I had a bad week last week. After 10 days of vacation I went back to work, which for most people isn’t something to rejoice about. I was dreading it. I felt like I had found my groove again after some time off and was no longer trapped in a cycle I can’t seem to free myself from: wake, longish commute to work, 8+ hours of work, longish commute home, child who gets all wound up upon my return home, dinner, put child to bed/walk dog (depending on the night), crash, repeat.
Right now, I don’t really feel like I’m actually living my life. I’m mostly surviving it.
Here’s the thing: I’m not on the right path. And I know it.
When we moved here I didn’t intend to take a “normal” full-time job. I hoped to write more and was prepared to figure out how to make that work. And then I got this job offer from a company I really wanted to work for, and I said yes. And here I am six months later wondering what it is I’m actually meant to do with my life.
That’s ironic (hypocritical? Some days it feels hypocritical) because the tagline on my blog says, “Live the life you’re meant to.” For a while I felt like I was working towards that, but now not only do I no longer feel that way but I think I’ve gone backwards. I feel stuck.
I’m not generally afraid of change. (Much more so of stagnating, actually.) But at this point in my life I am sort of afraid of the stress and uncertainty that comes with change on that scale. So, yet again, I am looking for my why.
I know what lights me up. I generally know what I’m good at, and what I’m not. I know how I like to live and what environment suits me (and I fear a corporate work environment isn’t it). I know that I want to spend time with my kids while they’re young, but I also know I am definitely not stay-at-home mom material. I know that I need time and space and air and sunshine to really feel like my best self.
Last year at BlogHer I did a session that involved writing down all the things I love to do – writing, sleeping in, eating chocolate, supporting people who struggle as I have, running, cuddling with my son. Everything. I know what those things are, and I don’t really feel as though I’m about to do a 180 and change my life’s focus entirely (though I suppose you never know).
I think I know the what – more or less – so now I’m working on the how. I’ve created a vision board and am going to put that up somewhere I can see it as a reminder to seek (my one word from 2011) and make my life vibrant (my one word for this year) instead of just surviving. I think if I bring those pieces together I’ll have found my why.
I’ll let you know how it goes. In the meantime, what’s your why? How are you going about finding it?
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