My legs felt tired. Heavy. My hamstrings moaned a little with every step. Not loudly, but just enough to register in my brain and to make the little voice of insecurity just a little louder. The little voice that tells me I am not a runner. The little voice that tells me I am slow. The little voice that tells me I am crazy to think I can finish a half marathon in three weeks.
This little voice is one that has taken residence in my brain before. It lived there, in the lap of luxury, during my first summer of marathon training in 2001. It thrived on my long training runs around the lake, where the other runners from my group would lap me, over and over again. It thrived even more when my attempts to run took an extended hiatus. Attempting to come back from a long rest, a long period that always resulted in additional pounds of flesh on my body. My little voice became not so little and at times was the only thing I could hear.
And yet, I kept going. I kept calling myself a runner. And every time I reached my goal I visualized myself saying “so there” as I crunched the little voice under my foot.
Every time I found something that would help me push through.
Often my something was the voice of my oncologist explaining the lung damage I had suffered from my chemotherapy. “You will never run a marathon,” he said.
Other times I visualized the students in my class who persisted no matter what they faced, no matter how hard it was.
Other times I thought of how one day in the future my grandchildren would look at my race medals and pictures and maybe, just maybe, take on their own challenges.
Most of the time, these “somethings” helped. Sometimes, though, they didn’t. Sometimes I would cry my way through a training run or even race. Sometimes I would beat myself up for not having given it my all.
And yet, I kept going.
Because running to me is more than just running. As much as my little voice can bring me down, the act of running makes my inner warrior scream. Running reminds me that I am in control of my life. It reminds me that I can overcome or accomplish anything. It reminds me of strength, of courage, and of sheer determination. It reminds me that I can get back up from a fall. It reminds me of the people in my life who have believed in me. It reminds me of who I really am.
Running keeps me healthy. Not just physically, but emotionally. I stopped running and biking and swimming after my triathlon because of my elbow surgery. Two weeks without those reminders left a space. A space for that little voice. A space for my inner demons to peek through. A space where I could very easily lose me.
And so in three weeks I will run my half marathon. I will ignore the little voice that mocks me. The one that tells me I did not train enough. I will ignore the voice and I will focus on what I know. I will know going in that my time will be slow. I will know going in that I will have to walk parts of the course. But I know I will cross the finish line running. I know I will cross the finish line smiling.
And that will be enough.
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This is our very last week to make an impact for Be Enough Me 4 Cancer. Last week we had 45 people link up an enough-themed post in our Be Enough Me for Cancer campaign and I’d love it if you’d help us boost that number again. For every 20 linked up posts, Bellflower Books will provide a memory book to a woman fighting breast cancer through Crickett’s Answer for Cancer, and help bring a smile to courageous women giving it their all, every single day. The link-up remains open for three days. No blog? No worries. You can also comment on the post or on the Just.Be.Enough. Facebook page with your own story and be counted.
xo
Elena
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About Elena
I love that you crushed that little voice, and your running warrior one speaks louder! I’m in awe of you and all those who run. I ran for a while but haven’t for a long time. I hope to one day, again. I’m confident you’ll do well in 3 weeks
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..I Am Not A Writer
Thanks Alison. I appreciate it. So much.
You will crush that lying voice into smithereens!
Laura recently posted..#Mamavation Monday
Thanks Laura. I hope so. And if not, I will at least stomp on it a few times for good measure
Oh my friend, you are a warrior. No doubt. I know you are going to cross that finish line with that little nagging voice wishing it could be you!
One of the things that I love about running is that you can mentally crush that voice. My body isn’t made for running, but my mind is, and that gets me through. My post is about running this week, too, but it doesn’t go live until the morning
angela recently posted..Shedding the Familiar
Aww thanks Angela! And you are right— it is all a mental game. so very very very true.
