie recently posted..Inspiration Weekly – Fire
So true. I’ve learned that from experience as well.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety
Looking after yourself is a way of looking after your kids, because they need you. So never feel bad about caring for yourself.
my honest answer recently posted..When do you have a right to know about, or to tell people about, a secret child?
I love that this comes from “my honest answer.”
I think it’s a good one.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety
I think puting ALL of your child’s needs before your own IS a sort of self destruction. I think being a parent means putting your child’s overall well being before your own, not necessarily sacrificing yourself for him/her. The best thing for a child is a well-balanced parent, which sometimes means being a little “selfish” and taking care of ourselves.
I think you’re right. Of course the other way to look at self-destruction is losing your sense of self and your pre-child identity. And in that sense I think, while not an obligation, we certainly do need to be an example of how to be good to yourself, which includes having our own interests and pursuits.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety
I agree that you do give up the right to self destruct when you become a parent. I personally made the decision to start dealing with my own childhood issues that have become “adult issues”. I am being kind to myself and taking the time to heal so that I am able to be a better mother, wife and person. My daughter deserves nothing less than a happy, healthy, confident mommy. I deserve it, too.
I think that’s a great example not only of not self-destructing but of taking an extra step for your kids’ well-being. Good for you.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety
Let me begin by saying that I’m not sure anyone with a family really has a “right” to self-destruct. Self-destruction leaves so much, well, destruction in its wake.
Maybe the truth is that you give up your right to say, “I’m sick and that’s just how I am. I don’t want the cure.”
Other commenters are telling you that you need to take care of yourself in order to take care of your children. The fundamental truth of having a family is that there is no true conflict between your needs and your child’s (or other family member’s). There is no win-lose. Only win-win and lose-lose. In her book, “The Gifts of Imperfection,” Brene Brown points out that you cannot love someone else more than you love yourself. If you do not show yourself love, you will not have the resources you need to truly show love to your son.
SleeplessinSummerville recently posted..Today I’m Feeling
Love that perspective. I think that’s it exactly.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety
I have 3 babies under age 2, so I have some really difficult days. Luckily, my husband is EXTREMELY understanding and helpful, and sometimes I crack, which might mean banging my hands on a wall, running outside for fresh air, or hiding somewhere and screaming. And I get it out. And I move on, until the next time. I don’t smoke or drink, so I feel like if this is the worst I do, and I’m far enough away from my kids, it should be okay. I have bad days, whiny days, cranky days, and I try my best not to let it affect the babies, but I can’t stuff it, I can’t put it away, and I can’t let it go. But I also don’t think it constitutes self-destruction. We’re still human and we have to experience our emotions as well.
Stephanie recently posted..Devolving Friendships and Other Consequences of Having a Family
That sounds tough, but I’m so glad you have support.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety
My little brother recently walked away from his wife and two young sons, ages 3 and 18 months. He turned back to drugs, which is something he’s struggled with his entire adult life – pot that we know of, and possibly other kinds as well judging from his erratic behavior. He had an affair with a girl – not woman, girl – 14 years younger than him. He claims it was “just emotional,” but I don’t believe him. He was fired from his job. He lashes out at anyone and everyone who attempts to reach out to him and even told my parents they were dead to him. And he has, at his lowest of lows, emotionally manipulated his oldest son and used both kids as pawns in his emotional vendetta against his wife. In the end, I would not be at all surprised if he winds up in jail, homeless, or dead.
That, to me, defines self-destruction.
Everyone has their demons. But if you’ve got the best interest of your children and family at heart, then you’re doing OK in my book.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..A Case Study in Male Futility
Wow, Kristin, that’s so hard. Must be horrible to watch. That’s the sort of thing I was thinking about. I don’t know if he has mental health issues or anything, but with that sort of thing I really do think we have a responsibility to get ourselves sorted out. I hope he does, for everyone’s sake.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety
I hope for his sake and his boys’ that he gets his act together. But I’m so angry with him. So, so angry. He does have some emotional health issues, but then so do I. The difference between is that I manage mine, whereas he blames everyone around him for his. I have a hard time not judging that.
Kristin @ What She Said recently posted..Then and Now
Perfect perspective, Robin. I think we give up the right to not be responsible, to take risks that are unhealthy. But self care is key. Put on your own oxygen mask first.
Natalie @mamatrack recently posted..Peace, at Home Depot
Yep. I think the interesting thing is that everyone defines risk differently, but I think you’re right that we have to find the right balance.
Robin recently posted..A is for Anxiety