For over a week now I’ve had the flu, and recently added to it, a sore throat. Coincidentally, my period happened at the same time, and I always have killer headaches that start a few days before my period starts. My energy level was at an all-time low, my head felt like it was about to explode any minute, I could barely sleep at night, and, sure enough, it wasn’t long before I started to throw myself a pity party. And boy am I the expert at throwing myself one! Once I started, things went downhill fast.
I knew the best thing for me was to get out of the house or at least write a post or two, just so that I could unload some of my emotions. Instead, I curled up in bed underneath the blanket and did nothing. I blamed the headaches, the flu, the medicines, the weather, and everything in between because it’s much easier to succumb to self-pity than to put up a fight and resist.
My mind instantly wandered into those dark places I would normally avoid, stirring up old wounds and bringing into the surface feelings of inadequacy and insecurity. It’s exactly the opposite of seeing through rose-colored glasses. Everything became pointless and seemingly bleak. The lower I sank, the higher my anxiety level went. Increasingly restless, the smallest things could trigger a mental breakdown. For example, I would snap at my daughter for her incessant chattering, be overwhelmed with guilt soon after, and ended up labeling myself the worst mother in the world.
It was as if I was on a mission to set myself up for failures and sabotage my relationships. I felt lonely and blamed my close friends for not having been attentive enough to me. I became demanding and easily insulted. At the same time, it was a cry for help and yet I was unable to voice it properly. I was throwing tantrums left and right, sought attention in all the wrong places, then used my disappointment and embarrassment as an excuse to distance myself further and engage in more self-wallowing. It didn’t take long for me to feel as if I was the most miserable person on the face of the Earth.
Today, despite the mental protests that I was ill and that the screen light was making me more nauseous, I forced myself to open my Google Reader and started reading some new posts. It was difficult at first, because my mind kept wandering, but I refused to get out of my seat and just kept opening up post after post and reading them.
Gradually, I felt less alone. The world started to feel less cramped and my vision less narrow. The need to be able to help others, to let them know that I’m there for them in their own times of need, has shifted the focus from “Oh poor lil ol’ me!” into “This is nothing. I can do this!” My problems no longer seemed as large and looming as they were before, and the more I got into the groove of things the more I felt useful and hopeful.
As someone who has struggled with depression for years, I know it has the tendency to creep up on you at any time. When you’re not physically fit, you’re even more vulnerable. Months of stability and victory could be obliterated in mere hours once you’re in a downward spiral. It’s important to be aware at all times and to catch it in its early stages. This is easier said than done, but recognizing the signs early is crucial to prevent serious relapse. With depression, you are your own worst enemy. Despite your best intentions, your mind would find ways to convince you it would be much easier to not resist and fight.
Having said that, I’m here to say that you’re not alone in your struggles against depression. It’s human not to be strong all the time and if we were perfect in our defenses then we wouldn’t be having this problem in the first place, would we?
If you’ve found yourself down in a rut, don’t let your mind tell you that you’ve failed and are therefore doomed for the rest of your life. Don’t hesitate to reach out and seek help! The best would be professional help, but in my case shifting the focus on others has helped me gain a better perspective on myself, in that it tends to give me a clearer view of where things stand in the bigger picture.
I know it’s not the end of the battle. But it’s a step forward. It didn’t make the headaches, the stuffiness, nor the sore throat go away (that’s where the antibiotics came in), but this realization has made me feel better for the first time in over a week. It’s small, but a victory nonetheless. That and a mental note to take care of myself better next time.
What have you learned about yourself this week?
xo
Sweaty
About Sweaty
You are so wise. Do you realize that? It is so easy to sink in and let the world go by and not take part but when you recognize that your illness (and that is what it is) can rear its ugly head and you address it even when that is the last thing in the world that you want to do it shows what a strong woman you are. So proud of you and what a great and brave post. Gonna repost it for several who can totally identify. Thank you!
Your words have empowered me in return. Isn’t that amazing, how much reaching out to others could make such a world of difference? I’d like to use this opportunity to let you know also, dear friend, how much I value the friendship we’re building. That your presence has touched my life and made a difference.
Thank you so very much, Beth Ann.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
You are so welcome!! I shared your post on Facebook and noticed that a couple friends also shared it so it touched more than me!!! I value our friendship too—thanks for the sweet comment!!! Hugs!
