You are beautiful.
I say these words to my teenager and the reply is always:
“You’re my mother; you are supposed to say that.”
But I don’t HAVE to say it. I say it because it’s true. I say it because I mean it.
It is important that my daughter hear those words, embrace them and believe them.
When my little girl was born, the World Wide Web was just in the infant stage as well. We did not have the internet to go to for a quick Google, or blogs to read for advice, so the best way to get information on being a new parent was through books, magazines and sometimes frantic calls to family.
I read and re-read everything I could get my eyes on, because I wanted so much to be a good mom. Back then, the “experts” on the morning news, and those in magazines, were high on the advice to raise “smart, independent girls, without the Barbies.” Little girls did not need to hear they were pretty to validate who they were, we were told, and we as mothers should not coo “you are so pretty,” but rather “you are so smart.” Leave beauty out of it and your little girl will grow up a confident, strong and intelligent woman who will go far with those qualities, rather than leaning on being beautiful to get through life.
Did these people have teenagers when giving this advice? I don’t think so.
As outside influences (school) came into play, comparisons began to be made with other girls and we started hearing questions: “Do I look fat? How is my hair? How does this outfit look?” No matter how many times I say “No,” “You look pretty,” or “You look nice,” I continued to get the eye roll. I know every teenager goes through this stage, but it seems that nowadays the stage is at the extreme.
Now, looking back 16 years later?
I feel I did a disservice to my daughter. I should have whispered “You are pretty and smart” every single day. I mean, I did tell her this, but I don’t think I told her enough. We as woman want to hear that and I think it is something every girl needs to hear growing up. It will not take away from the other qualities if you tell your daughter she is pretty before smart, kind, or funny. My daughter was born as independent as independent comes. Strong willed? Yes, we had that covered. Smart? You bet. We always say she would make an excellent lawyer with her arguing skills. She is kind and funny too. Pretty? It does not come close. She is gorgeous. But I don’t think she believes that. Not yet anyway.
I can’t help but think that if I had ditched the “expert” advice and showered my little girl with more “pretty” her outlook would be a bit more self-accepting. I have no answer to that because I will never know. I cannot get time back. My only hope is I did enough for her to someday see and believe how beautiful she is, both inside and out.
xo
Kelly
Kelly, I am going to look to you for so much advice during my journey around these parental land mines. I want Abbey to feel smart. And beautiful. And kind and compassionate and a million other things. I hope I can find a balance that helps her see value in all of her qualities, all of the millions of things that make up her unique little self.
Oh, Angela….I am confident that Abbey will grow up knowing all of those things, because you will make sure of it. I am always here for any questions- and the answers that I seek through the teen years will most definitely be shared! It’s tough!
I actually nicknamed my daughter “Beauty” and tell her all the time that she is beautiful on the inside and on the outside. I think it is innate to want to be beautiful and ignoring that when your kids are young is a disservice. So I will definitely tell her she is beautiful as well as smart, creative, and all her other wonderful qualities
Denise recently posted..Just One of the Girls
I love that you nicknamed your daughter Beauty! I think you are right-as girls and as women, we want to hear that we are pretty as well as smart, kind, etc. 15 years ago as a new parent, it was all the black and white development toys and Barbie-esque dolls that were not fashion plates, but looked and dressed ready for the office. Not that that is a bad thing, but it just seemed more geared toward the woman’s movement than feelings and self-esteem.
I did tell my daughter she was pretty, I just wish I told her MORE.
Sure she is just like her Mama, lovely inside and out!
Its important to build our daughters self esteem, and there is no harm in telling then they are pretty and smart. They should take care of their outer as well as their inner and that they should nurture their mind, body and souls.
Beautiful words from one of God’s pretty girls – yes, inside and out!
By Word of Mouth Musings recently posted..Pie. Thankful Thursday. One Week til Turkey Day!
I could not agree with you more…that there is no harm in telling our daughters they are pretty and smart! I just hope I told her enough, because she is.
Beautiful, inside and out.
Oh the struggles parents face.
We want our children to have a strong sense of self and live themselves!
What a thought provoking post.
Leighann recently posted..I Love You HARD
Thank you Leighann! I guess one thing about being a parent for 16 years gives a little bit of perspective. I see now in real time the outcome of years ago. Like our kids love to read…this being we were constantly reading to them. When someone would toddle with a book in hand, we always stopped sat and read a story. Even in the most crazy of times…and now it shows.
