What is Enough?
Enough is defined by dictionary.com as “adequate for the want or need; sufficient for the purpose or to satisfy desire.”
I thought about this definition for the longest time as it could be applicable to so many situations. We all define that term on a very personal basis. What is enough to one is not the same as it is to another.
So what is Enough for me?
At this very moment in my life, it is the struggle of finding peace about not being very close with my family. I am not speaking about my husband or my children, but with the relationship with my brothers, my mother and father and extended family.
Do I want to be close with them? Some days, that answer is a firm yes. I feel a hollowness where they should be in my life. Do I need closeness from them? Sometimes the answer is no, because that need is satisfied with my husband’s side of the family.
For years I have been the one to call, make time to visit, extend invitations to dinner, make weekly stops for coffee and conversation. This past year I have pulled back from that almost as an experiment to see if any of it would be reciprocated. For the most part it has not. The effort to stay connected seems to be one-sided.
So for me that family closeness I desire will never happen. I have to let it go and let it be. I believe this is the root of the importance for my husband and I to create a home that is full of life, laughter, and most of all love.
I must find peace in knowing that my own family is enough.
I totally get it. we create the families we wanted–if we are lucky. I am sorry you for your disappointments around family. lovely post.
wendy @ mama one to three recently posted..You Think You Had a Bad Day?
Yes, that is exactly it…we create the families we wanted. I am glad I have the counter balance with my in-laws!
Thanks.
kelly recently posted..Finding Peace with Just Be Enough: Wordful Wednesday
(((HUGS))) I understand. I could have written these words myself. I have to remind myself every now and then, though, that MY family is enough. In fact, they’re what’s MOST important to me. I can’t control what my parents do, but I can make sure that I raise my children so that they feel safe, loved, and at peace knowing that Momma and Daddy are here for them, no matter what. The rest….well, as you say, we just have to let it go.
Hope {Mending Hope} recently posted..I’m letting go
Thank you very much! Yes, I have no control over others actions. For so long I thought maybe I just have my expectations set too high, but as time passes I feel that is not so.
Yup. Just let it go. {{hugs}} to you too.
kelly recently posted..Finding Peace with Just Be Enough: Wordful Wednesday
I’m glad you are able to let go and I love your perspective on this. Thank you for sharing it here
Frelle recently posted..Relocation and Rebranding
Yes, life has been a bit more calmer after doing so.
I absolutely get this. Ryan is an only child, but trying to keep a relationship going with his parents can be difficult at times. We are always the ones to put forth an effort, and some days it bothers me much more than others. I love that you have found peace and perspective about this; it’s something that is constantly a source of worry for me.
It has taken many, many years and conversations with hubs to come to this place. It is just very disappointing…I think what bothers me the most is that they have missed out on so much of our kids life…makes me sad sometimes.
Almost 6 years ago one of my older sister’s let it be known how she felt about my husband. Since then we have moved away and comeback to our present place of living. While we were away, my sister preceded to tell people that she was worried for me because I was in an” abusive relationship”, which isn’t true. So everywhere we go if we run into people who know my family, we get the “once over” look. Also when we came back I found out that we were not included in family holiday get togethers. It is still that way. My sister’s in laws passed away and my husband went with me to the funerals to pay our respects to a couple who have always treated us kindly. After the funerals my sister asked me to out for coffee and then had to tell me that “I ruined her day of mourning” with my husband being present and that her MIL “hated us for ruining my family relationships” .
So this post struck a huge nerve for me. What hurts is the fact that my other in town siblings side with her and my family with the youngest children are never included with my side of the family.Or if we are, my husband will not go because my sister has never apologized to him and he doesn’t want to be in the same room with her. If my parents were still alive it would never have happened. But such is life.
THanks for a great post.
I am sorry that this has happened to you. It is a very sucky feeling when such strife is happening in family…and it feels like anything you try to do or say only makes you feel worse. This is why I just let it be. My family knows where we are and if THEY choose to be a part of our lives, we will always welcome them. If not, then so be it. I wish you much luck…and many hugs.
