When my daughter was three years old, I found out that my husband (the love of my life, who was as perfect as a man could ever be in my eyes) was cheating on me. With more than one woman. It shook the foundations of my world, shattered my hopes and dreams, and altered the way I see my husband and my marriage forever.
But I’m not here to talk about the anger, the pain of betrayal, the loss of trust, or the heartbreak that the affairs caused. Instead, I’d like to address the consequences of my husband’s infidelity on my self-esteem. Because when your spouse commits adultery, you could be the most confident, competent, physically attractive, graceful woman, and still feel like the sh*ttiest thing on the planet.
Those self-doubts remained long after the initial shock and animosity wore off.
As my mind tried to make sense of what drove my husband to stray from our marriage, I knew logically there was no one simple explanation for what he’s done. But I’d be lying if I told you it didn’t make me scrutinize every inch of my face, every flaw and imperfection (real or imaginary) a potential source for a nervous breakdown. I looked at my body in the mirror and criticized every part, more than once thinking, “If only I were [younger/sexier/thinner/...fill in the blanks...] then my husband wouldn’t have done what he did.”
Of course the reality is not as clear-cut; it is one that cannot be solved simply by altering one’s physical appearance. But women are bombarded on a daily basis by all the images, ads, and media that often conform to the fashion world’s or Hollywood’s standards. It really is not that difficult to feel insecure about our looks and how it affects our self-image. Not always ideal, but we often measure ourselves by way of comparison.
And boy, there’s nothing like having one’s husband cheat with another woman to bring all those self-doubts flooding back.
At first, the overwhelming anger and the pain of betrayal surpassed any other emotions. It’s when the rage had somewhat calmed down that I struggled. When I failed to make some sense out of what my husband had done, it was easy to start blaming myself and my shortcomings as the reason why he did what he did. If there was any doubt before that I wasn’t good enough, my husband’s affairs made those self-doubts much more real and brought a lot of past insecurities back to the surface.
I haven’t met a woman who did not at least question her physical attractiveness in light of her husband’s infidelity. I truly feel that as women, we place importance on beauty far more than we’d like to admit and it often confuses the way we value ourselves. It actually wouldn’t have mattered how beautiful the other woman is, or we ourselves are. Such comparisons only lead to self-hatred and crush our already bruised egos.
The truth is, regardless of whether or not I had a role in causing my husband to commit adultery, he had a choice to NOT do it.
We all know there’s no such thing as a perfect marriage, and the current stats on men cheating (you need only to Google it) are at an all-time high. Yet, there exists that percentage of men who do NOT cheat. And as long as there is still that percentage of men who remain faithful to their wives regardless of their imperfect marriage, those who cheat are responsible for their own action. No amount of beauty, poise, or grace can guarantee a faithful husband nor stop them from making the wrong choice.
Blaming myself or believing myself unworthy because my husband cheated is a moot point, really.
While it’s never a bad thing to want to improve the way we look, especially if it involves taking up healthier habits such as exercising regularly or treating our body with more care, it’s important to remind ourselves that we’re doing it for ourselves instead of being driven by self-doubts. And if it’s the relationship that needs a make-over, then make the efforts to improve your marriage without demeaning your worth.
Easier said than done, but just as I need to constantly remind myself, I would like you to remember that even if you are far from perfect, you are more than enough.
xo
Sweaty
dear beautiful inside and outside Sweaty:
As my therapist from years and lifetimes ago told me: you could be the most beautifully perfect woman in the world, and a cheater would cheat.
That’s what cheaters do: cheat.
Nothing to do with you, or what you did: it’s what they do. That’s why they’re called cheaters.
That piece of advice from her set my self doubt on a raft down a quickly flowing river.
It wasn’t me…it was the CHEATER. The Cheat. That’s his name.
So sorry you had to go through this..it’s awful.
xo
Alexandra recently posted..Icky People Go Away, Don’t They?
Your comments are always of value to me, my friend. I hope more women read your words because they are extremely powerful. We women tend to blame ourselves first and foremost when things go wrong in our marriages and relationships; heck, we even blame ourselves when our children gets sick sometimes.
Women need to see and get it into their heads that if for one reason or another our spouses are not content with the marriage, it doesn’t give them a free pass to have an affair. Just like we don’t just kill someone because we don’t like them, right? (I hope that’s a good analogy
. And for sure it’s even crazier if we held the victim responsible for having made someone else pissed enough to kill them? Sadly, when it comes to women and their marriages, that’s exactly what we do.