I’ve told you this before, but that voice has nothing on you. I think you’re awesome. Your determination inspires me. I don’t care about your time or whether you walk or run or any of that. It does not at all affect my impression of the person you are. The fact that you get out there DOES. xo
Robin recently posted..Walking the TEDx Talk
xoxoxo You my friend are an inspiration to me. In so many ways.
From someone who has never been a runner and just recently taken up the Couch-2-5K Program, I know all too well about that little voice that likes to discourage us in the middle of a run. I was always told I wasn’t a runner and never could BE a runner. I may not be fast and I may not be ready to run a marathon yet, but I try. And that, is enough. ( I accidentally posted this on the last post, so feel free to delete it.)
Courtney @ The Mommy Matters recently posted..Everything to Everyone
Yeah for taking up the couch to 5k! I know a lot of people who have done so successfully! So much good luck….and you know what…..a marathon is seriously a crazy wacky, almost enough to lock someone up undertaking. It is like another job.
You go, Elena! I’m cheering from you from the other side of the world. I may never run a marathon but you are an inspiration to all of us. I’m failing my morning walk again but I too will ignore these little voice and keep on walking. Thank you for your never ending inspiration.
Tatter Scoops recently posted..Keep on Writing
Knowing that you support me is so very important. And yes, you keep walking. It makes so many things better just to take that you time. xo
You are a runner! One who motivates me to get out there and run. It isn’t about finishing first, it is about having the courage to start. Best of luck!
Shannon @Aries_Mommy recently posted..My First 5K!
This post really motivates me! I hate to run and always come up with excuses. Well, I’ve never undergone chemo and if that doesn’t hold you back then none of my puny excuses should!
Good luck with your marathon; I know you can do it!
You’re amazing. I wish I could find it within myself to push myself that way, to think of myself as an athlete and keep trying. I know that attitude is key. YOU, my dear, have struck the right attitude. I’m so proud of your accomplishments and am cheering you on!!!
Mrs. Jen B recently posted..Secret Recipe Club: Judee’s Sun-Dried Tomato Marinara
You can do it! I ran a half marathon with pneumonia and a bruised bone in my ankle. My inner warrior kept telling me, “You are strong! You are capable!”
Listen to your inner warrior! Let it crush the inner voice! You are strong. You are capable!!!
Sarah recently posted..More Than Enough
From one runner to another, I know that voice, and do my best not to give it a megaphone. Inspiring post!
Oh my friend, smash that little voice, don’t let it speak to you. YOU are enough, run like the wind!
Kir recently posted..9/11: What I Remember: Endings & Beginnings
Ahhh the little voice. On a good day it gives us company, plays a sings the same song over and over again in our head and tells us all the things we can do, the distance our body can take us. On a bad day it lingers and tells us we do not have enough energy or that we should stop… but it is the strength within us that allows us to do the running we do and it is the same strength that keeps us coming back for more! Ahhh the little voice, defeating it is the best part of running and pushing ourselves! -Laverne
KindredAdventures recently posted..Desperately Seeking
It’s time we shut those ‘little voices’ up, isn’t it? And that’s how Just.Enough.Me has made its impact on me, because when we really look deeply into ourselves, often times we find that we are better than what those little voices tell us. And when we realize that we are in fact ‘enough,’ those little voices cease to have power over us.
You are a winner, Elena. Simply because you’ve chosen to be in charge of your perception of things–how you view what you would be accomplishing. You know that doing things perfectly doesn’t necessarily mean you’re ‘enough.’ It is not what you can or cannot do that makes ‘you.’
I’m sorry I couldn’t link up earlier… Had too much things going on and things were pretty hectic. But I’ve made it! I’m glad that I can still be a part of this campaign. It’s become dear to my heart.
Sweaty recently posted..Be Enough Me: No Regrets
Wonderful. The Be Enough Me revolution you have helped start should be loud enough to drown out that little voice!
Amanda recently posted..10 Reasons to Have Kids (Apart from the Obvious)