THanks. I pretty much gave up on the sibs a few years ago. It hurts during the holidays but I see my younger sister every week and we talk all the time. She is only 2 years younger than me and is a great aunt,even if she doesn’t take my girls for a sleepover.LOL But the rest are 5 years older and up so to be honest not much closeness was truly lost. I have to check out the book as well. Sounds like a good read.
Kelly, I too, am not that close to my parents and brothers (my sister and I are a different story), so I get what you’re saying. I’m so glad you have your own wonderful family and in-laws to make up for that hollowness.
Alison@Mama Wants This recently posted..The Loves of His Life
Thanks Alison, me too. My ln-laws are awesome…and we are extremely close.
There is a great book called Families by Choice … its not unusual … just love the one’s you are with
Yup. This is why our home is such a safe haven! I will check out that book. Thanks!
I feel the exact same way. Thank you for sharing. It’s nice to know other people struggle with similar family issues!
Tanna recently posted..31 Days of Preparing for Baby
I hate to say me too…but I have felt like it was just me…all this time and it is comforting to know that others deal with this craziness too! Thank you!
I know exactly how you’re feeling. I have a very similar relationship with my dad’s side of the family. My parents are divorced and my sisters and I and our respective families are all extremely close with my mom’s family. However, my dad’s family tends to over-dramatize most situations, which has just been so draining. Granted there have been countless situations in that part of our family to warrant said drama, but after a while reality starts to get clouded and you get to a point where enough is just enough. Pile years upon years of that up, and I’m exhausted by them most of the time. A few winters ago I finally couldn’t take any more of it and spoke my mind, and unfortunately I have barely spoken to some of them since, even through the birth of our daughter. I thought for sure they’d want to know or at least meet their great-niece, but apparently I was wrong. Others I have reconnected with quite well and they love getting to know our daughter and watch her grow, which I think is great. I am a firm believer of leaving the past in the past and moving on with life, but the ones with whom I’m still disconnected do not. It does sadden me to have lost this bond, but I’ve chosen to stop worrying about it. The rest of my life is filled with such love and happiness that I can’t waste time dwelling on their drama – it was making me physically ill.
Sorry for that big, run-on paragraph. Just kind of a stream of consciousness there…
Jocelyn recently posted..Wordless Wednesday
Jocelyn,
Are we related?? Cousins? Sisters perhaps? You are eerily describing very familiar stories! I bet we could share some doozies. You are right- chosing to stop the worry and live in the here and now is where I am at right now. These feelings come back when the kids bring it up…and that is when it is hard. xoxo
Well hello there, long-lost cuz!
I guess I’m lucky in the sense that our daughter is only 1 so has no idea of any of it, but it’s still crappy just the same. Ah well – it’s there drama from now on, not mine, which seems to be working pretty well.
Jocelyn recently posted..‘Tis the season!
Ugh – *their* drama, not there.
Jocelyn recently posted..‘Tis the season!
I struggle with this exact situation… after a very troubled childhood. As an adult I have always swept the past under the rug in order to have some type of relationship with my family. To me, it was better to have them in my life dysfunctionally than not at all. I was always the one to put forth the effort. After a family vacation in May of this year we do not speak. It does break my heart (mostly for my 3 year old daughter), but I have created a life and family that I love and that needs to be enough. Thank you for sharing this… it is very comforting.
I agree- for a long time I have felt I have tolerated…but when my kids ask why grandparents don’t like them, then it is time to re-evaluate whether it is a good relationship to have around. Of course I love them. they are my family, but the kids happiness most definitely comes first no matter what.
Sorry the vacation turned out so badly, but it sounds like you have created the same loving home that is what you need for your family.
xoxo
Relationships must be two-sided…without that an important component is missing and will leave one person feeling empty. Great perspective!
Minivan Mama recently posted..Rock The Head Light
Yes!! Communication is definitely a two-way street!!
That’s a tough one. I’m really close to my family, but not so much on my husband’s side. We don’t really talk to his dad or sister at all. It’s disappointing in that I wish my son could have a better relationship with them, but it is what it is.
Robin recently posted..Beating Cancer With Love
I have just the opposite. It is disappointing…especially with the kids. But I can’t control how they feel or act…and I agree…it is what it is. I’m glad to see you are close with your family.
