My youngest child started school a few weeks ago. He’s been in preschool for years but this time it’s the real deal and I am alone for eight hours a day. I wrote about how it felt like a job loss and how much I wasn’t ready for it to feel like that.
The thing is, I have been preparing for this day for years. I even went back to school to make sure I had a life lined up when my primary job as mom shifted. I didn’t want to be one of those women who took years away from their career to care for kids and then was left lost when the kids didn’t need caring for anymore.
Before summer started I laid out the plan to ramp up my business in the fall when everyone was back in their place. I had a plan to be “full-time” by January that would start in September, so that I could enjoy the summer with my kids – our last one before they all took off.
I had a plan, dammit.
Then life stepped in.
The transition to school hasn’t been easy for my youngest. I spend a bit more time worrying about him when he’s gone than I expected and, some days, my day’s cut short so I can pick him up early. His transition will come. It’s just taking more time than we thought.
I can’t blame him for my hazy days though. Quite frankly, this new life hasn’t been easy for me either. It seems, no matter how much I prepared my brain, my heart is still wandering around wondering what it’s meant to do. Some days, I feel an overwhelming desire to just be still and enjoy the quiet that has been absent for ten years. Then, in almost the very next moment, I am overcome by this burning sense of guilt that I NEED to be DOING something. How dare I rest? How dare I breathe? How dare I go for a walk with a friend or even clean the kitchen or do a load of laundry? There is business to be done. I’ve been waiting to work. I should work. But some days the work doesn’t feel right and then I spiral into questioning every single decision I’ve ever made. Such a mom thing to do, isn’t it? We let one little thing cause us to question everything.
What kind of life is that? One of guilt and shame? I’ve been working with clients to overcome that very life for the last six months. Funny how the teacher never quite catches the lessons she’s taught. I am thankful for my clients every day because it’s when I’m with them, or working on things directly related to them, that I am certain I’m following the right path. They remind me, even if I have the business end of this job, that I am exactly where I’m supposed to be.
I’ve decided that that has to become my mantra. I will wake and remind myself that whatever I do that day, be it housekeeping or office work or being still, it is exactly what I’m meant to do and even if it’s not entirely comfortable, I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
No amount of planning allows me to see the future and if I’ve learned anything it’s the truth in the theory that life happens while you’re busy making other plans. So, I have to trust the process. I have to be present in my life instead of worrying about what’s next. Most importantly, I have to be patient and love my now, which of course means I have to remember that I am enough. I am enough as an entrepreneur and a mom.
I have to trust, no matter how difficult it may be, that I am enough and that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
xo
Cristie
I’m feeling very similar to you right now. It’s like I’m captured in a gray area – and don’t know quite how to get myself where I want to be. I like how you wrote about it though – just trust that each day is right.
Missy | Literal Mom recently posted..7 Tips for a Healthier, Fitter (More Fit?) Family
Captured feels like just the right word. I said yesterday to someone, it’s as if I know how to move forward but when the time comes I just can’t get myself to move. Good luck. Knowing we’re in it together makes it a bit easier!
Cristie recently posted..All The Pregnant Ladies…
Trust. It’s such a simple concept, but often so very hard to do. Especially with the things we’re often compelled to actually Trust. You know, little things like Life, Happiness, our Well Being, that of our family as well.
Thanks for sharing, it *is* nice to know we’re not alone in feeling like this. I know as a single dad I have many many moments where I just have to Trust that I’m doing the best I can and that things are going to work out.
@bluenotebacker recently posted..Remembering
Parenting is the ultimate test of trusting yourself isn’t it? I can’t even imagine as a single parent not having the times where bouncing ideas off someone seems imperative. Well, know that we’re out there on the interwebs so you’re not alone in it all! You just get to bounce ideas off all of us.:)
Cristie recently posted..All The Pregnant Ladies…
I love this post and I understand so much of what you’re feeling. Sometimes I struggle with the same thing when I realize I’m not using my PhD in the traditional sense. I feel guilt and anxiety. But, like you, I try to remember that I’m where I should be at this moment in time.
Oh my gosh don’t even get me started on not using my degree! I so get that but I try to remind myself it still serves a purpose and if what I’m doing is furthering my life now and helping others, it’s all good. I know you’re doing both!
Cristie recently posted..Around the Interwebs: Links to The Best
I relate to every word and needed this pep talk today. I will choose trust today. Thank you!
Mary @ A Teachable Mom recently posted..Choosing Hope: Bringing in Finn
Yay! I love that you’re choosing trust!
Cristie recently posted..Is Breast Best? Why do you care?
I don’t even have an empty house, and I still question how I use my time. Sigh. Why are we so hard on ourselves. Trust your plan, and make sure you have time planned to enjoy and breathe a little, too.
angela recently posted..Together and Apart
Thanks Angela. I’m working on the planning time to breathe part.:)
Cristie recently posted..Around the Interwebs: Links to The Best