Thank you for reading this post, for your continuous friendship and support, and for giving back so much by way of your wisdom.
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
I need to keep reminding myself of that constantly…I am more than enough. Life has been super challenging lately, and I do keep forgetting that. Thank you for sharing this … this very resonant post… today. I needed this very much. And ((((hugs)))) to you, dear Sweaty.
XLMIC recently posted..Challenges…and a Virtual Race
I wish you were to tell me earlier, my Einstein friend, so I can give you tons of cheering and hugs! I hope that whatever it is you’re going through lately, you’ll remember not to lose yourself and sense of worth in the process, ok? I’m telling you this straight from the heart: I think you’re a great friend, a beautiful woman with a rockin’ body (Einstein hair aside, that is. But hey, I remembered seeing a picture of you sans Einstein hair, and you looked ah-mayh-zing!), and funny to boot! Don’t let any circumstances tell you otherwise.
{{HUGS}}
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
Alexandra said it right. Sorry you went through this Sweaty.
my honest answer recently posted..A secret advertising campaign. Oxymoron, anyone?
Thank you, friend
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
I’m sorry you had to go through this to realize you are enough. I think it’s really wonderful you are sharing your message with others.
Desiree recently posted..My Tribute to Dr. Seuss
Thank you for your kind words and for reading my post, Desiree
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
I can only imagine the intense mirror in which you must have scrutinized yourself
I think it’s important to know, and for all women to know that his cheating was about HIS flaws and his HIS shortcomings, not yours. No matter what the problems in the marriage, cheating is an action, and an action is the responsibility of the one doing it, no matter what the motivation behind it. You said it best when you said there is always a choice.
angela recently posted..When Safety Trumps Second Chances
What you said here, Angela, was spot on: “cheating is an action, and an action is the responsibility of the one doing it…” I think women AND men all over need to realize that. Powerful!
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
While I have not gone through all that you have gone through –this post touched me as all of your from the heart posts do, Sweaty. You are beautiful inside and out and it shines through. What your ex did had nothing to do with you and I think when you look deep in your heart of hearts you know that . But the getting there and self doubt creep in. Of course they would. How else are you able to explain why he did what he did to you? You are strong and you are wonderful and your bravery does not stop. I am amazed that you are able to write so eloquently on such a hard topic and I know that your words are helping so many other women who are not quite where you are yet–you are in short, amazing. Thank you.
Beth Ann Chiles recently posted..Teapot Tuesday with a Hint of China
So very sweet of you, Beth Ann. Thank you for your kind and encouraging words. Even though we’re the only ones who can convince ourselves that we are enough, such validation from a friend like you goes a long way. I am still far from where I’d like to be, but it IS a journey. Some days will be harder than others, but just like our bodies, we need to exercise our mind in believing that we are enough
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
This post is just what I needed to read tonight.
I can relate to every dots you wrote here, Sweety. Thank you so much for the reminder that it wasn’t all my fault. When my ex cheated on me the first time – that I found out during the last 2 years of the marriage – I fell into a depression. Than the final blow was to see him with someone who can’t even write a sentence in English and not quite beautiful by the normal standard? Yeah, it damaged me to this very day I fear but I am moving on…I am learning to love me for me and to do what I WANT to feel good about myself. Thank you again for this post. Sending you a big big hug from across the pond!
Maureen | Tatter Scoops recently posted..Tagging Killer
Ah, dear friend, I’m so sorry that you knew all too well the feelings I described above. I’m glad that my post resonates with you, and I truly hope that it’ll renew your motivation to move forward and live life to the fullest in spite of what happened.
It’s natural for us to try to make some sense out of what our spouse had done, as a way to justify his action. But more often than not, when we don’t find the exact answers that we want, we turn and blame ourselves. It’s almost as if by blaming ourselves, we now at least have some sort of explanation for what happened. Unfortunately, the mind is fickle, and the self-blaming doesn’t end there. Once it strikes, it spreads quickly like wildfire, and before long, we’d find ourselves drowning in an endless downward spiral.
We’ve got to stop this kind of thought patterns before it destroys us. As Alexandra said in her comment, “you could be the most beautiful woman, yet a cheater would still cheat. It’s what they do. That’s why they’re called cheaters.” We might ‘know’ this already in our heads, but we must also ‘believe’ this in our hearts. It’s got nothing to do with us. Nothing.