So, looking back, I know I did tell her she was pretty, just wonder if I said it MORE, if she would believe it NOW. Ya know?
I don’t have a daughter yet, but I think the questions at work here are relevant to both boys and girls. I constantly tell my son how cute he is. And he is. And I wonder if by doing so I’m subtly teaching him to buy into the culture that confuses physical attractiveness with virtue. Hear me out here. I majored in Psychology in college and learned about all the research that shows that we naturally believe that people who are attractive are smart, witty, kind and capable, whereas we think people who are unattractive are unintelligent, incompetent, dull and unkind. I was young enough (and attractive enough) to understand what was going on when people assumed I could perform at things I knew little about or told me how nice I was when I knew that few people who knew me would describe me that way.
So I worry when I tell my son he’s cute that I’m teaching him that his value as a person rests on what he looks like and not on how he behaves. I understand where you are coming from and hope this isn’t too irrelevant. Teenagers have mental handicaps all their own. When they look in a mirror, all of their flaws are magnified. They believe others can see this ugly image that they see themselves, this not-good-enough image. They believe that they are being constantly and harshly scrutinized by others whenever they leave the house. I suspect your daughter would struggle with feeling beautiful enough no matter what you said when she was five.
I would agree with you that this is relevant to both boys and girls, because it has to do with feelings, right? I think it totally ok to tell your son he is cute- this having no bearing on his value. The person he is inside is influenced by your beliefs and values. Teens do have that perspective for sure…and I hope you are right.
This is definitely a thought provoking post. This line is a hard one. When my daughter (now 11) was small, I used to stop in her room and retuck her in before I went to bed, always whispering “You are so beautiful, so smart, and so much fun.” She had a healthy sense of self-esteem as she grew, that I see even goes with her today, but sometimes I wonder if I did it too much because some days? Her sense of ego is way above and beyond. But that’s what makes her special, you know? I think it is important to remind our daughters they are beautiful, and at the same time instill the beauty starts within character too. Both can be done. It’s not easy, and yeah, we will struggle, because we have to let them fall once in awhile, but, we do the best we can, and that is definitely enough.
The Drama Mama recently posted..Straight from the Kitchen: Garlic Cheddar Chicken
Thank you. Yes, I did tell her she was pretty…however, sometimes that came after the smart and fun and kind. Not that it was bad that way…but I wonder if I placed it first if it would be a little more believable now.
Meh. I think you did just fine.
The Drama Mama recently posted..Blessed
I think that the most important thing with our kids is to not just focus on saying that they are pretty, beautiful, cute, etc. I see nothing wrong with telling your kids that they are cute, pretty or beautiful. I always tell my daughter that she is beautiful and my son that he is handsome. I ALSO always tell them how smart they are and how proud that I am of both of them. I think that it is important to let them know that they are beautiful inside and out as well as how smart they are!
Jayme (The Random Blogette) recently posted..Proud & Not So Proud Mommy Moments
You are right, all of those things are important….and you touched on one very key thing to tell our kids….that we are PROUD of them, no matter what. Do not get me wrong- my kids have grown up to be great young adults…they are confident and kind and funny and smart. Handsome and pretty. Teens are so hard on themselves to begin with….I was just wondering “out loud” if I had done enough back then…
Kelly I am not raising girls…but here’s what I will tell you (admit) …you are RIGHT. I remember my mom telling me I was pretty more times than I remeber her telling me I was smart…let me be clear she said both..but it was her saying u are pretty that made me happier. I could prove I was smart….but I needed her voice telling me I was beautiful..I needed that.
Kir recently posted..TRDC:Smile While I Wait
Thank you Kir! I did not hear that growing up. I did not hear any of it…pretty, smart….nada. I wanted to make sure our kids heard it every day. I guess that is the root of why I hope I said all the right things enough. xoxo
[...] on November 19, 2011 by Denise in Getting personal, Parenting is hard, Those little people I read this post at Just.Be.Enough that was written by Kelly from Mom Got Blog and I kept thinking about it and had to write my [...]
I am so thrilled that you carried this thought and discussion to your own post!! Thank you, so very much!