Smoke from blown-out candles floated on the air; the promises of my birthday echoed in my mind. I settled into my chair, my notebook in hand, plans for the upcoming year ahead of me, and I closed my eyes to harness that positive energy I spoke so excitedly about.
My eyes filled with tears.
I breathed in, focusing on the progress I’ve made in the past year, the goals I’ve set for the upcoming one, but my calming breaths came up short, and my tears fell harder. Letting myself reflect and focus on what I want to do allowed me to stop moving for a moment, and doubts flooded my mind.
The last year has helped me find my voice; words I’d buried inside and hopes I’d shelved for years and years have tumbled into the open. Taking steps to transform my hopes of writing professionally into reality felt sure and right on my feet. I’d expected to look forward to the next year with a smile, clearing the brush away from the path that’s still fairly unclear.
Instead I found myself focusing on the sacrifices my entire family must make for me to chase down my dreams, and I can’t help but wonder if I’m being fair to them, the people I love to the moon and back. Try as I might to balance my time and my racing thoughts, I know my late nights, the loss of my salary, the time I’m investing daily, is taking its toll on my primary job of mothering.
While I’m not questioning my right to my aspirations outside of my roles as wife and mother and director of our family world, I can’t stop the tears when I sit and think about the thin line between what’s right for me as a woman and what’s right for our family as a unit. And all the reflection in the world isn’t helping me to truly know which side of the line I’m currently toeing.
My notebook and its damp pages fell to the floor forgotten, and I tried to voice my fears to my husband. Words, quick and sure under my fingers, were halting and vague in my mouth. His brow furrowed, then smoothed. He listened and nodded, and I know as someone who changed careers he heard my uncertainty in both his ears and his heart.
Arms circled mine, a familiar t-shirt absorbed my tears, and I tried to truly hear his reply.
My mind isn’t sure I believe him when he says we’ll figure it out, make it work. But my heart hears the belief in his voice, and hope sprouts in the field of doubts, and I know I’ll find the strength to take another step forward on this road.
xo
Angela
I hope that you finally end up with a decision that will help you achieve what you really need to do so much, and as well be favorable to the situation in your family. All the best.
Yvonne Tessler recently posted..Kim Kardashian Impressive Physique
Thank you so much! We’re working on it
angela recently posted..Our Love Story
I’ve had those moments… and you are so lucky to have someone who supports you in your pursuits. For me, that makes all the difference in the world. Remember, when you follow your passions, you are showing your children to also follow theirs. Kids learn so much by watching our actions as adults. Be proud of what you do. And have realistic expectations – it is not realistic to be on your “A-game” as a parent, a writer, and whatever else fills your day 100% of the time. And this is OK. Because behind it all – there is still a lot of love – which is what really matters.
P.S. I hope this doesn’t sound too preachy – it is just EXACTLY what I tell my self over and over during my moments of reflection gone bad!
Kate F. (@katefineske) recently posted..Do as I Say, Not as I Do (And Other Awkward Moments)
Thanks Kate; it does help. I think I have a hard time realizing I can give 100% to everything just not always on the same day, and I need to let go of a little bit of that. I never thought about “changing careers” in the midst of these young years with the kids, but it seems like the right time. Until I really think about it and then guilt creeps in. Sigh. Guilt
angela recently posted..Our Love Story
Its a hard balance. The writer in me says follow your passion, the HR pro says follow the paycheck and write on the side. I am sure you will find the right balance for you and your family. Everything works out for a reason, its just not always clear at the time.
Corey Feldman recently posted..Ornithophobia (Bird Phobia) update
Part of the problem is that my former career (teaching) doesn’t leave much on-the-side time. Between my actual kids and my students, I didn’t have much time for anything else, which was fine when I still loved teaching
angela recently posted..Solitude, Creativity, and Family
Angela, I sooooo know how you feel!!! Next time you’re hanging out in that field of doubt, try remembering this gem from Carl Jung: ”Nothing so affects the life of a child as a parent’s unfulfilled life.” In other words, if you really want to help your kids, give *yourself* at least as much nurturing and attention as you do them. And then remind me to do the same. <3
I really like that quote, Chrissy. Thank you for sharing it. I do try to remember that seeing me go after (and hopefully) achieve some of my goals and dreams can only be good for my kids.
angela recently posted..Solitude, Creativity, and Family
This breaks my heart but I know you’re on the right path. xo
Robin recently posted..Click
I don’t want it to break your heart! I think doubt is part of self-growth sometimes; if big decisions were too easy there wouldn’t be much growth going on. (I say NOW, we’ll see what I say the next time it strikes!) xo
angela recently posted..Solitude, Creativity, and Family
Thank you for sharing this crystallized moment in time, and how you stumbled in voicing your heart with words from your mouth. I really get that. Grateful you have his arms and his familiar t shirt and his heart, as well as his understanding. You are blessed.
Frelle recently posted..Closer
I know
Even on the days that are hard and out of sync, I feel very lucky to have the family I do.
angela recently posted..And Pages Rained Down
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