Sending you much love and a warm big hug!
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
Ah my dear sweet Sweaty, what a silly, foolish man your husband is/was. He is responsible for his own actions, he made a horrible choice and now he must live with those consequences. Sadly, so much you but don’t let his horrible choice make you feel anythiing less than the amazing person that you are.
Beauty is not how a person looks on the outside, contrary to what the media would like us to think. Beauty comes from the heart . . . if we are kind, compassionate, treat others with respect and love then we are truly beautiful. By that definition you are truly a beautiful person sweet Sweaty.
Jenn@Fox in the City recently posted..How do You Define Womanhood
Every woman needs to hear those words, Jenn. It’s food for the soul. Thank you so much for your sweet, kind words.
As Jenna (Frelle at Made More Beautiful) and also Kir (the Kir Corner) mentioned in their posts, this quote: ““When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something’s suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful.” ~Barbara Bloom
I think it couldn’t be more perfectly put
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
Wow. Wow. Wow. I love the last line. Chills. And ditto to what Alexandra said – Cheaters cheat. That’s what they do. Cads.
But I understand the self-doubt – I’m sure I would have it too. Keep writing it out, Sweaty. You. ARE. Enough. (More than.)
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..Hey! It’s OK! Tuesday
Thanks, dear Missy! What I love about writing a JBE post is that not only we can help others through our writing, we also help ourselves by writing out our feelings and experiences. We’re exercising our minds and reminding ourselves of what we believe in: that we are enough.
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
As someone who just went through this thing for 7 years, I totally understand. I went into counseling to come to the conclusion that it was NOT me. It was his choice. We need to stop blaming ourselves for the actions of others. After forgiving many times, my husband finally left. With that came a lot of light on the matter. I discovered it was a problem he has had in many relationships. The truth is, some people just don’t want to grow up.
Gena Morris recently posted..Tuesday Tunes: I look so good without you
Dear Gena, knowing that a fellow survivor could relate to my story keeps me motivated. However, what makes me happier is that you’ve come out of the whole ordeal a wiser woman who is confident of her own worth.
Thank you so much for stopping by to read my post.
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
Yes! I believe it can be done and whether we choose to stay in the relationship or leave it, we have to have that confidence back.
Gena Morris recently posted..Tuesday Tunes: I look so good without you
Basing self-worth and personal value on someone else’s actions is ultimately pointless – difficult not to do, definitely, but pointless. Because like you said, a person’s value is determined only by their own actions.
I commend you for coming to that conclusion, Sweaty. It’s not an easy one, either. I think because women are the ones who take care of everyone else, it’s sort of natural for us to want to fix things and analyze situations for a solution. But that’s not really the issue. It can’t just be up to one person to fix everything; the other person has to meet them halfway. That’s the only way any kind of relationship will work, right?
Brandi recently posted..You know you need a graphic designer when…
As always, you nailed it with your comment, Brandi! I couldn’t have said it any better. So, so true.
It’s an evil cycle that we must break, believing that we are responsible for our spouse’s actions.
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
I’ve been subscribing to Just.Be.Enough for a while now and I will skim the posts, but sometimes they just don’t quite resonate with me, even though I completely agree with the message. However, when I saw today’s subject, I knew I WOULD BE ABLE TO RELATE. I have been there too. For me I stopped looking in the mirror and judging myself a long time ago. It wasn’t about my appearance that made me question myself and why my husband might have cheated on me…it was JUST ME. Why was I not good enough? That’s a lot to take in and overcome. Fortunately we have and even though we have only been married for 4 years, we are so much stronger because of it. Sure, there are still the question marks, deception and betrayal do that to you. There is no way someone can ever say, well you just have not forgiven him if you still have those feelings. WE ARE HUMAN! I have an incredible husband and because of the lost trust 3 years ago, it uncovered other issues neither of us ever realized were there. Don’t get me wrong…I COMPLETELY TRUST my husband, however having questions about things and asking the tough questions are part of our lives. Thank you for your post Sweaty, I know we are not alone. I hope someday I will be able to write anonymously about my journey with my marriage in hopes it will encourage someone.
Leah aka FFPMaMMa recently posted..Welcome to my new diggs! We’ve got some visitors today from SITS too!
Dear Leah, thank you so much for sharing your story here with us. At the same time that I’m glad my post resonates with others, it’s a bittersweet feeling because I’m also sad that yet another woman had to go through such an experience.
