Before I even got pregnant, my husband and I decided I would go back to work after maternity leave and he would stay home with the kid(s). This was a perfect solution for us, because I was pretty sure I didn’t want to stay at home and he was pretty sure he did. We were both right.
I live in Canada and am therefore blessed by being given a year of paid maternity leave. (Paid up to a certain point, anyway. At my last job I got the government portion and then my employer topped up my salary to 75%. Really, I can’t complain.) That year was enough for me. Possibly too much. It let me do a lot of things – exclusively breastfeed without having to worry about pumping or supplementing (though I would have done either had I needed to), get firmly entrenched in a moms’ group, recover from a C-section, and get trounced by postpartum depression.
It’s that last piece that was tough. If you know my story, you’ll know that I didn’t get diagnosed with PPD for a very long time, and the help I got over a three-year period didn’t do the trick. I can’t blame that year of mat leave, but I’m certain it didn’t help.
This post isn’t really about PPD, though. It’s about me as a mom choosing to return to full-time work and having my husband do the full-time parenting stuff.
I’m in awe of stay-at-home parents, because I couldn’t do it. I’m not sure I would want to, but that’s another post entirely. I know well enough from that first year and from my current evenings-and-weekends responsibilities that staying at home with your children is a damn hard job.
My husband, though, is quite well suited to it. And the thing is, he’s actually better at this whole parenting thing than I am. (But don’t tell him I said that.) He’s infinitely more patient. He’s better at getting down on the floor and playing. He’s less irrational about what Connor eats (or doesn’t eat). He’s also really good at drawing boundaries and being consistent with discipline and finding distractions when either (or both) of them needs it.
I, on the other hand, come home from work and have a two-hour window to actively do my mom thing. I don’t transition into that role well, and even coming home and changing out of work clothes and into yoga pants doesn’t seem to help. There are nights when everything goes tickety-boo and I feel what I think it’s supposed to feel like to be a mom. And there are other nights where I just can’t wait for bedtime – both his and mine.
The fact that my husband is better at all this than I used to really bother me. It still does, from time to time, but overall I’m just grateful to be married to someone who is good at this and who likes it. He also (usually) understands that it’s not as easy for me and is supportive where needed.
I now know that this arrangement doesn’t make me less of a mom. It gives me someone to look to when my natural parenting stores are running low, and it gives my son so much more than he would otherwise have. When I can go about my day without having to worry about the logistics of my toddler’s day, and especially when I see them together and know both my son and I are blessed to have this dad in our lives, it’s hard to be anything but grateful.
xo
Robin
About Robin Farr
I have this same arrangement & we love it. I have 3 kids, and had ppocd, ppd & ppa respectively. (one diagnosis for each kid!) It was rough. Never would have nor could I know, make it without my husband. Love your honesty & your perspective. More of this kind of story needs to be told!
Tiffany recently posted..10 Things that give me anxiety
Thanks Tiffany! I always thought it would be a good arrangement, but I didn’t think it would be a life-saver.
Robin Farr recently posted..Blissdom Bound
From a historical perspective, your story is still groundbreaking and so important. It can’t be more than a decade or two that stay-at-home dads have become more openly embraced, allowing for men and women to feel more comfortable with this arrangement. Women may have traditionally been the main caregiver of young children but they did so under very different conditions from those that exist today, with extended families providing practical and emotional support every day. As Tiffany commented above, I also believe we need to hear more stories of motherhood, like yours, that will enable new and future mothers and fathers to discover the parenting arrangements that will best suit them and their family.
Thanks so much, Tania. I so appreciate your support.
Robin Farr recently posted..Blissdom Bound
We had the issue forced upon us when my husband lost his job while I was a SAHM. I was lucky enough to return back to the job I had left 5 years earlier as he searched for 10 months. It was like a bad Freaky Friday movie remake — we literally switched roles within two weeks. Although it was an incredibly stressful time, we gained a new respect for each other. I finally understood how much it sucked to walk into a home of chaos and complaining and he found out how hard it is to juggle the kids and house stuff.
There are very few couples who have had the chance to walk in each other’s shoes. I think we are better for it and so are our kids.
Karen (@mom-mom-mom) recently posted..Am I Chasing a Dream or Having a Hot Flash?
I totally agree. Thanks, Karen.
Robin Farr recently posted..Blissdom Bound
I salute you. It takes courage to put yourself out there and admit what some people would consider is a weakness–the fact that you are not the full-time parenting type of woman and that your husband does a better job at parenting. What is best for your family is the most important thing regardless of what anyone else says.
I have been a Stay At Home Dad for 6 years after being a Police Officer for 13. Our circumstances dictated out situation and I would actually prefer to work full-time. That being said, I have been blessed to have been able to spend so much time with my daughter and wouldn’t change it. I have been criticized behind my back by men and women and even relatives who say that I should go get a job if I don’t like my wife’s traveling for work.
The double standards for both Stay at Home Dads and Full-Time working women are alive and well but whatever works best for families is what really matters.
I have documented my experiences at http://www.MemoirsOfaStayAtHomeDad.com
Ken Bruce recently posted..Whew! We Dodged a Bullet!
I find it so sad that people will criticize others for different family arrangements. I think it’s great that you were able to do that, and it’s great that you’ve had that time with your daughter. I think only those who haven’t been there would ignorantly suggest there’s something weak about it.
Robin Farr recently posted..Blissdom Bound
This decision is such a hard one and a very personal one. I feel like no matter what side you’re on, it’s always difficult. Being home for me made sense, but I’m in awe of moms who work full time, parent, make dinner, etc. I think they are both hard–just in very different ways.
Rach (DonutsMama) recently posted..Pour Your Heart Out: Muddled
I totally agree, Rach. Sometimes I think this is harder for me that it would be if he worked because I feel like I’m on for most of the parenting stuff after work when I sometimes would appreciate the “break” of cooking dinner. But overall I’m very grateful for it.
Robin Farr recently posted..Blissdom Bound
Well said, Robin! And what an awesome Dad/husband you have. I think some men would find it hard to feel suited to your roles. I love it.
Missy | The Literal Mom recently posted..Songs that Suck – the Candy Shop
Brian is a stay at home dad right now and I’m having a very hard time with it.
He’s a wonderful dad and he’s naturally good at it.
I wouldn’t change this time he has with her but I do feel gilt and jealousy.
I can relate to this.
Leighann recently posted..Time is Passing