How about – the relationship you have with your family – your parents, etc – is enough the way it is. I’m glad that you’ve accepted that your own family can be enough. Now, maybe you can start working on accepting that though you may not have the relationship you want with your family…you can live with the one you have.
Then, you’d really have it all.
Nancy recently posted..Wordless Wednesday: My New “Baby”
Since that relationship is null, I guess I have already come to terms with it. My family is enough and my husband’s side of the family is enough. I’m happy with that. Like I said, I have found peace in it.
I am so sorry, because Family, even when they drive you crazy is a fundamental part of who we are , where we come from. It’s hard to be without it, even when it’s not the best place for you to be. I get that, a lot.
My dad’s family, well I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with my two uncles on that side. I love my cousins but those uncles, well sometimes I call them the “pip vipers” and I don’t mean it jokingly. I hate that I feel that way about them, but they disrespect my mom and always have…and then when my dad died (their brother) it was like they disassociated with us. I didn’t mind, but I have always felt like “why couldn’t you be there for us, we were his children, his family?” .
I agree with the other posters, that the family you have, the GOOD LOVE you have around you, that envelopes you and encourages you to grow and smile is the most important part of life. If it causes you stress, guilt, or frustration chances are it’s not worth it. You are ENOUGH and if they cannot see that , it’s their loss.
I am just sorry you feel like this, I want to hug you and let you know just how ENOUGH you are.
Kir recently posted..The Lovey in their Lives
Thank you Kir for being so incredibly sweet! I am ok…the feelings just make me sad every now and then when I realize how much they are missing out on with the kids. And you are right…it is their loss. Oh, the stories I could tell you….you just wouldn’t believe. I appreciate all the good that I have in my life, believe me.
I’m sorry that your cousins are so mean. When things like that happen and leave questions unanswered, it is hurtful because you just want to know why. Like you said…Their loss…because they are missing out on an awesome woman and her family.
xoxo
I feel you just jumped inside my brain and wrote what my husband and I struggle with constantly. We’re a military family, living 5600 miles away from our families. They call rarely, visit never, and generally act as though we exist only when it’s convenient for them. It’s a struggle because, like you said, at one minute there is the desire for them to be a consistent part of our lives, and the next we wonder is it worth having a one-sided relationship. Hugs to you. I know how hard this is.
Courtney @ The Mommy Matters recently posted..I’ll be a Better Mommy Tomorrow
Thank you so much! And hugs to you too. I know exactly how you feel…almost like it is out of sight out of mind. And living so far away…that is hard. I basically live 5 miles away. To me there is no excuse…but I do not have the answers. It just has to be. The struggle is worse when big events happen and they are not here. The explanations to the kids get old.
This is how we have grown such a great network of friends. I hope you have that support too.
Hey Kelly,
I certainly undertand what you are saying and the feelings that have caused you to step back a little, or a lot, to not be the one who organises everything. I have been there too. However I have come to recognise there is an inherent risk…for as we step back we unfortunately can or might teach our children that this is an ok path to go down. And when we are older and they have their own families where will this leave us?
I also discovered I was the social butterfly in my family, and that for all their achievements in other areas, I was the family member with the ability to oganise and plan events, and they needed me. They didnt say so, not for a long long time. But eventually they did. A whole family requires diffent people, different strengths, different abilities but what else is a family?
Hugs
Jane of Australia recently posted..Jane shares her Key Words
Kelly- I am so very happy for you and the wonderful response you got. I have to say when I saw no signature to the post, you were not the author that came to mind. Families are so darn complicated. They seem to be the most complicated, don’t they. Our (my hubs and mine) relationships have their ups and downs. I dint know what it is or even why it is the people we should be the easiest to are the hardest to communicate with and often the most challenging to get along with?? I can so relate to the time thing. At some point when you are ALWAYS the one planning and making it happen takes it toll. There is only so much we can do before we want to feel it back and have it reciprocated. I am so very happy that you can embrace you own family and your hubs, realize how blesses you are there and really embrace what you have. That kind of family is the best
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