Beth Ann Chiles recently posted..Gratitude Dance
Sweaty. I love this piece. And I love how you will help SO many people with your words today. You are inspiration to so many of us. You are a beautiful, wonderful, real person. HUG.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..How to Be a Zen Mama Book – #giveaway
Oh I do hope so, Missy. Thank you for your kind words. I feel the same way about you; you’ve been a quiet inspiration to me, y’know? Your wisdom and insights… they’ve moved me in very subtle yet powerful ways.
Big hugs back
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
There must be something in the air. I went through a couple of weeks just like this recently. I struggle too with these issues. I start to get depressed then anxious and feel like I’m circling the drain. Just like you I needed to re-engage. I got my butt to the gym and on the treadmill. I forced myself to write. It’s hard.
Jen recently posted..Who Needs A Camera When You’ve Got A Phone?
What a brave and honest post. Thank you for sharing your bad times to help others through theirs.
Style Maniac recently posted..Lilly Pulitzer’s Barefoot Chic
And thank YOU for reading this post. Writing down the ugly stuff, sharing them with others in my blogging community, has helped me in so many ways. Just as my words has hopefully touched them, their support and feedback have been such a healing force in my struggles. It’s the miracle of blogging, I’d say
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
I stinks to be sick for so long. However, cut yourself some slack. You regrouped and that’s important.
Gina recently posted..There’s Nothing Sweeter!
Yes, it’s stinky alright
And when the body’s weak, the mind becomes so vulnerable. Thank you for stopping by to read my post!
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
i love you, and you are wise. im glad youre feeling better, and im glad you came to read… because it made you feel better inside and less alone. thank you for reaching out to me. *HUG*
Frelle recently posted..A Hallmark Moment Between Friends
I love you too, sweetheart! I hope you know that! Your friendship has definitely made me feel less alone. We are sistas in this journey
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
I really agree with you about being physically fit – this is something I’m working on too, and, surprizingly, enjoying! Hope you’re feeling back to your old self soon.
my honest answer recently posted..An exciting new service: my honest answer CONFIDENTIAL
Thank you for stopping by to read my post. It’s true, mind and body… can’t take care of one without the other
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
Depression. While I hate that so many of us suffer from it, I’m so glad to know I’m not alone. Gah. I so know the feeling of when it’s coming too. It feels like a wave of darkness washing over me. And I feel so tired. No energy to fight it or anything. And the downward spiral. Adam recognizes when it’s happening to me. First thing he does is “Did you take your Lexapro?” Guilty, cause no, I probably haven’t. (I don’t have insurance, so I’m trying to stretch my supply as long as I can.) But then I take the medicine and it’s like my brain goes on caffeine. Not good, either. It’s a mess. But it’s nice to know I’m not alone.
Ronni recently posted..I Went to Disney World!
Oh sweet Ronni! You absolutely must know that you are NOT alone. Know that I’m here, just a click away, ready to hold your hand anytime. I’m glad you have Adam by your side to recognize the signs and be the support you need during the dark times. I see you, read your posts, and I think you’re beautiful, lively, amazing woman who radiates warmth wherever she goes. And that’s the reality of depression, is that it could happen to anyone, robs you of your sparks and convince you that you’re nothing despite the wonderful person that you are. Let’s beat this sh*t, alright?
Lets remind each other even during times when it’s difficult to see through all the haze. Love to you.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
Sweaty, thank you for writing this honest piece. I have the same struggles, and just this past week I had one of those breakdowns where all the negative self-talk had gotten to me and I could just tell it was going to spiral badly if I didn’t do the work required to get myself out of it. I’m lucky (?) I guess, that I’ve dealt with it long enough to recognize the signs. Anyway, thanks – you’re going to help a lot of people with this.
hollow tree ventures recently posted..be careful what you wish for
Thank you for sharing a bit of your own life here with me. It never fails to touch me, whenever someone read my post and tell me that they too have experienced what I had gone through. To know that I’m not alone in this, to have others validate my struggles, to be able to hope that my words would help others–it’s powerful. With depression, I’m aware that it’s a constant battle. One that could easily topple you over when you let your guards down. It doesn’t make it any easier for all of us who’s fighting the fight, but sharing our experiences and the encouragement we give to one another makes the fight worthwhile.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
I know that firsthand too, and you are totally right. Good for you, Sweaty. Keep beating it.
