My newly two year old son is screaming around his pacifier, standing behind his closed door. He pounds on it with fists that are each holding a lovey.
I open the door and he is instantly silenced, arms outstretched. I pick him up and we settle back into the glider for the third time, rocking in the dark. I don’t sing this time, just rock and think.
I think about the new website I’ve been building that is already dusty, full of “coming soon”. I think about the unfinished writing. The clean laundry wrinkling in a heap. The DVR queue still full. The jobs for which I should apply.
Every night for months, I’ve undergone this battle.
Every night, at some point I let it go. I rock and think, smelling his hair, looking at his chubby feet and recognizing how quickly my sweet boy is getting too long to comfortably lay in my lap.
And so I’ll rock – and for once remember: This crowding of time and falling of priorities isn’t always because of I’m losing myself. It’s because this is simply the largest part of who I am right now.
I’m sure by the time that sinks in, he’ll be asking me to drop him off a block away from school.
Tonight, this room, this boy and me, rocking, is more than enough.
xo
Tracy
This is beautiful Tracy. I sometimes feel like this
And sometimes not. It depends how many times I’ve already gone in there on a particular night. And I say that knowing you can understand the sleep resistance issues!
angela recently posted..Maybe I Need a Camp
I’m with you, Angela. I’m just as likely to want to broadcast “Go the F* to Sleep” as I am to want to cuddle and rock. We just do what we can.
I swear it’s just in the past two weeks that he’s suddenly too long to comfortably curl up on me at night. Sad mama!
ChiMomWriter recently posted..Battle of the Muffin Top
Ooooh, I love this … I’ve been so caught up in to dos and pressure to move faster that I’ve forgotten to rock and breathe in my daughters’ wonder and essence. I want this for me. Well done, Mama!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..Top Ten Lessons From My Newly Minted Four Year Old
Thanks, Mary! It’s so easy to get caught up in the lists (especially when we have to get so much done at night when the kids are SUPPOSED to be sleeping!) Have a wonderful weekend!
ChiMomWriter recently posted..Battle of the Muffin Top
I am relishing in my “rocks” lately… my third and youngest (and most likely last) child grows WAY faster then I remember my older two growing. It’s good at some point you let it go – because you have so much more when you allow yourself to let the guilt go and just live the way you need to in that moment, at this time. Great post Tracy.
Kate F. (@katefineske) recently posted..Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Run-and-Hyde
I’m with you, Kate! The baby of the family grows most quickly (no matter how much we fight it). Let’s hope we both have a slow and relaxing summer… That’ll happen, right?
ChiMomWriter recently posted..Battle of the Muffin Top