I clenched my fists, bit my lip, and screamed as quietly as I could since one of my twins was napping. Tears were pouring down my face as this helpless feeling took over my body. I slid down to the kitchen floor while the other twin cried with me. I was trapped and gave in to the self-pity that I normally don’t entertain.
I have relished my independence, especially ever since I earned that driver’s license when I was 15. That piece of plastic changed my teenage world. I had a seizure while driving my car when I was 21 and was soon after diagnosed with epilepsy. I had to give up my car keys. I moved out East for better public transportation and had seizures everywhere—at bus stops, on streets, on sidewalks, in the passenger seats of cars, and at home.
I don’t have them often—about twice a year—but the risk takes away any chance of me driving. Now that I am a mom of twin toddlers, I have a whole new series of complications. Before, I had to allow extra time to get places since I took buses and trains, and I had to bum rides off people, but I’m easy-going and don’t get stressed out much, so it wasn’t a huge problem. Now with kids, everything takes more planning. When I need a ride, I need room for myself, two kids, two car seats, and an overflowing diaper bag. Because we live in a walk-able area I can get to almost any place I need to be when the weather is tolerable, which is a blessing.
But that feeling of dependence is still always there, always lurking, always making me feel a little less than others.
The helpless feeling and quiet screaming on the kitchen floor the other day was from a basic and natural need that all parents have—to get help for their children. My boys had been sick for a week. One afternoon one of them woke up from his nap screaming and dripping with sweat and I knew I had to get him to a doctor and fast. I called and they said they could squeeze him in—in 20 minutes. It takes about 8 minutes to drive to the doctor’s office. All I wanted at that minute was to get my baby to see the doctor. My husband couldn’t get home from work and then to the doctor’s in time. I called nearby friends to see if they could take us, but I either didn’t reach them or they were busy. I called my mother-in-law last, even though she is closest in location to me. Typically she would be the first I would call, but she was having a particularly busy day at work, so I was trying to figure out another way. She was at our house in a few minutes; we loaded up the spare car seats, and were only a couple minutes late to the appointment. I was glad I followed my instincts and eventually got him there, because he tested positive for strep throat and we got him on antibiotics.
I despise the helpless feeling I had that day on the kitchen floor and that I’m a mom who can’t drive her kids to baseball practice or even to school. But if it weren’t for my dependence, I wouldn’t know how thoughtful people around me are. I am blessed to have wonderful people in my life who drop everything to help me. It takes humility, but I have nothing to cry on the floor about.
I’m so glad you’ve found people to support you when you need it. It’s absolutely true that a good support system is crucial in any situation, and it sounds like you defintely have that. It must have been difficult to give up the independence of driving; we depend on it more here than they do in other countries, I think.
angela recently posted..Treadmill Interval Training Tips
Yes, giving up driving definitely is a bigger deal here as opposed to many other places in the world. Many Asian countries and bigger cities everywhere….I’m thankful to live where I live! We can get almost anywhere we need to on a bus or the metro system. And soon a metro station will be close to our house! Thanks for reading!
It’s amazing how our vulnerabilities and the things that can bring us the most frustration are also the things that can show us the best things around us as well. I am glad that you have found support around you to help in those situations like when your son was sick.
And those moments of needing to cry in the kitchen? We’re allowed those, too. Glad to have had an opportunity to find your writing here.
chimomwriter recently posted..The Easter Bunny Versus Hanukkah Harry
Yes, I suppose if we didn’t ever need help no one would know how to be helpful… Thank you for reading!
Dawn recently posted..Just Be Enough
Its amazing how we can find some of our strongest bonds in out challenges.
Corey Feldman recently posted..Thank you Camille – Inspiration For Egret the Elephant
Yep. The things that haven’t quite broken me have made me stronger for sure. After my first seizure (while driving) I broke seven bones and didn’t walk for six months. That sucked but made me appreciate a lot more than some people do. Thanks for reading my post!
Dawn recently posted..Just Be Enough
We had to give up our vehicle a few years ago for economic reasons so I can really relate. The world changes when you’re on foot, a slower pace of life for sure! I miss having the freedom to go places on a whim, I miss being able to just ‘pop’ somewhere and I really miss it when I’m too ill to walk. The dependency on other people also sucks, I hate that! Thank you.
idiosyncraticeye recently posted..FO: The Saga of a Poncho
Yes, the slow paced life is something that, when I remind myself of it, is a nice side effect of my lack of driving. Can’t do much in a hurry. I have to plan ahead more. I read your blog a little. I like it. My best friend from college just moved to Manchester from London. I have no idea of the geographic layout of England, but maybe Somerset is near Manchester? Keep being idiosyncratic!
Dawn recently posted..Overcoming Scary Racing Presidents at a Nats’ Game
We’re closer to London but that’s a whole other world away, the scale is very different here! Thank you.
idiosyncraticeye recently posted..FO: The Saga of a Poncho