Robin Farr recently posted..Keeping Secrets
Thank you, Robin! Let’s beat the crap out of depression! xo
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
It’s so hard to drag yourself out of it. Trust me, I know. And how obnoxious that it strikes just when we feel our worst… can’t we just be sick in peace without having to worry about the spiral as well? Hang in there and hope you’re feeling better!
Ashley recently posted..Keep Telling Yourself It’s Fun…
Lets spread the smile and be there for each other. We need to remind ourselves that we are not alone. And hopefully through our experience, learn to recognize the signs, each time moving forward with a better understanding on how we could overcome this disease.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
*big hug* that’s all, just a big ole hug my dear <3
Okl, I lie, because I must say, isn't it a wondrous thing that when you think you are at your lowest, you're such an amazing blessing to others? love how you do that.
(and I left an award for you at my blog)
RoryBore recently posted..Bad Boys, Danny Boy, Biceps and other Sweet Things
I needed that big hug, so thank you, dear Les! Love ya, gf!
Let me say this, that you’ve been such a blessing to me as well. For some reason I know that you’re there for me, and I could always count on you. Thank you. You mean a lot to me.
ps: oh goodness, you gave me an award?? Well, I better hop on over there then! Mwah!
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
I hear you and poor u having the flu and cramps. I’m on iPhone so can’t blather on as I usually do but I also hear u on that mom guilt thing – bad myself a doozy finite and I don’t even have the flu as an excuse. Eeks…if u do sometimes get depress I am always v fond of a regular therapist to check I with ESP after being sick…but u already know all that. Hang in Sweaty xox
Addo recently posted..Sh*t Marinites Say
Dang it! And here I was expecting you to blather on because I love it when you do!
Hee hee… can’t help laughing at your comment. I think I just found a solution for my tendency to commit word vomit. Use an iPhone when commenting. It’s such a pain in the butt to type on that thing, suddenly we become very efficient in our use of words? Hahahaha.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
Glad to hear you’re feeling better xx
Thanks for stopping by, dear friend. How are you?
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
I have days where I don’t want to get out of bed. Those days drag on and I just want to disappear. I get what you’re going through.
Good for you for pulling yourself up and forcing yourself to try to connect with others.
It’s hard.
Leighann recently posted..My Shadow
It’s an uphill battle, and it’s so easy to want to just let go and be swept away by all the melancholy. But it really is a bottomless pit, and the more you succumb to it, the worse you’d feel.
It is indeed so, so hard… but there has got to be more to life than this, right? I must remind myself that it’s all in my head. It’s a disease. It’s not me.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
((hugs)) Hang in there, friend. I know this feeling; I know this slippery slope. All too well. I hope you feel better soon, and I’m glad you were able to come out of the darkness.
Katie recently posted..Where You’re Going
Dear Katie, I so appreciate your kind words! I thank God every day for giving me the opportunity to get to know all of you, dear friends, through my blog. Can’t say enough how much your friendship and support has helped pull me through my darkest times.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
Sister friend a W is a W (or v in this victory case) – small or big doesn’t matter. The first step is the hardest. Feeling alone and miserable is miserable. Remembering you aren’t either of those things, that’s where we can help – we will remind you as many times as you need reminding.
Jamie recently posted..weekend wisdom 30
You’re so sweet, Jamie! Thank you, my dear
You’re right. You guys have been keeping me sane. I don’t know what I’d do without you all!
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
I’m sorry that you were so sick and struggling over the past week. But I’m so glad you reached out and found comfort in this bloggy world. Hope you’re feeling better!
Jen {at} take2mommy recently posted..Tagged by the Chick
Thank you for stopping by Jen. This flu thing has been a bugger, alright! Can’t wait for it to go away.
I can’t say this enough: blogging saves my life
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
Thank you for writing this post today, I needed that reminder! I too find it very easy to see the world through those dark glasses and say those things to myself. Hope you’re feeling better.
idiosyncraticeye recently posted..Black Clouds Gathering
I’m glad you find this helpful. I’m still not completely out of my flu bout yet, but yes, am feeling better
Thank you for stopping by, friend.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
Love this post. I’ve been a bit down, and put this in my “read later” list. Very timely. #gratitude
Kimberly S. (Sperk) recently posted..Enter Stage Right: Mom’s Growing Pains
Anytime, Kim. The wonderful thing about the blogging community is that through sharing our experiences, we know we’re not alone nor are we the only ones going through difficult times. That knowledge is pretty powerful, especially when we find ourselves stuck in a rut.
