I had a bad week last week. After 10 days of vacation I went back to work, which for most people isn’t something to rejoice about. I was dreading it. I felt like I had found my groove again after some time off and was no longer trapped in a cycle I can’t seem to free myself from: wake, longish commute to work, 8+ hours of work, longish commute home, child who gets all wound up upon my return home, dinner, put child to bed/walk dog (depending on the night), crash, repeat.

Right now, I don’t really feel like I’m actually living my life. I’m mostly surviving it.

Here’s the thing: I’m not on the right path. And I know it.

When we moved here I didn’t intend to take a “normal” full-time job. I hoped to write more and was prepared to figure out how to make that work. And then I got this job offer from a company I really wanted to work for, and I said yes. And here I am six months later wondering what it is I’m actually meant to do with my life.

What is Your Why | Just.Be.Enough.

Image credit: marfis75 on Flickr

That’s ironic (hypocritical? Some days it feels hypocritical) because the tagline on my blog says, “Live the life you’re meant to.” For a while I felt like I was working towards that, but now not only do I no longer feel that way but I think I’ve gone backwards. I feel stuck.

I’m not generally afraid of change. (Much more so of stagnating, actually.) But at this point in my life I am sort of afraid of the stress and uncertainty that comes with change on that scale. So, yet again, I am looking for my why.

I know what lights me up. I generally know what I’m good at, and what I’m not. I know how I like to live and what environment suits me (and I fear a corporate work environment isn’t it). I know that I want to spend time with my kids while they’re young, but I also know I am definitely not stay-at-home mom material. I know that I need time and space and air and sunshine to really feel like my best self.

Last year at BlogHer I did a session that involved writing down all the things I love to do – writing, sleeping in, eating chocolate, supporting people who struggle as I have, running, cuddling with my son. Everything. I know what those things are, and I don’t really feel as though I’m about to do a 180 and change my life’s focus entirely (though I suppose you never know).

I think I know the what – more or less – so now I’m working on the how. I’ve created a vision board and am going to put that up somewhere I can see it as a reminder to seek (my one word from 2011) and make my life vibrant (my one word for this year) instead of just surviving. I think if I bring those pieces together I’ll have found my why.

I’ll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, what’s your why? How are you going about finding it?



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About Robin

Robin Farr is a mom, a writer, a speaker, and a runner. She's also a postpartum depression survivor who knows what it's like to overcome something hard and find more meaning in life as a result. In addition to momming, blogging, and doing freelance work, Robin works in communications for one of Canada's most-admired companies. Her blog is Farewell Stranger and you can follow her on Twitter at @FarewellStrangr. Her three words for 2013 are Stretch, Balance, Presence.

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