What I do celebrate though, is that you came out of the experience a much better person, and in your case, your marriage too. That you’re able to grow and flourish despite of what your husband did. Let me tell you, dear friend, it takes courage, a big heart, self-awareness and maturity to be able to do that. And you did it.
I truly believe that realizing our self-worth, knowing in our hearts that we are ENOUGH, will help us get through whatever it is that we need to overcome. You are always welcomed to share your journey with us here at JBE. I have no doubts that your story would inspire and encourage other women, and bring even more awareness towards what it takes to survive adultery.
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
So ironic I was just thinking about this last night. It does make you question everything. I just wish my husband could be in my head to see exactly what this does to women when it happens. I am thankful though for forgiveness. It has done wonders for my self-esteem.
Oh dearie, yes, wouldn’t that be nice?
Hm, although I’m not sure that even if they ‘see,’ they’ll stop cheating.
Ideally, your spouse should be responsible enough to know the consequences of his action. I’ve learned though, that ultimately, what matters most is that you believe you are good enough. The last thing you should allow to happen is for it to destroy your sense of self.
I actually believe that’s what allows one to be able to forgive. You can’t forgive if you still blame yourself for what happens. But when you realize your own worth, regardless of what happens to the marriage, you would see it as it is: that your spouse is responsible for his own action. Forgiveness happens when you make that conscious decision to not let HIS action destroy you.
Thank you for stopping by, friend. I’m glad to meet another survivor! xx
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
Agh… Alexandra is so right: he’s a right foul git! I digress….
But you! You I am so proud of, my beautiful friend! I’ve said it before and will say it again….it’s a privilege to be on this journey with you; witnessing your amazing, new found strength. You raise us all up with your encouraging words.
RoryBore recently posted..Tuesday Coffee Chat: Confessions
Les, I know I can always count on you to cheer me up! Your words are so, so kind. Thank you, dear friend. It is an honor and a blessing to have you as a friend in my journey!
{BIG HUGS}
This is a brave post and I am proud of you for writing it. It is so true that when others hurt us, victimize us, we look to ourselves as the reason for it happening. It is difficult to recover and move from having the self-talk of this happened ‘because of me’, to, ‘this happened to me’. And then to, this happened and I survived, learned, and can share my story with others, so they too can heal. Much love to you, Sweaty.
Kimberly S. (Sperk*) recently posted..Dan Patrick Crushed My Morale
Ah Kim, that brilliant mind of yours is always so quick and sharp in grasping the gist of things! And that’s not all, you’ve always communicated it so effectively.
Yes, you’ve put it into perspective so perfectly with your comment, dear friend. Thank you, as always, for reading my post. It’s always a pleasure exchanging thoughts with you!
xx
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
Wow is the first word that comes to mind. It took a whole gob of courage to write this, no doubt. I fully understand the impact on a woman and even the strongest would be slammed to the ground by an unfaithful husband. In the back of my mind as I read this, I kept thinking…it’s him, his shortcomings, not you! Moving forward one small step at a time because it was him.
Gina recently posted..Things I’ve Learned From Nevis-SOC
Gosh, thank you SO much for your generous comment, Gina! It’s a funny thing, our minds… it’s so easy to blame ourselves in such situation, and yet many of us are ashamed to admit it to others. It’s easy to talk about how shocked and angry I got when I first found out about my husband’s infidelity. It’s very hard to admit that I blamed myself for what happened and what his cheating did to my self-esteem.
I hope that my post would give those readers to whom such experience is no stranger, a validation for their feeling–that yes, we are not alone in feeling this way. At the same time, to remind and encourage myself and others to regain our sense of self-worth and see ourselves as enough.
Sweaty recently posted..A Personal One
My sweet friend
This is perfectly honest.
My heart aches for the pain you went through. I am so proud of you for writing this and helping other women with their struggle.
You are a fighter!!
Leighann recently posted..Ignorance out of Fear
Sweaty…I have mixed feelings at reading this post. … I’m so sorry you went through this. smh…”even if you are far from perfect, you are more than enough.” that is true though …
I also feel guilty … if you’ve read ma last couple o posts you’d know. :/
But I’m real happy you know that it’s no indictment on you, that he cheated.
Tomekha recently posted..Ideas Worth Sharing…
I have not dealt with this personally but I know how wrapped up I can get when thinking about the women he had before me. That in itself is enough to rock me to my insecure self. This. This is much more than that and it makes my heart hurt for you. You will be the better person, are the better person.
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