I hope you feel better soon, and I’m glad you find this post useful.
xo
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
I don’t know of these feelings lasting much longer than a few days. I don’t suffer with anything nearly this powerful. I get the blues from time to time, but it’s so very minor. My parents, however, are highly susceptible to the underworld of depression. I’ve seen in turn their worlds upside down a million times. I hate that you have to deal with this. Such an incredibly difficult battle.
Thank you for your thoughtful comment, Jen. Really appreciate it. I’m glad to hear that, despite having witnessed your parents’ struggle with depression, you yourself do not have to fight the same battle.
Sweaty recently posted..Missing In Action
It’s always great to read your posts Sweaty. I don’t have a big problem with depression (unless you include my nightmare with ppd) but I get down sometimes for a short while and I totally feel myself being pulled into a spiral. It is hard to get yourself out.
Rachel
Rachel recently posted..The Read-Aloud Handbook – Book Review
Indeed! It could really suck you in in a downward spiral. My ongoing battle with depression has made me more conscious and aware of its symptoms, so I was able to break the cycle early. However, there were times, such as the one I described in this post, when things quickly just went out of hand and I found myself fighting against a very strong current.
Thank you for your support, Rachel, and for stopping by to read my post
Sweaty recently posted..Thoughtful Thursday Blog Hop
This came at a perfect time as my anxiety has been leaning towards depression and I find that once I start feeling like I’m failing at one thing, then everything compounds and I feel useless and like I’m letting everyone down. Thank you for letting me know it’s not just me! Blessings to you.
Gillian recently posted..Waiting…
Know that you are not alone in your experience, dear friend. I have found writing and sharing with other bloggers really helpful in lifting my spirits up. It’s too easy for our minds to trick us into believing we’re a total failure just because we could not handle one or two things. I hope that you have the support from your loved ones and able to find your way out of the darkness that is depression.
Sweaty recently posted..Thoughtful Thursday Blog Hop
Blogging is such a wonderful thing. On a bad day, I can turn to any of my blogging friends and with just a word, they’re knocking at my email virtual door. Someone asked me once how I could consider people I talk to on the internet as my friends. Easy, I said. I don’t have to consider it, they are my friends. Some of them are even closer to me than real life friends. There is a vulnerability to blogging, maybe it’s because the computer screen is there as protection, but I find often, I can be more real with my blogging friends.
Thank you for sharing your story of depression and casting a light for others who are suffering.
joann mannix recently posted..Golfing Is Now My Favorite Sport (Right In Front Of Ice Dancing)
I agree with you completely–it’s amazing how much more our bloggy friends know about us, if compared to some of our real life friends. Blogging allows people to connect based on shared experiences and honesty. Without physical attributes, race, background, or social status getting in the way. When we poured our hearts out, and despite our weaknesses and shortcomings still received support and acceptance, that’s the kind of friendship that rarely happens in real life and yet is quite prevalent in the blogging community
Thank you for stopping by to read my post, Joann. It’s an honor.
Sweaty recently posted..18 Year-Old Sweaty, a Certain Chaos, and a Lady Named Jamie
I have been here. Physically sick. Emotionally sick. Not wanting to move – but making myself get up, dress and feed the kids, get to work – Work? I actually get work done, but have no clue how. My boss must have low expectations
But I do it. I keep moving. There is no other choice when I’m all my kids have. The rare moments I get to myself, I cherish them. Sometimes I walk {physical yay!} sometimes I lay on the couch {big mental yay}. But I take those moments and try to not feel guilty about them.
Something I learned this week? No matter what life throws at me, I CAN face it. It may suck or hurt or seem impossible, but I can do it.
MommaKiss recently posted..I had a bad day
THAT is powerful, my friend!
It might sound cliche, but what you said–to keep moving–is truly a great way to get out of the rut. It’s so easy to get sucked in and then abandon yourself to feelings of being hopeless or useless. It takes a lot of effort to get back up every time life knocks you down, but it’s worth it. And yes, being a parent has really motivated me to keep on fighting the good fight.
Sweaty recently posted..18 Year-Old Sweaty, a Certain Chaos, and a Lady Named Jamie